June 23, Portland, Ore -- Oh my! What is going on with me? I have been so weepy lately. I used to be weepy. I used to cry -- or at least tear up -- at the drop of a hat. People told me that was a blessing, a gift. But I lost that gift. I didn't even cry at John's funeral. And today at the wedding of a lovely young lady I've sung with for the past year or so, I wept throughout the ceremony and even at the reception. Sarah's dad (name of John -- too much coincidence) passed away I think when she was 12. The pastor said something about a Jewish tradition that says when a parent has already passed away when their child gets married, God goes to the Garden of Eden to get the soul of that parent and take them to the wedding. What a wonderful tradition. Both of my kids were married without their dad. Kristin married a young man who had lost both his parents. Karl's wife was losing her dad, and he died within a couple weeks of their wedding. My chldren have experienced too much loss. I pray they find so much joy. But it also made me sad that neither of my kids were married in the church. I wish we could have had church weddings. Especially with our Pastor, Fr. Peter. He is one of the most blessed homilists I've ever heard.

Peter also talked about growing old together and being there for each other, even at the time of death. It is the last gift we can give our mate: to be there to help them transition to the Next Life. One of the most difficult things about the way I lost John was not being able to be with him when he died He was on an airplane flying from Yakima to Seattle; I was driving to Seattle from Portland trying to be there with him. There is no way I could possibly have been there in time. And that makes me sad -- that he had to die without me there to reassure and comfort him. I was with him for 35 years; why did God decide I didn't need to be with him on his last day?

There were lots of little things that reminded me of my marriage and how much I have lost. Unfortunately during these "dry" years I have gotten out of the habit of bringing tissues to weddings.

So maybe this weepiness is good, is going down deep to those tender feelings that maybe I've kept under lock and key to protect them. Or maybe gradually going off the anti-depressants I've been on for several years is allowing me to finally grieve for the loss of my life partner.

After the wedding reception I met a friend and we saw Evan Almighty. Interesting little messages in that movie. So if God came to you and asked you, face to face, to do something --- even if it seemed weird -- wouldn't you do it? Especially if all kinds of strange miracles started happening? I've always said: God, if You'll just tell me what you want, I'll do it. But how do you know (a) it's God; (b) what He's asking you to do. So I THINK God is asking me to make this pilgrimage and take plenty of time for prayer and reflection and meditation. And what do I think I will find? I don't have a clue but I hope it's some idea about the next step.

I'll keep you all posted.
TravelinLady