Regrets? I'm having a few . . .

But then again too few to mention? Well, I'll mention them anyway.

Last night I made dinner for a dear friend/mentor (even tho she's almost 20 years YOUNGER than me) As she was leaving, she asked, "Aren't you going to miss your house?" And I realize I am. John and I built this house. We picked out the fixtures, the carpets, the appliances, the chandeliers. There is a wall next to the refrigerator where we measured the kids as they grew. The marks with dates are still there. When they poured the concrete for our patio, the kids put their handprints in the concrete. You can barely see them, but they're still there. We landscaped the back yard, taking a fairly steep slope and making it three levels with walls. We built the cedar fence around the yard and convinced our neighbors on our east and west to pay for half. We hand dug the ponds, laid the pipe for the waterfall and down to the pump, checking levels to make sure the water would flow right. We placed the rubber liner under the falls and the ponds. We laid every rock on the waterfall, again testing for the waterflow and ""trickle" we wanted. (My sister Shirley was in Oregon on vacation and helped me with much of the labors. Some of the rocks were from my parents' home; some were part of my dad's collection, some are rocks we picked up on travels. We carried river rock by buckets to place around the pond since you can't really get equipment into the back yard because of the slopes and walls. We planted every tree and shrub and bulb and flower. What was once an open, bare, sloping lot is now a private park with more than 20 trees, not counting the flowering and ornamental shrubs. It was a labor of love. And it became our oasis, a place to have a sunny breakfast on the patio, or cook for a few friends, or just be together and talk. Yes, I will miss my yard and house.

I will miss my friends. I have made some very very good friends over the years, many from my church, but also some through work and other contacts. And I've barely gotten to know people I would like to have the time to get to know better.

I went to my church choir practice Wednesday night and my pastoral council meeting Thursday night. This is such a vibrant parish -- though not without its struggles -- and I feel badly that I won't be here to help guide some of the events we have coming up, most notably our Centennial next year. I keep changing my proposed travels to be able to come back to Portland for special events. But I know it will all work out.

I will miss much of my work, my wonderful co-workers, and my ongoing challenge to myself to help the Senator have a better showing in Multnomah County in 08 -- the only county he didn't win in 2002. I think I have helped him make good strides, but most of the credit goes directly to him for his measured and moderate decisions, his willingness to compromise, relook at things, work across the aisle and just his inherent goodness. And I beg to differ with his first official challenger but he HAS been a very good Senator for Oregon and for the US. But the politics is NOT something I will miss. Despite that I will miss Portland and it's people. They are mostly very good people, even if sometimes a bit "weird."

A friend advised me to "take time to grieve, to mourn" because in every major transition such as this, there is loss. There is sadness, and sometimes heartbreak for the losses, but growth often requires sacrifice. They don't call them growing PAINS for nothing.

So I find myself reflecting often on Thomas Merton's wonderful prayer:

My Lord God,
I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end.

Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.

But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.

And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.

I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.

And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it.

Therefore, I will trust you always, though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.

I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.



This is my prayer for myself and for all of those who read this journal and accompany me on this journey.

TravelinLady

More Baby Steps

This post may take awhile. I am using my new laptop -- oops, my new notebook, Macbook. I'm not used to this keyboard or the built-in mouse yet. BUT, I am so proud of myself for getting my new computer set up. Why a Mac? Why not? As our intern, who talked me into looking at them, said, "they're pretty." Well, they do have a great reputation, too. And my son approved so . . . there you have it. The best explanation I can give.

But there is a good reason for a new laptop. First of all, I needed one for the motorhome. And then I was having problems with my network and access to the desktop at home and couldn't get on-line. So rather than dealing with trying to fix an old computer with spiderwebbing cords connected to the receiver computer, this just seemed easier.

I spent the weekend at a retreat with some old friends and some new friends. I was thinking about skipping it because I have so much to do, including my taxes. But I am so very glad I went. The entire weekend was a gift, and affirmation that I am doing what I should be doing right now. And I got some new understanding of a deep hurt that is almost two years old and has been very painful to me. The friend I drove to the retreat with is familiar with the situation and I couldn't have asked for a better guide through this painful process. But I also heard some wonderful wisdom from some of the other women at the retreat. Maybe I can now finally let that go, even without getting the resolution I want from the person who has hurt me. I think my decision to leave for awhile will give me the freedom to get beyond this. I won't be seeing him at church or events I attend, and I won't be hearing about him. Portland is really quite a small town and we both work in somewhat similar circles and often with the same issues and people. And he won't have to see me.

I have begun the process of getting the loan paperwork for the motor home started and getting insurance in place. Interestingly, the person who does my personal insurance found out that the company that insures my home and auto now will not insure my car after I become a fulltime RVer. Good thing we learned that now instead of after I'm out on the road somewhere.

I also found out that I do not need any special licenses to drive a larger RV. That is good. And I will renew the plates when I transfer the title next month so there won't be any issues about where I live as I'll still have my permanent address in Oregon at that time.

I have gotten some amazingly positive comments from a notice I sent out from work about my changes. One of the city commissioners told me on Thursday at an event that he was not going to allow me to retire. Same thing the Senator told me. Invariably when I introduce the staffer who will take over my area, people tell him what big shoes he has to fill. If I were feeling depressed or down on myself, this would be a quick cure. But fortunately I am feeling -- at least most of the time -- that I am doing what I know will be best for me. People tell me I am really lucky, they envy me, or that I am courageous and/or strong. But I am only doing what I feel called to do right now. I can't see beyond the next bend in the road but I think there is some reason for me to follow this star. Just as I discovered there were reasons for me to go on this retreat.

So I am down to two weeks of work left. I can't quite grasp this freedom I will soon have. I hope it turns out to be the positive exeperience I am expecting and hoping for. I started going through files at home this weekend. Some of the files were from shortly after John and I got married and had very little in them. I will have tons of things to shred so that is a good little puzzle for me to figure out --where/how to get that done without paying a ton. Earthday opportunities, perhaps?

Well it is now time to start a load of laundry and going to bed. Or maybe -- what the heck -- I'll just go to bed. I had a very emotionally draining weekend and I am exhausted. I think emotional work is some of the hardest work there is. Digging up and going through old hurts. Even worse than going through old files.

Next up on my to-do list -- learn more how to use this new machine to fully utilize its capabilities with photos, etc. I've got to get photos of Charlie and me in this blog one of these days. But for now it's good having access to my e-mail and being able to update this blog.

TravelinLady

With Apologies to my friends

To all of you who responded to my e-mail telling you about my blog site -- I didn't get your permission to do this but I added your e-mailed comments to my blog so I could keep a record and have everything together. I tried to take out everything personal. I loved your encouraging words and wanted them to be part of the journal. Forgive me if I did so inappropriately. Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa. Let me know if you want me to delete your comments from the blog.

My daughter and son and their families were here for Easter and we started going through some things. What an overwhelming task I have set for myself!! (Just call me Herculisa!) I am scheduled to have the "estate sale" on May 19 and 20 and have to have everything sorted out a week before -- what to keep and what to sell. Anything I am keeping I have to figure out WHERE to keep. BUT, once it's done, it's done. And you can't collect very much stuff living in a motorhome. It's about 430 square feet.

Probably the biggest project will be books and papers. They seem to accumulate constantly. (Sometimes I think paper is a living creature that reproduces itself -- faster than fruitflies!!) I have lots of shredding ahead of me! But the first and most important task, now that Holy Week and Easter are over, is to fill out my retirement forms and get my taxes done. :-( But I think that can wait till after my nap!

TravlinLady

One Big Step Taken

Hello
I am feeling some mixed emotions today. Yesterday was a very big day. I had the day off for Good Friday and left early to drive to Monroe, about 18 miles south of Corvallis, which is a good 90 minutes or more south of Portland, to look at a motorhome I'd found on Craig's List. It was an incredibly beautiful day. Charlie went along with me to work on his "traveling" conditioning. We stopped for coffee and a cinnamon scone at Starbucks in Southeast Portland and then hit I-5. We stopped at the rest area south of Wilsonville for Charlie to pay tribute to the trees, leave some pee-mail and see who else (dog-wise) had traveled through recently.

At Corvallis I missed the turn that would put me on 99W and take me to Monroe, which I didn't realize until we got to Philomath, a few miles down the road. But this is all about exploring so a wrong turn here or there is just another adventure, not a mistake.

The motorhome I went to look at is a 2002 Monaco Cayman, in the lower level of Monaco's line. It's 36' long, a diesel pusher with two slides, has lots of add-ons, including a security system -- I like that feature -- and only has about 6,000 miles on it. It has been stored under cover and is in great shape inside and out. It looked practically brand new. I think they had taken it to Arizona a couple of years and done some camping in Washington state.

The couple who own it live on a beautiful park-like four acres with lots of trees and open, grassy areas on top of a hill, with gorgeous views of rolling hills and farms and trees. Charlie got to run around and explore, which he loved. They were very nice people, the Mr. has battled with cancer and they just weren't sure they were up for doing any more traveling. We talked about price and they were willing to accept a bit less than their asking price, but I wanted to be fair to them and they said they would throw in a number of things they wouldn't use -- guide books, etc., as well as camping membership if they can transfer it to me. So I told them if they were being that generous I would pay their full asking price, which was $10,000 less than the other rig I had looked at with higher miles and that was two feet shorter. So I wrote them a deposit check and we agreed that they would store it for me until I get my financing from the credit union, probably will pick it up in late April. I have to get the car worked on so it can be hauled and I have to learn to drive one of those big monster rigs so I can do it without being too tense. It will be a good test to drive it into Portland!!

Then I had to high-tail it back to Portland -- although I took time to stop at the winery (Willamette Valley Vineyards) I own some stock in and buy a mixed case of wine. Because I bought a case and own stock, I got a 20 percent discount. I am having Easter Brunch, and we will celebrate Kristin's 28th birthday and Karl's wedding so I bought some of their bubbly (not champagne but nice celebration wine).

Yes, the reason I had to be back to Portland was my son and his fiance, Dee, were getting married that afternoon at the Clark County Courthouse in Vancouver. I scooted home, let Charlie out to drink and relax and rest, quickly changed clothes, threw on some makeup and jumped back into the Rav4 to drive to Vancouver. The Friday before Easter, 3:30 p.m., traffic was mayhem. I tried some side routes but they were pretty clogged, too. Finally I made it, foot by foot, minute by minute, up the freeway and across the Columbia into Vancouver. With about 10 minutes to spare. But Kristin and her husband, Ryan, were in that same traffic and a few miles behind me so they were late. Fortunately, the judge was willing to give us a few extra minutes. It all worked out. (The judge, as it turned out, had gone to school with Karl and Kristin's Uncle Marty in Yakima, and I knew him, as well.)

After the wedding ceremony (which took about 10 minutes, tops) we stopped and had champagne and hors d'oeuvres but I had to hurry home as it was Good Friday. Quickly fed the dogs, changed again and hurried off to church. Whew!

Today I called my good friend in Florida, Kathleen, and told her my news and that I would like to come down and visit this winter for maybe a couple months. Then my sister Shirley called and we talked about our prospective trip to the Boundary Waters in Northern Minnesota -- probably in early August.

Thursday night I was at an event with the Senator and he told me and others that "we aren't going to let her retire." A number of other people I've come to know and consider friends through my work have shared their sadness that I'm leaving but their excitement for me. It feels so good to know I have been appreciated at this job. There have been times in the past 10 years when I have felt very unappreciated, so knowing the Senator and those I work with in agencies and organizations will miss me is very affirming.

Spending time with my kids and my friends at work and at church reminds me that the "bitter" part of this experience is that I won't see them very often. The sweet part -- which I think will be much bigger -- is that I will see other friends I haven't seen in a long time and will have lots of time to explore and probably meet lots of new friends.

Now I have to get busy and make cinnamon rolls for Easter Brunch tomorrow morning! This will be the last big meal I share with my kids and their spouses and my newly gained grandsons before I leave. Oooohhh, another of those sad moments . . . But I'll be back. I'm quite sure of that. I just don't know when. It's an open door, a long, mysterious road beckoning me to follow and I am ready for the challenge.

TravelinLady