Portland, OR, Nov. 13 -- Let’s say -- just for the sake of argument because it isn’t even remotely reminiscent of my own childhood home -- that your mother always served chocolate cake for dessert at your house. And you love chocolate cake. For years you’ve been looking forward to the chocolate cake at the end of the rainbow of broccoli and potatoes and liver or fish or meatloaf. You’ve eaten so much of your mother’s chocolate cake it’s become part of you, part of your identity.
Then one day a friend takes you out to dinner and after dinner you look at the dessert cart. Your first impulse is to take the chocolate cake, because it’s what you know and love. But wait, that creme brulee looks interesting. Or what about the tiramisu or cheesecake or bread pudding or pecan pie or one of the other things displayed so prettily on the tray. You know you like chocolate so maybe the chocolate mousse? Or the carrot cake? Do you stick with what you know? What if the restaurant’s chocolate cake isn’t as good as mom’s, or maybe worse, what if it’s better? You might never again be satisfied with mom’s chocolate cake because you’ll always be thinking about that restaurant cake. What if you could have a small sampling and try three of the desserts, just a bite or two of each? Wouldn’t that be good? Are you brave enough to try something like that or is it too risky?
This little analogy actually started out being about losing a husband after 33 years of marriage and how you begin looking for a man when you’re ready. What do you look for? Something familiar, something that feels the same as what you had before, or at least something close? Or something completely different, some exciting, interesting new experience? The first man I was with felt very much like my late husband. He had the same build, very similar height, almost the same coloring, same faith, pretty much same values. It was comfortable. There were also other things about their personalities that were similar. But there were differences in the way they looked at the world and in some ways I liked this new guy’s perspective better. I think it helped me look at myself and life in general through slightly different lenses.
But this man didn’t look at ME the way my late husband had; there was definitely something missing in the way he treated me. Even though we dated for more than a year, there was never a sense that he loved me or even had any long-term interest in me. My late husband had his problems but I never doubted that he loved me very much. I’ve dated a few other men since, most of whom didn’t stick because they just weren’t the right combination of ingredients. My standard is two dates: if I spend time with a man twice and it doesn’t look like it has any possibilities, I write him off. Sometimes it doesn’t even take two dates. Occasionally they get more than two. The hardest part is getting rid of some men without being unkind to them. I hate that part. That first man got a lot more than two dates and in the end it was he who ended the relationship and broke my heart. In retrospect, I know it wasn’t going anywhere and it wouldn’t have been a good long-term relationship for me but -- give me a break here -- it was the first time I’d dated anyone in 35 years. And even before that my experience with men was very limited. I was just plain naive.
Now I have actually found a man who has all the good traits I liked so much in that first man I dated, but he treats me much differently; he seems to love me as much as my late husband did. He makes me feel loved and appreciated and competent and like he totally believes I could do anything. He trusts me to do things well, to make the right decisions for me. He doesn’t think I need to lose weight or change but I think he would still like me if I did lose weight, or cut my hair, or got a tattoo or not, or changed something else about me. I feel accepted just for being me. He is sweet and cute and funny and curious and open and supportive and just about everything good I can think of. Chocolate cake with lemon custard ice cream and strawberries and a little sprinkle of cinnamon and nutmeg or chipotle or something hot to add a little spice. His history isn’t perfect. But history is yesterday’s news. History is gone. Tomorrow may never get here. Today is what we have to live in and deal with. Only today. Besides, my history isn’t so perfect either (whose is?). I know I am a far different person than I was 10 years ago. I like to think I’m better. Seeing old high school friends a couple weeks ago reminds me how very different I am now than I was 40 years ago. I trust that we all are works in progress and sometimes we take different routes getting to the right place, if we ever do get there. It is the journey, after all, that really matters. Who we meet and how we treat them and what we learn and how we apply that to make the world better in some way.
This cake analogy also brought to mind the question of our paths to God. So what happens if you are raised in one faith, let’s say a Christian community. It’s where you feel comfortable, you know the songs, you know the symbols and all the right things to do at all the right times -- the “secret handshakes” so to speak. Suppose you are in a different place and can’t find your own faith community there. Do you try something that’s somewhat familiar, something you already know something about, like the chocolate mousse or yellow cake with chocolate icing? Let’s say you’re Lutheran: do you then go to an Episcopalian or Catholic church? Or do you go wild and find a faith community that has nothing to do with your Christian background? Does tasting something a little different give you more appreciation for your favorite or give you better understanding of what other people like for dessert?
What faith would you explore if you didn’t have one already? Or somehow lost the one you had? I have always been intrigued by Celtic spirituality and recently picked up a really good book on it. It incorporates the pre-Christian and Christian Celtic spirituality as practiced by the Irish and Scottish monks. It deeply respects all of creation, all living things and those not living. Can you look at a tree and see God’s love? Can you see geese flying overhead and feel the pull of the One Who Loves You? Can you see beauty and poetry in a rock? What about a mountain capped in snow with sun glistening on it? Is your soul healthy and able to love fully? To love yourself, your fellow creatures? Love sunsets better than television? Love the wind that blew down power poles yesterday? I am currently without power but the sun is shining on my face, warming me and my home sufficiently.
Just as there are many paths to follow on your own journey of self-realization, there are many paths to follow to our Creator, the God who made sun and moon and stars and rivers and oceans and rocks and trees and you and me and Jeff (thank you, God). I think God is big enough and generous enough to allow us all to follow whatever paths beckon to us, whatever leads us to God and the love that has its heart and source within God. It is that love that we can find, if we take the time to look for it, in nature, in beauty, in each other. Even in chocolate cake, if it is made and given in love.
TravelinLady
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