Rain, Rain Go Away

Prior Lake, MN, August 21 -- It has been raining here steadily since Saturday. We did get a little break last night and this morning but later in the night there was thunder and lightening. I am getting tired of thunderstorms and humidity. It really makes me appreciate Oregon in the summer. I miss the Northwest. I miss my friends and my faith community. Even though I rarely got to see my kids, I miss them. I feel so far away and lost, so out of touch. I was telling my sister this morning, I feel very anchorless and like I'm just kind of drifting without direction. It does help that I have plans for mid-September in Maine. That gives me something to tie the wanderings to, at least for awhile. Maybe the rain is depressing me a little.

I continue to bounce between enthusiasm for the things I will get to see and do in the next few months and the insecurity of having no roots. The pleasure of traveling and exploring, but the pain and loneliness of doing it alone. Consolation and desolation. I haven't yet figured out what this is telling me.

I heard today about a friend who passed away very suddenly last week, 24 hours after being diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer. I knew her from my work, though I didn't know her well. She was always so upbeat and positive, so enthusiastic and friendly, and such a great person. She was on the road to recovery after suffering a serious stroke. She was only in her early 50s. Life can be so harsh. We just never know how much time we have on this earth and I feel a strong need to understand my purpose for being here, a desire to accomplish what I can with what life I have. I am trying to understand that, to learn about myself, my world and find some way to make a difference that is meaningful to me. I am looking for my passion, I guess. What is it that calls to me above all else? Where can I focus my energies in making changes, in serving God where I feel called to serve? There are so many great and important things that need to be done, but there are also many little things to be done. Things that don't make headlines, don't turn you into a hero, that don't even earn any kind of recognition. Sometimes I think these are the more important things, but it's also harder to feel like you are making a difference with these little things. That's where our ego comes in, I guess. It can keep us from doing the little things because we are looking for bigger things, things that bring us recognition and appreciation. We all want to be stars, especially we Leos.

I am fully away that right now I am not contributing anything to life and the world; mostly I'm in a receiving mode. I need help with some of my motorhome issues since I am particularly incompetent when it comes to mechanical things. That bothers me some. But sometimes it's important to be able to receive; that allows others to give. We all need to be able to both give and receive.

I was watching tv this morning -- something I rarely do on my own but have been doing more of while visiting my sis -- and they were talking about an upcoming interview with Brad Pitt about his campaign to rebuild New Orleans using more green technology. This is something I could get interested in working on -- sustainability issues and alternative energy -- but I really don't know anything about it. Maybe I should get myself down to New Orleans and get involved in the Habitat programs there. Wonder if Habitat does Green buildings. I am not sure I will want to stay "retired" for the rest of my life. Even if I don't work at a career, I am sure I will want to be involved in something.

There's still the whole Therapy Dog thing with Charlie I could pursue. He is such a delightful dog -- so loving and eager and enthusiastic. People are just drawn to him and he loves kids. I could see him really being good as a therapy dog. But the sad truth is, Charlie is already 5; big dogs don't live that long. He probably has five good years left. This morning I was thinking about how attached I am to Charlie. Probably too attached. I sometimes feel he is all I have left. My children have their own lives and although they love me I know, I am just not that important to them anymore. And that is as it should be. They need to be involved and absorbed by their own lives. My role there is minimal now.

I've been thinking a little about Thanksgiving and Christmas. Where will I be? How will I celebrate? Will I be alone? It's a strong possibility. That will be very difficult. I have never been alone for either holiday before; even right after John died I surrounded myself with family. Tomorrow is my birthday. I guess I'll be buying myself an inverter. But beyond that, what? I'm really too old to care, but birthdays are a time when we need to be remembered and acknowledged just for being here. It's like a time to celebrate the essence of the person who was born on that day however many years ago. There were a couple times when my husband and kids totally blanked on my birthday and it was incredibly hurtful. I have chosen this exile, this nomad existence, and so I have no one to blame if I am alone at special times but myself. I know that. But these are the kinds of things I didn't really consider when I made this decision. I will need to think of something special to do for myself, to celebrate myself. I'll let you know if I think of anything.

TravelinLady