June 19, Pacific City, Ore -- This Psalm has been recurring to me the last couple of days. It has to do with the waiting and the loneliness I am undergoing. Be still. How hard is that!! We are all so inculturated to be productive, active, DOING something, moving forward. Many of the Christian mystics/philosophers believe(d) that you can really only truly move forward by being still, by waiting. By letting God.
Another thing going around in my head is Van Morrison’s song from Avalon Sunset: When will I ever learn to live in God; when will I ever learn? He gives me everything I need and more; when will I ever learn?” I guess that’s one of the things I like so much about Van Morrison: the way he wraps spirituality into so many of his songs when you listen closely.
Someone told me yesterday when I was worried about getting back to Charlie after being gone several hours that dogs don’t “do” time. As long as they can hold their bladders and their bowels, five hours is the same as five minutes. It doesn’t matter to them. There is alot we can learn from dogs, I think. I have had so many people tell me what a beautiful dog he is, and he truly is a beauty. A classic golden -- the kind you see in the calendars. I wanted a beautiful golden retriever and it really is only chance that brought him in to my life -- our lives, for he was originally John’s dog and he picked John. But with Charlie, the beauty is much more than his confirmation, his coat, his carriage. It’s his personality. He loves everyone (except cats and squirrels -- and bunnies are still a big question mark). And maybe he actually loves those creatures, too -- he certainly loves to chase them! He just is a sweet dog and lives life with gusto and abandon. To see him running headlong down the beach is guaranteed to lift my spirits. But the other thing about Charlie is, when someone offers him a treat he doesn’t like, he spits it out. He doesn’t eat it just to make them feel good. He is authentic.
A couple of weeks ago when we were on the beach at Neskowin and he was trying to catch seagulls, I told him to just sit quietly and wait. The birds would be more likely to come to him than if he went rushing up after them. Of course, he is a dog and doesn’t understand the concept of letting life come to him. It is ingrained in dogs to go out in search for their food, especially when they see it within a few leaps. It isn’t ingrained in us but we seem to believe that we have to go out and search for life. Is that what I’m doing -- going out and actively searching? Doesn’t feel like it to me right now as I sit in the sun and listen to the birds sing and see the blue sky and the all firs around me, Charlie lying at my feet.
After telling Charlie this last week, though, I told myself the opposite: I can’t hide from life. I will never find what I am looking for by sitting by myself at the beach or at a campground or rv park. Now I’m not so sure that’s true: Maybe it’s the only way I can find what I’m looking for -- by being still, by waiting, by letting God.
Last night while looking for paper for my printer (I didn’t find it) and the blueprints or information on the house (I didn’t find those either and really didn’t expect to), I found some notes I wrote about 12 years ago at a retreat at Nestucca Sanctuary/retreat center. I was sitting in the middle of a big meadow with a view of the bay and had been sitting there -- just sitting -- for awhile. One of the other women from the retreat came walking up the road. She didn’t see me. She also was so busy she didn’t see the doe that stood nearby and watched her walk. The doe had no idea I was there. It was fascinating. As I sat there waiting, life came to me, and I felt and understood God’s presence.
Since I don’t have my digital camera to take pictures of this beautiful place, I’ve decided to take my paints up to the lodge and sit on the deck and try to paint something. Then if it looks even remotely decent I may try to scan it and add it to this blog. I miss painting and I am looking forward to doing that again.
Okay, as you can see, I did paint the view from the lodge deck. As well as I can capture it, anyway. One of the things that art -- painting and photography -- tell me is that when you try to capture and recreate the beauty God has given us, you always fall so very short. I would have had to do an overlay of pure silver to really capture the sea. And the trees -- there are so many greens. How do you find enough green colors to show the variety in nature? The ocean: today it is blue, but what shade of blue? And the sky -- it is impossible to show how beautiful it truly is. Even photos don't come close to doing justice to reality. I have never seen a photo of myself that looks like what I think I look like! It's only a vague representation of me. I'm sure that's true of everyone.
Still, it is a very enjoyable thing to do. Painting. Even if I am completely inadequate and unskilled at it; I still enjoy it. Instead of taking a few instant photos and adding them to my blog, I came up and spent a couple of hours painting. (That's one thing about watercolor painting: you have to be patient and wait till the first part dries before you go in with another color or you end up with mud. Hmmmmm, life lessons are everywhere!) Then I managed to scan the painting on my printer/scanner and viola! I'm so proud of myself!! The other thing about watercolors is that they can sit out and dry -- in fact, I used some paints I've had for probably 20 years when I first took watercolor lessons -- and you can add a bit of water and they are completely usable. So waiting isn't such a bad thing, is it? I have purposely NOT checked my e-mail so I still don't know if the house is sold. I've decided it will happen when/how it should and I just need to trust. So that's how I'm feeling today.
Travelin Lady
0 comments:
Post a Comment