Quick Little Low Energy Update

Well, I've been sitting on Post No. 200 for nearly two months and it is well past time to update any readers who may be left out there.

Much of my energy has been focused on working on the book based on this blog and my travels. I am making great progress -- or would be if I could find fewer distractions. I've been to the coast three weekends since I last posted and to Seattle. My most recent trip to the coast, last weekend, was to take a kayaking tour on the North Fork of the Nehalem River. I went sea kayaking several years ago when I was in Mauai and, of course, the canoeing in the Boundary Waters of Minnesota. But this was my first time in an actual regular kayak. It was great and I hope to do it again soon. Well, maybe after winter.

We left the dock probably around 3:30 and paddled up-stream with the incoming tide. After an hour or two the tide turned and we paddled back with both the tide and current. It was dark when we arrived back at the dock, close to 7 p.m. I went with two friends and we had signed up with Kayak Tillamook County. Marc and Paul did a great job teaching and guiding us and I would definitely recommend them.

We got rained on some but by the end of the evening we paddled out into a beautiful sunset. The next day the weather was very balmy, warm and sunny with no wind, a rare treat for the Oregon Coast. Except it was exactly the same as it had been a couple weeks earlier when I was there with several friends. In September, with different friends, we had rain one of the days but the other day was very lovely. I think Fall must be the time to go to the beach in Oregon.

Another reason to be at the beach in October is so you don't have to keep cleaning out the gutter and raking leaves. I've done both two or three times already since I returned on Saturday evening. I love my big huge maple tree but I think I need to have some serious pruning done this winter. It's so big it drops leaves all over the yard and roof.

While I was in Seattle earlier in October Charlie got into a little altercation with a neighbor dog and I returned to a big vet bill. Someone the other dog tore Charlie's ear and it was about $900 to repair the damage. Thankfully the other dog's owner offered to pay half the cost. No damage at all to the other dog, a black lab who has always been friendly in the past.

Jesse is growing bigger and cuter every day and not only walks now but runs and climbs at 16 months, a very busy boy. I have no idea what Halloween holds for Karl's family. I have no plans, probably just handing out chocolate to the neighbor kids. I am thinking of driving down to Medford for Thanksgiving again with my sister. It is closer for Kristin and Ryan than driving to Portland so we'll see. If I do I would want to leave here after our Thanksgiving Mass, which is always very special.

Christmas, of course, I will be in Cabo, for two weeks this year. My sister Shirley will be with me the first week, but the second week I may be by myself but I will figure out a way to enjoy myself. It's not as if I'm not used to spending time alone, after all.

So instead of post blogs I have been adding little sippets of updates and photos to Facebook. If you're on, friend me if you want more updates and want to let me know what's happening with you.

Back in the Saddle Again

It's been about six weeks since I last posted something here. Shame on me! It was an anonymous post that arrived in my email inbox today that spurred me to get back on the horse. Not that I had fallen off or been thrown or anything like that; just lost my focus. BUT much has happened since July.

First and foremost, I sold the Mo. Early in August I finally found someone who was interested enough to make me an offer. It was a substantial loss financially for me, but it did cover the outstanding loan balance and give me just a little extra. The amount I got for it below what I paid two years ago worked out to about $1 for every mile I drove it. Quite a heavy depreciation but at least I no longer have to make payments or insurance payments on it.

I had applied for a job earlier and although I was interviewed for it a couple weeks ago, I was pretty darn sure I wasn't ready to go back to work full time, especially since I had just reduced my outgo by just under $700 a month. I will have to be much more careful with my finances but maybe I can survive for a few more months without working. And then, hopefully, I can find part-time or contract work. I have truly gotten spoiled not working for the past two-plus years. The thought of going back to the 40-hour work week, commuting, etc. was enough to scare the heck out of me!!

At the same time, this gave me an opportunity to reassess what I want to do with the rest of my life and the book and more writing are up at the top of the list. So I have rededicated myself to that effort. I painted and redecorated my office and it is a wonderful, relaxing, inspiring work area now so my hope is that will help me continue to focus on the writing. I have been working on the book again, and look!! I'm even posting to my blog again.

I have gotten some good feedback on the value of my book from other women in their 40s and 50s. I was discussing it with my teleconference class on the Martha Beck book discussed a couple posts ago. Their suggestions and feedback and enthusiasm -- and that of other friends -- have been very helpful. Just this week I found another book on pilgrimage that is helping me find the focus I need for my book. And I have decided that I will self-publish if I can't find an agent/publisher.

A couple weeks ago I saw Julie and Julie, the movie based on a blog a young woman wrote as she spent a year following all the recipes in Julia Child's Mastering the Art of French Cooking. Her blog caught the eye of the New York Times and an article on her resulted in numerous inquiries from agents and publishers to do a book. That frustrated the heck out of me!! Maybe I should have queried the NYT instead of the Oregonian for my travel articles. I'll just have to work that much harder to get my book out there, I guess. By the way, I loved Meryl Streep in this movie! She was hilarious and wonderful in the role. Definitely, when they make a movie based on my book, she is my first choice to play me!!

My raised beds have produced bumper crops of tomatoes, squash, beans, onions, basil. I've been busily putting much of that away for the winter. I'm running out of room in my small freezer (just above the fridge) and have stored some things at my son's who has my large freezer now. Not sure if any of it will be there this winter when I want it but at least it won't have gone to waste.

Life continues to be very interesting and very challenging. No relationships of the romantic sort in my life right now. I haven't really given up; I'm just not worrying about it and not making it a priority on where I spend my energy these days. I figure when it's time, it will happen, or else it won't. Either way, I am a whole person who lives my life fully, not waiting for someone else to make it better. Open to surprises but not really looking for them. If you expect a surprise, it's really not a surprise, is it??? So, life goes on and most days I enjoy it immensely.

TravelinLady

Southern Oregon Rich in Beauty, Peacefulness

Klamath Falls, Ore. -- I arrived at the Running Y Resort, about 10 miles west of Klamath Falls, Sunday afternoon, about five hours after leaving Portland. My sisters had already arrived, having left from Medford. Our room looks down on the 11th hole of the Arnold Palmer-designed golf course and a small lake. Off in the distance you can see part of Klamath Lake.

We spent Monday exploring the Running Y. Shirley and I took about an hour-long walk in the morning, then Shirley went to the spa for a massage and Colleen and I went into town and did some grocery shopping. Later in the afternoon we drove through most of the resort. Kristin and her husband, Ryan, have been here a couple times and John and Karl stayed here when Karl was visiting the technical college in Klamath Falls that summer before John was killed. But this is my first time at the Running Y. I wish I’d been able to come here when John was still alive; we probably could have, we just never did. Regrets aren’t worth much.

On Tuesday we left about 8:30 and headed to Crater Lake, about 90 minutes north of here. Shirley and I had both seen the lake before. Years ago John and the kids and I had spent several days at Diamond Lake camping. We spent a day at Crater Lake and another day driving down to Klamath Falls. I have a photo I took of John and the kids at one of the overlooks with Crater Lake in the background.

The lake is amazing. It is the most vibrant blue color -- like a huge chunk of polished lapis. Cameras really can’t capture the breathtaking color. It makes the sky look pale in comparison. The clarity of the water and the depth of the lake (almost 2,000 feet) allows the blue and violet rays to penetrate and bounce back, thus the amazing color. The lake was formed when Mt. Mazama, a 12,000-foot-tall volcano, erupted and imploded some 7,700 years ago. There are no streams that feed the lake, it is filled by snow melt (about 44 feet per year), precipitation and seepage so the water is extremely clear and pure.

Wednesday we viewed a Birds of Prey presentation that was very interesting, then Colleen got her hair cut, and I had a massage. Earlier this morning Shirley and I often take long walks and the other day saw a great horned owl sitting on the ground at the base of a tree. He mostly just watched us as we walked past; perhaps he had just gorged on some of the many ground squirrels and needed to take time to spit up some of the owl pellets to be light enough to fly; or else he may have been a young owl who just needed to rest before flying again. In addition to the many, many ground squirrels, we’ve seen deer, a weasel and several bald eagles. There are many red tailed hawks, turkey vultures and smaller hawks (kestrels), and we’ve seen Sandhill cranes and egrets.

It is a lovely, quiet place, except -- unfortunately -- our immediate neighbors have a passel of kids who are very noisy and always running and yelling. And they like to leave their doors open so it’s hard to relax on our deck when they’re home. That’s the down side of resorts sometimes.

But it’s good to be spending time with my sisters. Tonight we're going to a free concert on the green and last night we tried to experience the arts and environment of KFalls but that was a total bust, unfortunately. We leave on Sunday and Monday night will do our jet boat trip on the Rogue. Then I'll be home on Tuesday afternoon and am very much looking forward to having my own space again. In the meantime, hopefully Charlie is having a good visit with his “Uncle” Tom and not missing me much.

Finding a Positive Focus

Well, if it hasn’t been evident in my posts (few and far between though they have been), I have been struggling some lately. There have been days where it was all I could do to get out of bed after lying there thinking about the absence of purpose in my life. Sometimes it feels like my life is completely empty and void of meaning. So I’ve been searching for some way to change that.

Last Wednesday I had my first meeting with a new spiritual director, Jack Kennedy. I’ve known Jack for years; in fact, he worked with John and I probably 8 years ago when we were trying to resolve some of the issues and struggles in our marriage. I knew I needed to find a spiritual guide to help me discern the next phase of my life. I asked a good friend who also does spiritual direction and she said it is something of an ethical concern to mix friendship and spiritual direction; similar, I suppose, to having your friend be your counselor or your counselor be a friend. She recommended Jack. When I finally got in touch with him, he told me he did have room so one more step in the map to finding myself.

We talked about my belief that I need to find a dream -- or perhaps resurrect a dream. He gave me an assignment for the next month: to spend time thinking about what God’s dreams for me might be; God’s unique dreams for me and the world. I was supposed to pray and vision what God dreams in me and focus on which specific words, images, phrases surface, to try to get in on the flow of God’s dreaming in me. Specifically, Jack mentioned Frederick Buechner, author of Wishful Thinking: A Theological ABC: “There are different kinds of voices calling you to different kinds of work, and the problem is to find out which is the voice of God rather than of Society say, or the Superego, or Self-Interest. By and large a good rule for finding out is this. The kind of work God usually calls you to do is work (a) that you need most to do and (b) that the world needs most to have done. The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet. ”

So I have been doing that prayer and reflection and visioning.

Then another friend and I were talking about my lack of direction that was dragging me into an ugly place. She had a video she wanted me and some other friends to watch and then to set up a support group of women who are trying to establish new goals. On Sunday we watched “The Secret,” and talked about the concept of putting positive things into the universe. The laws of attraction state that what you put out comes back to you, so if you focus on fears, anger, frustrations, those will continue to come back to you. If you ask for or focus on good things, good will flow back to you. Kind of like "Seek and you shall find, knock and it shall be opened."

Monday morning I laid in bed and thought about all the blessings and gifts I have received, all my reasons to be thankful. I said a prayer in thanksgiving then literally bounded out of bed and had an amazingly productive day. Even Charlie could sense the change in attitude and was enthusiastic and playful. I have decided that Charlie is a great barometer for my moods: he can sense when I am down and it drags him down. So for no other reason than for Charlie, I need to focus on being positive.

So far, after two days of focusing on positive things, on believing in abundance rather than scarcity, I am amazed at the difference. Beginning next week I will be taking another workshop on helping find my purpose based on Martha Beck’s Book: Steering by Starlight: Find Your Right Life, No Matter What! And tomorrow afternoon I begin a series of dream classes to talk about what our dreams may be telling us. All VERY interesting stuff. Of course, there are financial challenges in this but if I think positively, the money should present itself or else the costs will somehow be covered. I'm already seeing that happen.

So things are looking very different from my perspective these days and I am feeling confident and positive and hopeful. Try it; you’ll like it!!

Surrounded by Amazing Beauty

Last Tuesday Charlie and I, accompanied by my brother Tom, decided to spend some time hiking in the Columbia River Gorge. We spent some time in the Gorge the week before but I had neglected to take my camera and missed some beautiful shots. So Tuesday I made sure I had the camera along.

We drove first to the Tanner Creek Trailhead which is at Milepost 40 heading east on I-84; it is the Bonneville Dam exit but you turn south off the freeway instead of north. After parking and paying the $5 day use fee, we walked along Tanner Creek -- there is an access road so it's wide and level -- and then took the trail up past East Fork Falls, which are right next to the trail, and on up to Wahclella Falls. This trail is a nice loop that is just over a mile long, I think.

After stopping often and taking lots of photos, we headed back West along the Old Highway. We stopped at Oneonta Gorge and decided to walk -- maybe a quarter mile -- back to Horesetail Falls. We decided to follow that trail which went up past Pony Tail Falls across Oneonta Gorge and on Oneonta Falls. Beautiful scenery -- on both hikes. I'm not sure of our total mileage (I HAVE to remember to wear a pedometer!!) but it seemed like several with all the hills and switchbacks.

There was plenty of poison oak on these trails as well as the trail we followed the week before up to Elowah and Upper McCord Creek falls.

At some point, whether on the hikes this date or later, Charlie managed to break the nail on his dew-claw and I took him to the vet when I noticed it on Thursday. They quoted me a possible $375 so I was little relieved when it was just less than $200. But that's still a lot of money to come up with when you aren't expecting it.

So I am finding little ways to give my life some pizazz, something to keep me getting out of bed in the mornings, but some days it is admittedly challenging. I went to dinner and a movie with a girlfriend last night (we saw The Soloist) and we had a great time. I got home around midnight but this morning I just couldn't get myself motivated; I laid there and wondered what to do with my day. I ended up mowing the lawn and taking Charlie for a walk. But I also went on-line and looked for a job. I applied for a part-time position in the development department of one of the local law schools; I think I'm well qualified but we'll see if I even hear back. I had applied for a position with Oregon City, part-time clerical for which I am horribly over-qualified, but I never even heard back from them. Sheesh!

I'm not looking for anything to get rich on or high-powered and impressive (and stressful). I just want something meaningful to do with my days. I think I would be more focused on my writing if I didn't have so much time on my hands. It's too easy to put things off when you've got all day and all week and all month to do it.

So we'll see. In the meantime, I continue to look at volunteer opportunities and ways for me to make a different in the world as well as my own life. And find beautiful places to visit and photograph so I can be inspired and thankful for all the blessing I DO have.

The Next Adventure? Quite Possibly

There’s a song we sometimes sing at the closing of Mass -- most often we sing it at the end of our monthly youth Mass: “Go make a difference, we can make a difference, go make a difference in the world . . .” I’ve been humming that quite a bit today.

The reason for that is the telephone conversation I had that was the culmination of several weeks of direct investigation but probably years of preparation, often unbeknownst to me. The conversation was with Fr. Ken Gavin, S.J., Director of Jesuit Refugee Services/USA. I made the initial contact several weeks ago by email to their general mailbox from their web page (www.jrsusa.org/). Fr. Gavin emailed me back the next day and, although he was in Rome, headquarters of JRS International, asked that we talk in person when he returned to the U.S. That was my conversation today.

In the meantime, I had emailed with the communications director for JRS/USA about possible projects I might help with. I’ll be helping them post some news stories to their blog for the time being. But beyond that, this may eventually lead me overseas at some point to work on behalf of JRS International in their communications work.

This has been a long and very windy road, beginning, I suppose in 1995 when I went to work for Catholic Charities of Oregon. CC has a program that helps settle refugees in communities throughout Oregon. As the Communications and Public Relations Manager for Catholic Charities, I helped promote the programs of the agency and first became familiar with the plight of refugees.

That was followed by 10 years working for U.S. Senator Gordon Smith where my responsibilities included immigration and refugee/asylee work. Some of the immigration work was rewarding -- reuniting families, but some was very frustrating. I found myself more and more drawn to help refugees, but truthfully there was little our office could do besides harangue the federal and international agencies to keep cases moving forward. Asylees required the assistance of immigration attorneys so again there was little we could do to help. But clearly the unbelievably harsh lives of so many people uprooted by violence, wars, as well as natural disasters, was compelling.

One of the priests of the Oregon Province who had ministered in Portland for a number of years and was well known in our parish joined JRS in 2000. This was my first knowledge that such an agency existed. And something has continued to nudge me in this direction, but I always managed to push it back out of the way.

Since I have returned from my pilgrimage journey, my travels with Charlie, I have been seeking what to do with my life. Even after buying a home and working to fix it up, my life has felt empty. Some mornings I lie in bed trying to figure out why I should bother to get up. In the end, it’s to take care of Charlie. Life is such a cruel joke sometimes: when I had people to care for, to be with, I was also working and never had enough time. Now I have time and no one to care for and be with. So I have been struggling to find a purpose, something to give my life to. Several weeks ago I was gifted -- out of the blue (if you believe in coincidences) -- with a ticket to hear Archbishop Desmond Tutu speak here in Portland. I came away with a renewed sense that there must be something I can do, even as one individual, even as a late-50s widow with limited practical skills. There is so much chaos and pain in the world, there must be a way that I could make a difference.

So I’ll be starting small, just working from home on communications projects, helping let people know about the issues faced by refugees and displaced people in the world. Maybe this will lead to going abroad at some point. I hope it does. But I don’t know how I could leave Charlie. Or what I would do with my house (never mind that motor home I can’t seem to sell!!). But somehow I know if I just take the first step or two, God will be with me and help me find the right paths to travel where I need to go. If this is meant to happen, if, let’s say, I am meant to travel to Africa or some other point on the globe, it will happen in God’s time and with God’s help and orchestration. And this is where I find myself today, on the edge of another adventure and with the sense that perhaps I can make a small difference in the world, working with others who also want to make a difference.

TravelinLady