A Stranger in a Strange Land

June 14, Portland, Ore -- Tonight I am feeling displaced, like a refugee; rootless, unanchored. I had my last Pastoral Council meeting tonight so rented a car this morning and drove into Portland. I am sleeping on the couch in the basement. I brought along a sheet and quilt and my pillow and a change of clothes. But otherwise the house is empty.

When I arrived “home” this afternoon, all the doors were open and there were cars in the driveway. Apparently they picked the ONE day I’ve been at the house in a couple weeks to do the inspection. So I didn’t even get to have my empty house to myself. I sat on my front steps and was able to get a wifi connection but I had a list of other things I was going to try to do and didn’t get any of them done. Even being outside I could hear the inspector going on about all these little things that “weren’t right.” I have a fine house and I managed to live in it quite successfully and comfortably for almost 14 years -- I really didn’t need to overhear his issues. It was upsetting, to say the least.

It feels like this hasn’t been my home for a month now. First in mid-May the estate sale crew moved in and took over, and now the real estate people. I don’t like this sense of being uncomfortable and unwelcome in my own home -- even if it was my choice to do the sales.

Pastoral Council was difficult tonight. We were dealing with a controversial decision and were fairly divided in our thoughts. During the process we spent a couple of times in church in prayer. At one point during prayer I pictured myself living in the Mo, and it felt . . . incomplete, somehow; unfinished. Like I was just in a temporary holding pattern. That’s how I felt this winter before making my decision, just on hold, waiting to decide something. Well, I decided something BIG time, and still it feels like it’s only a temporary step, a means to some end I can’t yet see.

I feel very, very torn leaving the Council after only a year. I want to stay on in some way but I was never able to really discuss it with the Pastor. So I have been replaced. This was my last meeting. Being on the Council has been a blessing in many ways, even with difficult discussions and decisions. I have gotten to know some really wonderful people much better. And hopefully those new friendships will continue. It has also been a prayerful time for me and how much it played into my decision to follow this road I am not sure.

So it feels like I have been saying goodbye for awhile, but only kind of. I have said goodbye to most of my things. This is undoubtedly the last night I will sleep in the house I have slept in for more than 13 years, 10 of those with John. I have said goodbye to my parish community -- a couple of times, I guess. And to my friends here. It’s like I have a foot stuck in Portland and the rest of me is stepping away. It’s like part of me just doesn’t want to do this; just wants my life to go back to the way it was, with my friends and my house and my things all still intact. Maybe it would be easier to just leave and not come back for awhile. I think that’s what people expect me to do. They act surprised when they see me back in town. I’ll admit, it doesn’t really make alot of sense to me, either.

I am feeling a deep sense of loss tonight. So much of what I have known and loved the past 30 years seems going or already gone. If I were just doing this downshifting of my life as a lark, or to have fun or to follow a dream, that would be one thing. But I’m not . . . I’m not sure why I am doing it, only that I felt pulled to do it now, for whatever reason. Pulled, literally, because I feel like I’m dragging my heels and kicking and screaming.

So another night of second thoughts and whys. Maybe I’ll get past these doubts eventually and be able to move forward and embrace this decision and this new life. Tonight not even Charlie could cheer me up; he is feeling unsettled, too -- in really the only home he’s ever known -- and I have no patience with him. Tomorrow I’m sure things will look better.

TravelinLady