June 26, Portland, Ore -- Today I signed the papers on the house; it should close Friday so that's one more step in divesting myself of my prevous life. Yesterday I met my brother from Yakima and my brother from Vancouver. We had lunch together and then Tom and Mike moved a couple couches to Vancouver, one for Tom and one for Karl. Then Mike and his wife Shan took the dining room table and chairs to Yakima. My brother Mike has always made me laugh. He is a real card! But I'm happy to see him married to a good woman. He and Shan have developed an admirable faith in God and it's interesting to talk to them about their spiritual experiences. I think God speaks to us whereever we are and in whatever voice we will listen to.
I had made plans to meet my new friend Steve (we had breakfast on Thursday, went to a move Saturday afternoon) and he was there when we got back from lunch. Steve and I went east up the Gorge to Hood River. We visited a couple fruit stands and bought some cherries. It was a beautiful day -- so fun to be off messing around on a Monday. I love it!! You know Monday always has the best weather of the week, don't you? We stopped at a little winery and bought a very nice bottle of pinot gris. The Hood River Valley east through The Dalles and North to Troutlake/Glenwood has a developing viticulture and it's own area designation. Because of the variety of climates in this area a number of grapes are very successfully grown.
Then we headed across the Hood River bridge and went back west to Skamania Lodge. We just sat and talked and looked at the beauty around us. We both managed to get a little sunburned. We ended the day by driving back across the Bridge of the Gods and then sat in a park in Cascade Locks, looking at the water, drinking wine, nibbling on the picnic lunch Steve had packed and laughing. Our conversation ranged from deep philosophical/spiritual issues, to practical backgrounds, future hopes and dreams and I can't remember when I've laughed so much in just a short amount of time. We had a great day. We have a lot in common. He lost his wife 6 years ago. We're both Catholics and both searching for where God wants us. Both pretty grounded in Jesuit spirituality. We certainly don't agree on everything but have had some amazing conversations for people who have only known each other a few days. It was fun to have a companion in "goofing off." Our culture has such a need to be productive, to always be doing something, that we never take the time to sit back and look at the beauty around us and give thanks for that. If we're always so busy taking care of stuff "out there," we never take the time to take care of stuff inside, and that is some of the most intimidating, scary but important work we can ever do. Because until we take the time to find our true selves, how can we possibly figure out what God wants for us?
I'm continuing to read my book by Sue Monk Kidd, but also picked up several books today by and on Thomas Merton, by Teresa of Avila, and by Thomas Keating. Now I have GOT to read these and the other books I have collected.
As I was in the bookstore I came to the sure realization of what I want to do. And I've known this in various ways and levels, but today it became more crystalized. I want to write. I want to somehow bring people closer to God, help them see the grace and gift in their lives, help them see the beauty Godhas given us -- not just in the mountains and trees and flowers, but in the children playing, the elderly couple walking hand in hand, the mother nursing her child, even the beauty of saying goodbye. There is so much beauty around us that we fail to see. And God is in all of it. This writing could be in non-fiction, essays, fiction, poems. Maybe I'll write new psalsm. I don't really know yet. I just know it's a big part of what I see for my next few years.
Now this doens't mean this is ALL I want to do. Because in order to write, you must have inspiration. And inspiration comes from living, taking time to see God speaking to us through the everyday. So the travels are surely part of it. But not all of it. I could still return to work but whether paid or volunteer it will have to have meaning and grace or it won't be worth doing. I am blessed to not have to worry about earning money. I am not wealthy by any stretch, but money only matters to me in providing necessities: food, shelter, and an occasional gin and tonic or glass of wine; and the opportunities to experience God through other people, places, experiences. My kids are grown and on their own. I have health insurance (thank God!) and as long as I can keep propane and diesel in the tanks, I have a lot of flexibility. (I'm SO excited to see gas and diesel prices dropping a bit!) I've only traveled First Class a couple times and while I like it, as long as I can afford a "cheap seat," I still get to see the game.
So my week in Portland is coming close to an end. Today in addition to signing my papers, I had a pedicure and caught up with the lady who does the best pedicures in Portland (not that I've tried EVERYone but just in my experience), caught up with a friend I used to write with at The Oregonian who is now Development Director for a large non-profit that feeds the hungry, had coffee with my new friend Steve (FINALLY, a man smart enough to appreciate me!!), and then came home to turn on the air conditioners for poor Charlie. He's lying here enjoying the cool and my company, contented as he usually is. There is a gift in being able to see your dog just lying happily at your feet. I should vacuum but it would disturb him so maybe I'll read instead.
TravelinLady
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Saturday, June 23, 2007
June 23, Portland, Ore -- Oh my! What is going on with me? I have been so weepy lately. I used to be weepy. I used to cry -- or at least tear up -- at the drop of a hat. People told me that was a blessing, a gift. But I lost that gift. I didn't even cry at John's funeral. And today at the wedding of a lovely young lady I've sung with for the past year or so, I wept throughout the ceremony and even at the reception. Sarah's dad (name of John -- too much coincidence) passed away I think when she was 12. The pastor said something about a Jewish tradition that says when a parent has already passed away when their child gets married, God goes to the Garden of Eden to get the soul of that parent and take them to the wedding. What a wonderful tradition. Both of my kids were married without their dad. Kristin married a young man who had lost both his parents. Karl's wife was losing her dad, and he died within a couple weeks of their wedding. My chldren have experienced too much loss. I pray they find so much joy. But it also made me sad that neither of my kids were married in the church. I wish we could have had church weddings. Especially with our Pastor, Fr. Peter. He is one of the most blessed homilists I've ever heard.
Peter also talked about growing old together and being there for each other, even at the time of death. It is the last gift we can give our mate: to be there to help them transition to the Next Life. One of the most difficult things about the way I lost John was not being able to be with him when he died He was on an airplane flying from Yakima to Seattle; I was driving to Seattle from Portland trying to be there with him. There is no way I could possibly have been there in time. And that makes me sad -- that he had to die without me there to reassure and comfort him. I was with him for 35 years; why did God decide I didn't need to be with him on his last day?
There were lots of little things that reminded me of my marriage and how much I have lost. Unfortunately during these "dry" years I have gotten out of the habit of bringing tissues to weddings.
So maybe this weepiness is good, is going down deep to those tender feelings that maybe I've kept under lock and key to protect them. Or maybe gradually going off the anti-depressants I've been on for several years is allowing me to finally grieve for the loss of my life partner.
After the wedding reception I met a friend and we saw Evan Almighty. Interesting little messages in that movie. So if God came to you and asked you, face to face, to do something --- even if it seemed weird -- wouldn't you do it? Especially if all kinds of strange miracles started happening? I've always said: God, if You'll just tell me what you want, I'll do it. But how do you know (a) it's God; (b) what He's asking you to do. So I THINK God is asking me to make this pilgrimage and take plenty of time for prayer and reflection and meditation. And what do I think I will find? I don't have a clue but I hope it's some idea about the next step.
I'll keep you all posted.
TravelinLady
Peter also talked about growing old together and being there for each other, even at the time of death. It is the last gift we can give our mate: to be there to help them transition to the Next Life. One of the most difficult things about the way I lost John was not being able to be with him when he died He was on an airplane flying from Yakima to Seattle; I was driving to Seattle from Portland trying to be there with him. There is no way I could possibly have been there in time. And that makes me sad -- that he had to die without me there to reassure and comfort him. I was with him for 35 years; why did God decide I didn't need to be with him on his last day?
There were lots of little things that reminded me of my marriage and how much I have lost. Unfortunately during these "dry" years I have gotten out of the habit of bringing tissues to weddings.
So maybe this weepiness is good, is going down deep to those tender feelings that maybe I've kept under lock and key to protect them. Or maybe gradually going off the anti-depressants I've been on for several years is allowing me to finally grieve for the loss of my life partner.
After the wedding reception I met a friend and we saw Evan Almighty. Interesting little messages in that movie. So if God came to you and asked you, face to face, to do something --- even if it seemed weird -- wouldn't you do it? Especially if all kinds of strange miracles started happening? I've always said: God, if You'll just tell me what you want, I'll do it. But how do you know (a) it's God; (b) what He's asking you to do. So I THINK God is asking me to make this pilgrimage and take plenty of time for prayer and reflection and meditation. And what do I think I will find? I don't have a clue but I hope it's some idea about the next step.
I'll keep you all posted.
TravelinLady
Friday, June 22, 2007
Turn Off and Tune In
June 22, 2007, Portland, Ore -- People, people! Look at what you are missing by sitting in front of the televison! Wish I had my digital camera available. There was an exquisite sunset tonight. Charlie and I were the only ones out enjoying it. As we walked through the park to get a better view, everywhere we looked people were inside their motorhomes or trailers watching television. Life is out here in the real world, it's not on that screen. We are blessed with so much beauty in this life and we spend so much time missing it because we're looking at things that don't matter. How incredibly sad. And we wonder why people and families are so messed up!
TravelinLady
TravelinLady
Another Friday Night And I Ain't Got Nobody
June 22, Portland, Ore -- Is it Portland or is it me? Seems like when I'm here I have so much to do, so many friends to see, that I don't get half the things done I intended. I arrived late Wednesday afternoon -- too late, in fact, to make it to my pedicure appointment. Dang!! I forget how much longer it takes to do things when you're driving a 36-foot motorhome. (Also how hard it is to leave the Oregon coast when it's as beautiful as it was on Wednesday!) Fortunately I was able to reschedule for next week. So I arrived in Vancouver and got the car, leaving the rv at my son and daughter-in-law's house, and drove to Portland to meet my realtor. We had to sign yet another agreement. Since the inspection showed some problems with the siding, the buyer made another offer, reducing his original offer by $12,000, never mind that he's already gotten it for $10,000 less than asking, and it wouldn't have taken even half that amount to fix the problem areas. So we made a counter that at closing we would give him $5,000 to fix whatever he thought he needed to (since I'd have to fix the problems anyway before we put it back on the market). I had to sign that and then drop by the title co. to provide them a signature and some information.
Then I went back and got the rv, picking my son up from work on the way and doing a little shopping at TJs before then. Then I went to the rv park where I'd made arrangements to stay for a week. They were already closed and the site they had assigned me to was not long enough. So I looked for another one. Unfortunately, their sites were all back-ins with very little manuevering room to get back into them. Without a spotter I was not going to be able to back into such a tight space. So I went back to my son's (another "almost tears" moment; what do I do, where do I go??). I parked on the street that night. I drank my dinner (mango margaritas, thank you very much, with some homemade guacamole and chips so it was fruits and veggies, that's healthy, isn't it??) and went to bed. I had an appointment at 8 the next morning -- mass and then breakfast afterwards with a new friend. Since I was in Vancouver, I wasn't sure how long it would take to get to the parish so I left very early and had time to stop by the house and check email. My realtor reported that the buyer had told his realtor that if he didn't get $10,000 more off he was walking. My realtor said we could give him an additonal $1,000 back at closing for a total of $6,000. He agreed to that so she met me with the final forms to sign so I guess it's sold. Now I just need to sign the paperwork next week and then it will be a fait accompli. And good riddance -- not to the house but to this particular buyer. If he hadn't had all the financial stuff already in order I'd have sent him packing a week ago.
I stopped by the parish after my breakfast meeting and visited with friends there. I took Charlie to the groomer's and they were able to get him in. While Charlie had his "hair" done, I went to the credit union to get a short-term loan to pay for my new dinghy. Then Charlie -- smellling MUCH better -- and I met my brother Tom and his dog, Nick, Charlie's buddy, at a park in Vacouver close to Karl and Dee's. Charlie was so incredibly excited to see Nick. He jumped into Tom's car and we could hardly get him out.
I had a 4 p.m. meeting in Washougal to pick up my new car to tow behind the Mo. We went through the process of hooking up the car and unhooking it and then I took off with my new dinghy in tow. I ended up at a different rv park in Portland, right next to the Columbia River. It's a very nice park and was very easy to get into. It's very nice -- the one bad thing is it's right next to the air national guard based and the airport and so military jets and regular jets fly over at all hours.
I barely had time to unhook my dinghy and grab a quick bite before heading to see my long-time voice instructor. She is singing with me this Sunday night (since my other singing partner is getting married Saturday and will be otherwise occupied Sunday night). So we went over music, harmonies, etc. We taped it since I didn't know a couple of the songs. I listened today and remembered how much fun we had working together over the years. There was always so much laughter on our tapes. She is another dear person. I have been incredibly blessed by SO MANY good people in my life!!
Then I went to a pub my son and daughter-in-law like to go to Thursday nights -- they have trivia night. My son is amazing! I can't figure out how he got to be so smart. He remembers the strangest, oddest things. But then, he always did easily memorize all kinds of things: songs, commercials, movie dialogue . . .
So this morning I went to mass again (I was late this time), saw several good friends and chatted with them briefly. Then went to meet another good friend, my widow friend Barb. We had a wonderful visit. She has been seeing a great guy for months and we haven't had much time to catch up. This friend and I share the same birthday (although she is several years younger than me), and at one time our husbands were very good friends (they even made beer together once, Yerkenkotter Pale Ale -- I don't think it was was very good). They died on the same day of the month, though her husband died 5 months before John died. Barb and I have become very close since we lost our husbands and shared this experience of being widows. I am so happy for her that she has a good guy who seems to love her as much as she deserves to be loved.
I was SUPPOSED to meet with my trainer but I lost track of time so . . . Oh darn. I had time to run back to the Mo and take Charlie out of a short walk.
Then went to see my beautician, another good friend (Fran, who is the one who finally convinced me I should be doing this). We always have great conversations. I have been incredibly blessed by SO MANY good people in my life!!
Sunday I plan to see my friend, Shelli. And hope to see my friend Colleen sometime in the next few days.
Maybe it's the idea of leaving all these wonderful people who have been such gifts in my life that helps me realize how lucky I have been and to try to connect with them all while I'm here. But I plan to see them all from time to time and am sure I will return to this area someday. I just have too many ties here to ever leave for more than a few months.
So, it is Friday night and I finally have some time to just sit and vege and post in my blog. Tomorrow it's the wedding, but I haven't had time to get a gift yet so I need to take care of that. And laundry. Then I am meeting a friend for a movie (same friend I had breakfast with yesterday). So you see what I mean -- it's always hectic when I'm back in town. And I still need to transfer the car into my name, and get insurance, and talk to an accountant about where to register the vehicles and how to deal with the residency and tax issues, and other business things. (Fortunately, my friend Barb knows a good accountant . . .) Little by little things are getting done. There's still lots to do but I think I'll be in good shape for leaving August 1 and heading east for a couple months.
So, for now it's just nice to sit here listening to music and sipping some wine. Now it's time to take Charlie for another walk. He is feeling very neglected. And since he had a bath yesterday, he's kind of nice to be around.
TravelinLady
Then I went back and got the rv, picking my son up from work on the way and doing a little shopping at TJs before then. Then I went to the rv park where I'd made arrangements to stay for a week. They were already closed and the site they had assigned me to was not long enough. So I looked for another one. Unfortunately, their sites were all back-ins with very little manuevering room to get back into them. Without a spotter I was not going to be able to back into such a tight space. So I went back to my son's (another "almost tears" moment; what do I do, where do I go??). I parked on the street that night. I drank my dinner (mango margaritas, thank you very much, with some homemade guacamole and chips so it was fruits and veggies, that's healthy, isn't it??) and went to bed. I had an appointment at 8 the next morning -- mass and then breakfast afterwards with a new friend. Since I was in Vancouver, I wasn't sure how long it would take to get to the parish so I left very early and had time to stop by the house and check email. My realtor reported that the buyer had told his realtor that if he didn't get $10,000 more off he was walking. My realtor said we could give him an additonal $1,000 back at closing for a total of $6,000. He agreed to that so she met me with the final forms to sign so I guess it's sold. Now I just need to sign the paperwork next week and then it will be a fait accompli. And good riddance -- not to the house but to this particular buyer. If he hadn't had all the financial stuff already in order I'd have sent him packing a week ago.
I stopped by the parish after my breakfast meeting and visited with friends there. I took Charlie to the groomer's and they were able to get him in. While Charlie had his "hair" done, I went to the credit union to get a short-term loan to pay for my new dinghy. Then Charlie -- smellling MUCH better -- and I met my brother Tom and his dog, Nick, Charlie's buddy, at a park in Vacouver close to Karl and Dee's. Charlie was so incredibly excited to see Nick. He jumped into Tom's car and we could hardly get him out.
I had a 4 p.m. meeting in Washougal to pick up my new car to tow behind the Mo. We went through the process of hooking up the car and unhooking it and then I took off with my new dinghy in tow. I ended up at a different rv park in Portland, right next to the Columbia River. It's a very nice park and was very easy to get into. It's very nice -- the one bad thing is it's right next to the air national guard based and the airport and so military jets and regular jets fly over at all hours.
I barely had time to unhook my dinghy and grab a quick bite before heading to see my long-time voice instructor. She is singing with me this Sunday night (since my other singing partner is getting married Saturday and will be otherwise occupied Sunday night). So we went over music, harmonies, etc. We taped it since I didn't know a couple of the songs. I listened today and remembered how much fun we had working together over the years. There was always so much laughter on our tapes. She is another dear person. I have been incredibly blessed by SO MANY good people in my life!!
Then I went to a pub my son and daughter-in-law like to go to Thursday nights -- they have trivia night. My son is amazing! I can't figure out how he got to be so smart. He remembers the strangest, oddest things. But then, he always did easily memorize all kinds of things: songs, commercials, movie dialogue . . .
So this morning I went to mass again (I was late this time), saw several good friends and chatted with them briefly. Then went to meet another good friend, my widow friend Barb. We had a wonderful visit. She has been seeing a great guy for months and we haven't had much time to catch up. This friend and I share the same birthday (although she is several years younger than me), and at one time our husbands were very good friends (they even made beer together once, Yerkenkotter Pale Ale -- I don't think it was was very good). They died on the same day of the month, though her husband died 5 months before John died. Barb and I have become very close since we lost our husbands and shared this experience of being widows. I am so happy for her that she has a good guy who seems to love her as much as she deserves to be loved.
I was SUPPOSED to meet with my trainer but I lost track of time so . . . Oh darn. I had time to run back to the Mo and take Charlie out of a short walk.
Then went to see my beautician, another good friend (Fran, who is the one who finally convinced me I should be doing this). We always have great conversations. I have been incredibly blessed by SO MANY good people in my life!!
Sunday I plan to see my friend, Shelli. And hope to see my friend Colleen sometime in the next few days.
Maybe it's the idea of leaving all these wonderful people who have been such gifts in my life that helps me realize how lucky I have been and to try to connect with them all while I'm here. But I plan to see them all from time to time and am sure I will return to this area someday. I just have too many ties here to ever leave for more than a few months.
So, it is Friday night and I finally have some time to just sit and vege and post in my blog. Tomorrow it's the wedding, but I haven't had time to get a gift yet so I need to take care of that. And laundry. Then I am meeting a friend for a movie (same friend I had breakfast with yesterday). So you see what I mean -- it's always hectic when I'm back in town. And I still need to transfer the car into my name, and get insurance, and talk to an accountant about where to register the vehicles and how to deal with the residency and tax issues, and other business things. (Fortunately, my friend Barb knows a good accountant . . .) Little by little things are getting done. There's still lots to do but I think I'll be in good shape for leaving August 1 and heading east for a couple months.
So, for now it's just nice to sit here listening to music and sipping some wine. Now it's time to take Charlie for another walk. He is feeling very neglected. And since he had a bath yesterday, he's kind of nice to be around.
TravelinLady
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Be Still and Know I am God
June 19, Pacific City, Ore -- This Psalm has been recurring to me the last couple of days. It has to do with the waiting and the loneliness I am undergoing. Be still. How hard is that!! We are all so inculturated to be productive, active, DOING something, moving forward. Many of the Christian mystics/philosophers believe(d) that you can really only truly move forward by being still, by waiting. By letting God.
Another thing going around in my head is Van Morrison’s song from Avalon Sunset: When will I ever learn to live in God; when will I ever learn? He gives me everything I need and more; when will I ever learn?” I guess that’s one of the things I like so much about Van Morrison: the way he wraps spirituality into so many of his songs when you listen closely.
Someone told me yesterday when I was worried about getting back to Charlie after being gone several hours that dogs don’t “do” time. As long as they can hold their bladders and their bowels, five hours is the same as five minutes. It doesn’t matter to them. There is alot we can learn from dogs, I think. I have had so many people tell me what a beautiful dog he is, and he truly is a beauty. A classic golden -- the kind you see in the calendars. I wanted a beautiful golden retriever and it really is only chance that brought him in to my life -- our lives, for he was originally John’s dog and he picked John. But with Charlie, the beauty is much more than his confirmation, his coat, his carriage. It’s his personality. He loves everyone (except cats and squirrels -- and bunnies are still a big question mark). And maybe he actually loves those creatures, too -- he certainly loves to chase them! He just is a sweet dog and lives life with gusto and abandon. To see him running headlong down the beach is guaranteed to lift my spirits. But the other thing about Charlie is, when someone offers him a treat he doesn’t like, he spits it out. He doesn’t eat it just to make them feel good. He is authentic.
A couple of weeks ago when we were on the beach at Neskowin and he was trying to catch seagulls, I told him to just sit quietly and wait. The birds would be more likely to come to him than if he went rushing up after them. Of course, he is a dog and doesn’t understand the concept of letting life come to him. It is ingrained in dogs to go out in search for their food, especially when they see it within a few leaps. It isn’t ingrained in us but we seem to believe that we have to go out and search for life. Is that what I’m doing -- going out and actively searching? Doesn’t feel like it to me right now as I sit in the sun and listen to the birds sing and see the blue sky and the all firs around me, Charlie lying at my feet.
After telling Charlie this last week, though, I told myself the opposite: I can’t hide from life. I will never find what I am looking for by sitting by myself at the beach or at a campground or rv park. Now I’m not so sure that’s true: Maybe it’s the only way I can find what I’m looking for -- by being still, by waiting, by letting God.
Last night while looking for paper for my printer (I didn’t find it) and the blueprints or information on the house (I didn’t find those either and really didn’t expect to), I found some notes I wrote about 12 years ago at a retreat at Nestucca Sanctuary/retreat center. I was sitting in the middle of a big meadow with a view of the bay and had been sitting there -- just sitting -- for awhile. One of the other women from the retreat came walking up the road. She didn’t see me. She also was so busy she didn’t see the doe that stood nearby and watched her walk. The doe had no idea I was there. It was fascinating. As I sat there waiting, life came to me, and I felt and understood God’s presence.
Since I don’t have my digital camera to take pictures of this beautiful place, I’ve decided to take my paints up to the lodge and sit on the deck and try to paint something. Then if it looks even remotely decent I may try to scan it and add it to this blog. I miss painting and I am looking forward to doing that again.
Okay, as you can see, I did paint the view from the lodge deck. As well as I can capture it, anyway. One of the things that art -- painting and photography -- tell me is that when you try to capture and recreate the beauty God has given us, you always fall so very short. I would have had to do an overlay of pure silver to really capture the sea. And the trees -- there are so many greens. How do you find enough green colors to show the variety in nature? The ocean: today it is blue, but what shade of blue? And the sky -- it is impossible to show how beautiful it truly is. Even photos don't come close to doing justice to reality. I have never seen a photo of myself that looks like what I think I look like! It's only a vague representation of me. I'm sure that's true of everyone.
Still, it is a very enjoyable thing to do. Painting. Even if I am completely inadequate and unskilled at it; I still enjoy it. Instead of taking a few instant photos and adding them to my blog, I came up and spent a couple of hours painting. (That's one thing about watercolor painting: you have to be patient and wait till the first part dries before you go in with another color or you end up with mud. Hmmmmm, life lessons are everywhere!) Then I managed to scan the painting on my printer/scanner and viola! I'm so proud of myself!! The other thing about watercolors is that they can sit out and dry -- in fact, I used some paints I've had for probably 20 years when I first took watercolor lessons -- and you can add a bit of water and they are completely usable. So waiting isn't such a bad thing, is it? I have purposely NOT checked my e-mail so I still don't know if the house is sold. I've decided it will happen when/how it should and I just need to trust. So that's how I'm feeling today.
Travelin Lady
Getting Some Answers, Sort Of
June 18, Pacific City, OR -- Today I was thinking about my dad. It would have been his 86th birthday. It was always very close to Father’s Day or often even ON Father’s Day. I miss my dad, and I miss Mom. I’ve been past the state park where we scattered their ashes three times in the past couple weeks. Although I can’t stop because the Mo (or Momo as Kristin prefers -- or Kristin, how about Mommomo?) doesn’t fit and there is no turnaround, I always think of them and say hello, even though I know they aren’t there. On the way down I stopped briefly in Cannon Beach -- Mom’s favorite place -- but the bakery was gone -- no Haystack bread.
It was beautiful in Pacific City today. Of course; it’s Monday! Is this beginning to sound like a broken record? It does to me. This is an interesting place -- closest I’ve been to actually camping. The sites are quite private, separated by salal and rhododendrons and firs. In fact, last night and tonight I actually made a small campfire. No marshmallows to toast but a cozy little fire with all the crackling and popping. Tonight as I sat there with twilight drifting into a deeper shade of night, the birds were twittering softly. I wonder if they are saying their goodnights to each other in bird?
There are actually rabbits here, too, but none in the loop Charlie and I are in. There is also a section with horse corrals for people who want to bring their horses to the beach. Interesting. This is a Thousand Trails facility. I went to my sales presentation this morning. It started at 10 and I didn’t leave till after 2. Guess that’s what happens when you’re starved for conversation. Actually, I just had a lot of questions, not only about the program but about RVing in general. The guy who was my salesman was interesting and patient and a nice guy. It is a good program so I bought, assuming my house is going to sell soon.
Speaking of the house, there were some issues with the siding and I won’t know for sure until tomorrow what the buyer wants to do. Regardless I’ll probably have to spend some money to fix or replace the siding; it will always be an issue for a potential buyer. I’m trying to just not worry about it and assume that whatever happens is what God wants to have happen. If it sells, that just confirms my decision. If it doesn’t sell, maybe that tells me I either shouldn’t be doing this or should hold onto the house for some reason; perhaps to return to the parish. Trying to be patient, but it’s so hard. I just want it sold so (a) that’s one thing less to worry about and (b) I have a little cash to take care of some things like new tires for the Mo, to pay off the mortgage, other debts and pay down the Mo. Little things that will make my life a little less stressful.
The buyer wanted a copy of the blueprints and I had those around but Dang! They now seem to be missing. I know I set them aside. I have no clue what happened to them but at this point can only assume they got tossed by the people who did the sale. More and more I am regretting going through with that. Kristin, you can say “I told you so!” if you want. It’s kind of silly of me: I go to bazaars or things like that and see something I like, but I don’t buy it because I know I can do the same thing myself. Heck, I could have done what they did. Sure it would have taken time and been difficult, but I would probably have made more money in the long run. But it’s done and I can’t unring that bell. However, if I COULD go back in time . . . there’s alot I would do; this sale would be one of the last things I’d worry about changing.
So, after being in a deep slump for several days (maybe it was the cloudy, misty weather at the coast?), on my last night in Long Beach I picked up a book I had bought the week before while in Lincoln City. I was getting groceries and there just happened to be a bookstore, and since I’m looking for a couple of books, one on prayer and one on St. John of the Cross, I went in and browsed through their spirituality books. Didn’t find the two I was looking for but found two others. The one I picked up Sunday night was by Sue Monk Kidd (The Secret Life of Bees, The Mermaid’s Chair, both of which I’ve read and enjoyed and recommend): When the Heart Waits. I highly recommend it just based on the first couple chapters.
She writes about the “pilgrimage” of middle age that leads us to seek our true selves, to grow and become that which God intended us to be. John of the Cross talked about this process, as well as other mystics and as did Thomas Merton: the contemplative journey of going into the depths of ourselves to find our true self. She writes: When the fullness of time comes, a sacred voice at the heart of us cries out, shaking the old foundation. It draws us into a turbulence that forces us to confront our deepest issues. It’s as if some inner divine grace seeks our growth and becoming and will plunge us, if need be, into a cauldron that seethes with questions and voices we would just as soon not hear.” Wow! She’s got my number!! Apparently Carl Jung addressed this journey in his work, saying that “every midlife crisis is a spiritual crisis.” He called this life phase the afternoon, a time for adapting to the inner world by developing the full and true self, a more real, more Christ-like self. He compared the transition between these two phases (morning and afternoon) to a difficult birth. (So, I’m in the process of a difficult pregnancy: just bring me ice cream!)
That night (or more likely the next morning) I had a dream in which a very good long-time friend who moved to Mexico and with whom I’ve lost contact, despite attempts to find out what is happening with her, showed up in my life again and as we were walking and talking she showed me my grave, just a shallow little grave on the side of the path. No marker, nothing but soil heaped up over it. I don’t remember what she said, but I do remember my shock that I had a grave because I didn’t think I had died.
Monk says waiting is critical to the process and I know this is true. Even though I also know how hard waiting is. So I guess that’s what’s happening to me. I’m still waiting. I’m just waiting in a more fluid way right now, a more pilgrim way. I have physically left behind my old self in many ways; now I just have to continue that process on a deeper level and replace that old self, that old life of masks and being the person I think others expect and want me to be, with one that is true. Time to tell the Duchess and the wounded little orphan girl goodbye and good riddance. I knew when I started on this process that this was what I was embarking on; taking time to read and pray, seek and grow. I just haven’t done the things I meant to do. It’s so easy to get distracted, even when you have made a conscious effort to clear the distractions away. I keep thinking once (fill-in-the-blank) is done I’ll be able to focus. Well, there’s probably always going to be something that will keep me from doing the hard work that needs to be done.
But the bottom line is, after begging God to help me understand why I have done this, God answered, in less than 24 hours. That didn’t require too much waiting. So, back to the books, girl! Back to prayer, silence, focusing, listening, being open. There isn’t really a “how to” for this process and it’s not something that will probably ever be completely done. It is an ongoing process that doesn’t end until death. But as Mary Poppins said: Well begun is half done.
TravelinLady
It was beautiful in Pacific City today. Of course; it’s Monday! Is this beginning to sound like a broken record? It does to me. This is an interesting place -- closest I’ve been to actually camping. The sites are quite private, separated by salal and rhododendrons and firs. In fact, last night and tonight I actually made a small campfire. No marshmallows to toast but a cozy little fire with all the crackling and popping. Tonight as I sat there with twilight drifting into a deeper shade of night, the birds were twittering softly. I wonder if they are saying their goodnights to each other in bird?
There are actually rabbits here, too, but none in the loop Charlie and I are in. There is also a section with horse corrals for people who want to bring their horses to the beach. Interesting. This is a Thousand Trails facility. I went to my sales presentation this morning. It started at 10 and I didn’t leave till after 2. Guess that’s what happens when you’re starved for conversation. Actually, I just had a lot of questions, not only about the program but about RVing in general. The guy who was my salesman was interesting and patient and a nice guy. It is a good program so I bought, assuming my house is going to sell soon.
Speaking of the house, there were some issues with the siding and I won’t know for sure until tomorrow what the buyer wants to do. Regardless I’ll probably have to spend some money to fix or replace the siding; it will always be an issue for a potential buyer. I’m trying to just not worry about it and assume that whatever happens is what God wants to have happen. If it sells, that just confirms my decision. If it doesn’t sell, maybe that tells me I either shouldn’t be doing this or should hold onto the house for some reason; perhaps to return to the parish. Trying to be patient, but it’s so hard. I just want it sold so (a) that’s one thing less to worry about and (b) I have a little cash to take care of some things like new tires for the Mo, to pay off the mortgage, other debts and pay down the Mo. Little things that will make my life a little less stressful.
The buyer wanted a copy of the blueprints and I had those around but Dang! They now seem to be missing. I know I set them aside. I have no clue what happened to them but at this point can only assume they got tossed by the people who did the sale. More and more I am regretting going through with that. Kristin, you can say “I told you so!” if you want. It’s kind of silly of me: I go to bazaars or things like that and see something I like, but I don’t buy it because I know I can do the same thing myself. Heck, I could have done what they did. Sure it would have taken time and been difficult, but I would probably have made more money in the long run. But it’s done and I can’t unring that bell. However, if I COULD go back in time . . . there’s alot I would do; this sale would be one of the last things I’d worry about changing.
So, after being in a deep slump for several days (maybe it was the cloudy, misty weather at the coast?), on my last night in Long Beach I picked up a book I had bought the week before while in Lincoln City. I was getting groceries and there just happened to be a bookstore, and since I’m looking for a couple of books, one on prayer and one on St. John of the Cross, I went in and browsed through their spirituality books. Didn’t find the two I was looking for but found two others. The one I picked up Sunday night was by Sue Monk Kidd (The Secret Life of Bees, The Mermaid’s Chair, both of which I’ve read and enjoyed and recommend): When the Heart Waits. I highly recommend it just based on the first couple chapters.
She writes about the “pilgrimage” of middle age that leads us to seek our true selves, to grow and become that which God intended us to be. John of the Cross talked about this process, as well as other mystics and as did Thomas Merton: the contemplative journey of going into the depths of ourselves to find our true self. She writes: When the fullness of time comes, a sacred voice at the heart of us cries out, shaking the old foundation. It draws us into a turbulence that forces us to confront our deepest issues. It’s as if some inner divine grace seeks our growth and becoming and will plunge us, if need be, into a cauldron that seethes with questions and voices we would just as soon not hear.” Wow! She’s got my number!! Apparently Carl Jung addressed this journey in his work, saying that “every midlife crisis is a spiritual crisis.” He called this life phase the afternoon, a time for adapting to the inner world by developing the full and true self, a more real, more Christ-like self. He compared the transition between these two phases (morning and afternoon) to a difficult birth. (So, I’m in the process of a difficult pregnancy: just bring me ice cream!)
That night (or more likely the next morning) I had a dream in which a very good long-time friend who moved to Mexico and with whom I’ve lost contact, despite attempts to find out what is happening with her, showed up in my life again and as we were walking and talking she showed me my grave, just a shallow little grave on the side of the path. No marker, nothing but soil heaped up over it. I don’t remember what she said, but I do remember my shock that I had a grave because I didn’t think I had died.
Monk says waiting is critical to the process and I know this is true. Even though I also know how hard waiting is. So I guess that’s what’s happening to me. I’m still waiting. I’m just waiting in a more fluid way right now, a more pilgrim way. I have physically left behind my old self in many ways; now I just have to continue that process on a deeper level and replace that old self, that old life of masks and being the person I think others expect and want me to be, with one that is true. Time to tell the Duchess and the wounded little orphan girl goodbye and good riddance. I knew when I started on this process that this was what I was embarking on; taking time to read and pray, seek and grow. I just haven’t done the things I meant to do. It’s so easy to get distracted, even when you have made a conscious effort to clear the distractions away. I keep thinking once (fill-in-the-blank) is done I’ll be able to focus. Well, there’s probably always going to be something that will keep me from doing the hard work that needs to be done.
But the bottom line is, after begging God to help me understand why I have done this, God answered, in less than 24 hours. That didn’t require too much waiting. So, back to the books, girl! Back to prayer, silence, focusing, listening, being open. There isn’t really a “how to” for this process and it’s not something that will probably ever be completely done. It is an ongoing process that doesn’t end until death. But as Mary Poppins said: Well begun is half done.
TravelinLady
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Leaving Long Beach
June 16, Long Beach, Wash. -- The last day here. I woke up with a horrible headache and took Charlie out for a brief walk and then slept until 12:30. Yesterday I was able to take care of a couple things while I was in town but not as much as I wanted. I did get a chance to spend some time with Karl and his two younger boys, Eli and Asher. I took them out to lunch. Whew! $40 for lunch for two adults and two kids. And they take all three of the kids out fairly frequently. That adds up. I think Karl and Dee both realize that a lot of their money goes for eating out and I think they agree they need to cut that back some. I was so impressed talking with my son. I think he was incredibly reluctant to ask for money last week but felt over a barrel. I understand where he was; I have been there myself many times, but with no one to turn to. I think he will work hard to avoid having to come to me for help again. He is definitely growing up. I am proud of him and I think he has a wonderful family. I think he will work hard to take care of them.
I also took time to go to Mass Friday morning (I didn’t wake up in time for Contemplative prayer) and Fr. Peter’s homily, though brief, spoke to exactly where I am right now: Lost. I have already missed hearing his words that always speak directly to me; I know that I will continue to miss those messages and another really sad and painful thing -- aside from stepping down from Pastoral Council -- is knowing that he will probably be leaving next year, though I hope not. I have already squandered too many opportunities to benefit from his wisdom and spiritual guidance by going to another parish to sing for awhile. I regret those lost opportunities so very much. I don’t want him to leave but it is likely that he will be sent somewhere else. There are so many great needs and we have been so blessed to have had him for this long. After Mass I had coffee with a friend, Mike, who is such a dear person and such a great source of comfort and support and guidance to me. He is a darling man, a widower and former Jesuit priest, and we have shared some painful memories and experiences.
I left Vancouver around 2:30 and on the way back to Astoria called Enterprise to talk about their hours both that day and Saturday and ask how to schedule a ride home Saturday. The manager told me they weren’t going to be able to give me a ride back to Long Beach on Saturday and they closed at 5:30 Friday. It was after 4, I was probably 30 to 45 minutes out of Astoria and still had to fuel the car. I wanted to drive back to Long Beach and get my stuff -- including Charlie -- out and clean and deodorize the car (I had bought some Febreze with allergy reducers). Obviously I didn’t have time for that. I explained to the manager WHY I needed to go back to Long Beach before returning the car. He said to just bring it by and we’d see how it looked.
I was near tears (on top of this latest frustration and some emotional downers while in Portland, I had hadn’t slept well and was exhausted). I had no way to get back from Astoria to Long Beach -- I think it’s over 20 miles -- and if I didn’t get the car back by 5:30 I would be stuck. So OF COURSE traffic was incredibly slow. And OF COURSE I took a wrong turn that put me on a long bridge (Young’s Bay) that wouldn’t allow me to turn around for several miles. And OF COURSE when I finally got off, the traffic to get back on the bridge the other way was very heavy and people in Astoria are not accustomed to “just getting out there” and squeezing in. So I had to show them how. They also don’t understand, apparently, that you can get across one lane and wait in the lined-off divider area until your lane is free. I managed to pull it off without causing any accidents but I think I frightened one little old lady quite badly. I managed to get to the Enterprise office by about 5:20. The manager accepted the car and kindly allowed his car prep guy to give me a ride back to Long Beach. He could tell I was close to the edge and was very kind. I left them my Febreze. And gave my driver a $5 tip for working late on a Friday. Then mixed myself a good stiff gin and tonic, and then a second one, cooked myself a steak and went to bed.
It was a windy, cloudy, sometime rainy day today. (Of course; it’s Saturday!) I spent quite a lot of time looking at my road atlas and rv park books and planning my trip to Minnesota (via Rapid City SD) in August. I figure it will take me about a week of 6-7 hour days and an extra day for the Badlands. I guess that’s doable. It was actually fun and invigorating to plan the first leg of the trip. As of yet I don’t have an exact date when I need to be in Minnesota. Once I am off “roaming” with my cell I’ll call my sister and see if she has any more information. I have heard, however, that there is something of a drought back east and that the portages in the Boundary Waters are very long this summer because the lakes are all so low. It would be fun if Shirley could meet me somewhere and drive east with me. We could probably drive longer days if there were two of us. Seven hours is about all I can do alone in a day. I’d never make it as a truck driver!
So after getting that all figured out -- miles, hours, potential overnight stops -- I took Charlie on a very long walk on the beach. We were gone about two hours. Today’s ocean feature was birds. Huge flocks out over the ocean and also along the tide-line. I’m not sure what was happening but it looked like something out of a Hitchcock thriller. (Maybe it was those anchovies Kristin talked about in a comment to one of my earlier posts.) Sea gulls, of course, Caspian terns with their black caps and red beaks, huge, ungainly pelicans. I watched one tern swoop into the surf and snag a fish. In fact, Charlie actually managed to catch a fish himself but I was worried he was drinking salt water so I said no, and he promptly dropped it. But he still managed somehow to come home smelling of fish. Yuck! Why do dogs think it’s good to smell bad?
Charlie loved chasing the birds. He’d go racing up to a gathering. The gulls and terns would take two or three running steps and be off. The pelicans were really funny to watch -- they would hop on both feet several times before their big wings would lift them off into the air.
We walked a good two (possibly three) miles north and suddenly the birds were gone. And except for two crazy guys with their four-wheel drives that they’d gotten stuck in the soft sand -- Charlie and I were alone. This beach is huge -- it is very long and very wide and very, very empty.
The wind was blowing hard today and I was walking north into the wind. As it rushed past my ears all I could hear was the roar of the wind and the roar of the ocean. I could close my eyes and lean into the wind and feel as though I was in another world. Completely alone and cut off from all human contact. Actually, except for a brief phone conversation with my son and my brother Mike and the desk person at another rv park a mile north of mine to get a price sheet, I spoke to no humans today. Very eerie. I guess I can understand some of the crazy people who walk around downtown Portland muttering to themselves. Maybe they’re not crazy, just lonely and the only people they have to talk to are themselves.
So today again I talked to God -- with no small level of frustration and anger and even pain -- and asked what this is all about. I think I am doing what I have been called to do for the time being -- give up everything and step out in faith. And oh, I have given up everything. Security, friends, roots, routine, comfort, all my things, my faith community and the support from that; what little power I had as a member of the Pastoral Council, whatever power or influence I had as an aide to a U.S. Senator. I feel not only lost but naked, without protection, subject to whatever the winds blow my way. And I feel utterly devoid of a cause, of a mission, of some sense that I am doing something to make a difference in the world, to anyone. I can only continue to do what I think I am called to do, even though I do not see the end or any benefits from me doing this. But I have lived long enough to know that benefits accrue even where and when we do not foresee them. And that alone gives me hope and the faith to continue on until I get a clear signal that this pilgrimage is over. Or that there is some purpose here and I am able to continue with more enthusiasm and a renewed sense of mission or passion or whatever it takes.
So tomorrow I unhook and head back south to the Oregon Coast for three nights. Then back to Portland (more likely Vancouver) for a week or so. I am ready for some decent weather, for more than one day at a time. It is downright cold here, between the wind and the clouds. I am also looking forward to having better cell access and maybe even internet access so I can communicate with the world. The young lady, Sarah, I have been singing with is getting married next Saturday and then Sunday I will sing at the Contemplative Mass again. I will also sing in July -- and that will end my year-long commitment. Another very wonderful thing I am giving up. I’m not sure I’d be able to continue even if I stayed in town as the person we took over for will be back. I have another wedding to attend in July and possibly another parish event on the 31st, depending on when I have to be in Minnesota. And that will be it for the parish commitments I have, until the October 6 fundraiser for John's scholarship fund that I am planning to return for. I could find something at least once a month (not counting Masses) to return to St. Ignatius for but that would only prolong the agony of leaving and make it harder for me to start on this journey. And if I never leave, then I will not ever be able to really come back -- it will be unfinished business. So that’s the other hope I hold onto, that someday I will be able to return to my parish and friends, possibly to work of some kind. But that is all dark right now; I have no sense of what that looks like. I must face each day and week as they come to me, accepting whatever gifts and graces I find, especially those wholly unexpected.
TravelinLady
I also took time to go to Mass Friday morning (I didn’t wake up in time for Contemplative prayer) and Fr. Peter’s homily, though brief, spoke to exactly where I am right now: Lost. I have already missed hearing his words that always speak directly to me; I know that I will continue to miss those messages and another really sad and painful thing -- aside from stepping down from Pastoral Council -- is knowing that he will probably be leaving next year, though I hope not. I have already squandered too many opportunities to benefit from his wisdom and spiritual guidance by going to another parish to sing for awhile. I regret those lost opportunities so very much. I don’t want him to leave but it is likely that he will be sent somewhere else. There are so many great needs and we have been so blessed to have had him for this long. After Mass I had coffee with a friend, Mike, who is such a dear person and such a great source of comfort and support and guidance to me. He is a darling man, a widower and former Jesuit priest, and we have shared some painful memories and experiences.
I left Vancouver around 2:30 and on the way back to Astoria called Enterprise to talk about their hours both that day and Saturday and ask how to schedule a ride home Saturday. The manager told me they weren’t going to be able to give me a ride back to Long Beach on Saturday and they closed at 5:30 Friday. It was after 4, I was probably 30 to 45 minutes out of Astoria and still had to fuel the car. I wanted to drive back to Long Beach and get my stuff -- including Charlie -- out and clean and deodorize the car (I had bought some Febreze with allergy reducers). Obviously I didn’t have time for that. I explained to the manager WHY I needed to go back to Long Beach before returning the car. He said to just bring it by and we’d see how it looked.
I was near tears (on top of this latest frustration and some emotional downers while in Portland, I had hadn’t slept well and was exhausted). I had no way to get back from Astoria to Long Beach -- I think it’s over 20 miles -- and if I didn’t get the car back by 5:30 I would be stuck. So OF COURSE traffic was incredibly slow. And OF COURSE I took a wrong turn that put me on a long bridge (Young’s Bay) that wouldn’t allow me to turn around for several miles. And OF COURSE when I finally got off, the traffic to get back on the bridge the other way was very heavy and people in Astoria are not accustomed to “just getting out there” and squeezing in. So I had to show them how. They also don’t understand, apparently, that you can get across one lane and wait in the lined-off divider area until your lane is free. I managed to pull it off without causing any accidents but I think I frightened one little old lady quite badly. I managed to get to the Enterprise office by about 5:20. The manager accepted the car and kindly allowed his car prep guy to give me a ride back to Long Beach. He could tell I was close to the edge and was very kind. I left them my Febreze. And gave my driver a $5 tip for working late on a Friday. Then mixed myself a good stiff gin and tonic, and then a second one, cooked myself a steak and went to bed.
It was a windy, cloudy, sometime rainy day today. (Of course; it’s Saturday!) I spent quite a lot of time looking at my road atlas and rv park books and planning my trip to Minnesota (via Rapid City SD) in August. I figure it will take me about a week of 6-7 hour days and an extra day for the Badlands. I guess that’s doable. It was actually fun and invigorating to plan the first leg of the trip. As of yet I don’t have an exact date when I need to be in Minnesota. Once I am off “roaming” with my cell I’ll call my sister and see if she has any more information. I have heard, however, that there is something of a drought back east and that the portages in the Boundary Waters are very long this summer because the lakes are all so low. It would be fun if Shirley could meet me somewhere and drive east with me. We could probably drive longer days if there were two of us. Seven hours is about all I can do alone in a day. I’d never make it as a truck driver!
So after getting that all figured out -- miles, hours, potential overnight stops -- I took Charlie on a very long walk on the beach. We were gone about two hours. Today’s ocean feature was birds. Huge flocks out over the ocean and also along the tide-line. I’m not sure what was happening but it looked like something out of a Hitchcock thriller. (Maybe it was those anchovies Kristin talked about in a comment to one of my earlier posts.) Sea gulls, of course, Caspian terns with their black caps and red beaks, huge, ungainly pelicans. I watched one tern swoop into the surf and snag a fish. In fact, Charlie actually managed to catch a fish himself but I was worried he was drinking salt water so I said no, and he promptly dropped it. But he still managed somehow to come home smelling of fish. Yuck! Why do dogs think it’s good to smell bad?
Charlie loved chasing the birds. He’d go racing up to a gathering. The gulls and terns would take two or three running steps and be off. The pelicans were really funny to watch -- they would hop on both feet several times before their big wings would lift them off into the air.
We walked a good two (possibly three) miles north and suddenly the birds were gone. And except for two crazy guys with their four-wheel drives that they’d gotten stuck in the soft sand -- Charlie and I were alone. This beach is huge -- it is very long and very wide and very, very empty.
The wind was blowing hard today and I was walking north into the wind. As it rushed past my ears all I could hear was the roar of the wind and the roar of the ocean. I could close my eyes and lean into the wind and feel as though I was in another world. Completely alone and cut off from all human contact. Actually, except for a brief phone conversation with my son and my brother Mike and the desk person at another rv park a mile north of mine to get a price sheet, I spoke to no humans today. Very eerie. I guess I can understand some of the crazy people who walk around downtown Portland muttering to themselves. Maybe they’re not crazy, just lonely and the only people they have to talk to are themselves.
So today again I talked to God -- with no small level of frustration and anger and even pain -- and asked what this is all about. I think I am doing what I have been called to do for the time being -- give up everything and step out in faith. And oh, I have given up everything. Security, friends, roots, routine, comfort, all my things, my faith community and the support from that; what little power I had as a member of the Pastoral Council, whatever power or influence I had as an aide to a U.S. Senator. I feel not only lost but naked, without protection, subject to whatever the winds blow my way. And I feel utterly devoid of a cause, of a mission, of some sense that I am doing something to make a difference in the world, to anyone. I can only continue to do what I think I am called to do, even though I do not see the end or any benefits from me doing this. But I have lived long enough to know that benefits accrue even where and when we do not foresee them. And that alone gives me hope and the faith to continue on until I get a clear signal that this pilgrimage is over. Or that there is some purpose here and I am able to continue with more enthusiasm and a renewed sense of mission or passion or whatever it takes.
So tomorrow I unhook and head back south to the Oregon Coast for three nights. Then back to Portland (more likely Vancouver) for a week or so. I am ready for some decent weather, for more than one day at a time. It is downright cold here, between the wind and the clouds. I am also looking forward to having better cell access and maybe even internet access so I can communicate with the world. The young lady, Sarah, I have been singing with is getting married next Saturday and then Sunday I will sing at the Contemplative Mass again. I will also sing in July -- and that will end my year-long commitment. Another very wonderful thing I am giving up. I’m not sure I’d be able to continue even if I stayed in town as the person we took over for will be back. I have another wedding to attend in July and possibly another parish event on the 31st, depending on when I have to be in Minnesota. And that will be it for the parish commitments I have, until the October 6 fundraiser for John's scholarship fund that I am planning to return for. I could find something at least once a month (not counting Masses) to return to St. Ignatius for but that would only prolong the agony of leaving and make it harder for me to start on this journey. And if I never leave, then I will not ever be able to really come back -- it will be unfinished business. So that’s the other hope I hold onto, that someday I will be able to return to my parish and friends, possibly to work of some kind. But that is all dark right now; I have no sense of what that looks like. I must face each day and week as they come to me, accepting whatever gifts and graces I find, especially those wholly unexpected.
TravelinLady
Thursday, June 14, 2007
A Stranger in a Strange Land
June 14, Portland, Ore -- Tonight I am feeling displaced, like a refugee; rootless, unanchored. I had my last Pastoral Council meeting tonight so rented a car this morning and drove into Portland. I am sleeping on the couch in the basement. I brought along a sheet and quilt and my pillow and a change of clothes. But otherwise the house is empty.
When I arrived “home” this afternoon, all the doors were open and there were cars in the driveway. Apparently they picked the ONE day I’ve been at the house in a couple weeks to do the inspection. So I didn’t even get to have my empty house to myself. I sat on my front steps and was able to get a wifi connection but I had a list of other things I was going to try to do and didn’t get any of them done. Even being outside I could hear the inspector going on about all these little things that “weren’t right.” I have a fine house and I managed to live in it quite successfully and comfortably for almost 14 years -- I really didn’t need to overhear his issues. It was upsetting, to say the least.
It feels like this hasn’t been my home for a month now. First in mid-May the estate sale crew moved in and took over, and now the real estate people. I don’t like this sense of being uncomfortable and unwelcome in my own home -- even if it was my choice to do the sales.
Pastoral Council was difficult tonight. We were dealing with a controversial decision and were fairly divided in our thoughts. During the process we spent a couple of times in church in prayer. At one point during prayer I pictured myself living in the Mo, and it felt . . . incomplete, somehow; unfinished. Like I was just in a temporary holding pattern. That’s how I felt this winter before making my decision, just on hold, waiting to decide something. Well, I decided something BIG time, and still it feels like it’s only a temporary step, a means to some end I can’t yet see.
I feel very, very torn leaving the Council after only a year. I want to stay on in some way but I was never able to really discuss it with the Pastor. So I have been replaced. This was my last meeting. Being on the Council has been a blessing in many ways, even with difficult discussions and decisions. I have gotten to know some really wonderful people much better. And hopefully those new friendships will continue. It has also been a prayerful time for me and how much it played into my decision to follow this road I am not sure.
So it feels like I have been saying goodbye for awhile, but only kind of. I have said goodbye to most of my things. This is undoubtedly the last night I will sleep in the house I have slept in for more than 13 years, 10 of those with John. I have said goodbye to my parish community -- a couple of times, I guess. And to my friends here. It’s like I have a foot stuck in Portland and the rest of me is stepping away. It’s like part of me just doesn’t want to do this; just wants my life to go back to the way it was, with my friends and my house and my things all still intact. Maybe it would be easier to just leave and not come back for awhile. I think that’s what people expect me to do. They act surprised when they see me back in town. I’ll admit, it doesn’t really make alot of sense to me, either.
I am feeling a deep sense of loss tonight. So much of what I have known and loved the past 30 years seems going or already gone. If I were just doing this downshifting of my life as a lark, or to have fun or to follow a dream, that would be one thing. But I’m not . . . I’m not sure why I am doing it, only that I felt pulled to do it now, for whatever reason. Pulled, literally, because I feel like I’m dragging my heels and kicking and screaming.
So another night of second thoughts and whys. Maybe I’ll get past these doubts eventually and be able to move forward and embrace this decision and this new life. Tonight not even Charlie could cheer me up; he is feeling unsettled, too -- in really the only home he’s ever known -- and I have no patience with him. Tomorrow I’m sure things will look better.
TravelinLady
When I arrived “home” this afternoon, all the doors were open and there were cars in the driveway. Apparently they picked the ONE day I’ve been at the house in a couple weeks to do the inspection. So I didn’t even get to have my empty house to myself. I sat on my front steps and was able to get a wifi connection but I had a list of other things I was going to try to do and didn’t get any of them done. Even being outside I could hear the inspector going on about all these little things that “weren’t right.” I have a fine house and I managed to live in it quite successfully and comfortably for almost 14 years -- I really didn’t need to overhear his issues. It was upsetting, to say the least.
It feels like this hasn’t been my home for a month now. First in mid-May the estate sale crew moved in and took over, and now the real estate people. I don’t like this sense of being uncomfortable and unwelcome in my own home -- even if it was my choice to do the sales.
Pastoral Council was difficult tonight. We were dealing with a controversial decision and were fairly divided in our thoughts. During the process we spent a couple of times in church in prayer. At one point during prayer I pictured myself living in the Mo, and it felt . . . incomplete, somehow; unfinished. Like I was just in a temporary holding pattern. That’s how I felt this winter before making my decision, just on hold, waiting to decide something. Well, I decided something BIG time, and still it feels like it’s only a temporary step, a means to some end I can’t yet see.
I feel very, very torn leaving the Council after only a year. I want to stay on in some way but I was never able to really discuss it with the Pastor. So I have been replaced. This was my last meeting. Being on the Council has been a blessing in many ways, even with difficult discussions and decisions. I have gotten to know some really wonderful people much better. And hopefully those new friendships will continue. It has also been a prayerful time for me and how much it played into my decision to follow this road I am not sure.
So it feels like I have been saying goodbye for awhile, but only kind of. I have said goodbye to most of my things. This is undoubtedly the last night I will sleep in the house I have slept in for more than 13 years, 10 of those with John. I have said goodbye to my parish community -- a couple of times, I guess. And to my friends here. It’s like I have a foot stuck in Portland and the rest of me is stepping away. It’s like part of me just doesn’t want to do this; just wants my life to go back to the way it was, with my friends and my house and my things all still intact. Maybe it would be easier to just leave and not come back for awhile. I think that’s what people expect me to do. They act surprised when they see me back in town. I’ll admit, it doesn’t really make alot of sense to me, either.
I am feeling a deep sense of loss tonight. So much of what I have known and loved the past 30 years seems going or already gone. If I were just doing this downshifting of my life as a lark, or to have fun or to follow a dream, that would be one thing. But I’m not . . . I’m not sure why I am doing it, only that I felt pulled to do it now, for whatever reason. Pulled, literally, because I feel like I’m dragging my heels and kicking and screaming.
So another night of second thoughts and whys. Maybe I’ll get past these doubts eventually and be able to move forward and embrace this decision and this new life. Tonight not even Charlie could cheer me up; he is feeling unsettled, too -- in really the only home he’s ever known -- and I have no patience with him. Tomorrow I’m sure things will look better.
TravelinLady
Mysteries and Paradoxes
June 13, Long Beach, Wash. -- Well never got to either the filing or the painting. I decided to do a load of laundry instead. Unfortunately the driers here are lousy so even with two cycles (at $1.25 each) the clothes were still wet and it was after 9 p.m. So I ended up hanging them inside the Mo. Well, didn’t THAT look attractive! But they were dry this morning.
I am out of milk and getting pretty low on food supplies. I need to get to the store but am not sure I’m ready to ride the bike back into town, especially since it is threatening to rain and the wind is very gusty today. I think I can put it off until tomorrow when I have a rental car.
While I was up at the clubhouse waiting on my laundry to dry (and watching Office Space while waiting) Karl called me and left a voicemail. I had offered to give him 5% of whatever we make if he would put an ad in Craig’s List and photos and sell the RAV4 for me. If a broker would give me $8,500 for it, and it Blue Book’s out at more than $9,000, if I can make at least that I will be ahead $500 -- so wouldn’t mind giving $450 to Karl. Plus he needs the money. In fact, I advanced him some because once again he was in a tight place. I must be the world’s worst mother -- I keep bailing my son out. I just keep hoping he will figure it out and be able to budget and live within his means. I know I cannot protect him and rescue him forever. Maybe I AM an enabler. I know he has the ability to get his life and finances sorted out, he just needs to make sacrifices, and maybe I’ve rescued him too many times for him to know how to sacrifice. It’s sometimes hard to know -- when you love someone so much -- when what you are doing to help them may, in fact, be crippling them.
I honestly don’t think this has anything to do with power or control on my part. I don’t think I am trying to buy his love or affection or in any way tie him to me. I don’t help him out because I think I would lose his love if I didn’t. I feel secure knowing he loves me regardless. I would love it if he never asked me for another dime. I would love to see him make the decisions he needs to make to be independent and to learn to be financially responsible. That would make me feel like a success as a mother. And yet it is so hard to say No to him. Thankfully I don’t have to say No to my daughter -- she seems to be doing just fine with her hubby, Ryan. I can justify buying her a plane ticket to Hawaii or other things that I’d like to do for Karl too but don’t feel I can because he so often NEEDS money.
But regardless of their circumstances, I need to be more responsible with my own finances. Now that I am not working I need to be much more careful about how I spend my money. And really, I am not going to be in a position to rescue Karl whenever he needs help.
So this morning Charlie and I took another long walk on the beach. He is always so excited when I take him off leash. He runs around in circles. His joy at simple things like an open beach and running full out, chasing seagulls, also gives me joy. I suspect that is how God feels about us when we revel in simple gifts like a beautiful beach at sunset, or wildflowers blooming.
The gifts left by the ocean this morning were parts of crabs. Shells, claws, legs. They were scattered everywhere along the high tide line. If it had just been the shells I would have thought it was crab molting season. I think -- although my naturalist daughter would know better and if she reads this blog perhaps she’ll comment -- that as they grow crabs lose their shells and grow new ones. Many of these shells were small -- not even close to legal harvest size (based on my limited crabbing experience with Kristin). But the other parts were almost as profuse so I’m wondering if something is killing them. Yesterday the high tide line was covered in feathers, small to large. There is an unpleasant brown color on the waves as they break on the shore here. And I don’t remember ever seeing so many Pelicans on the Oregon and Washington coastline. Mysteries.
Life is full of interesting paradoxes. While leaving the beach we found a dead seagull. They are rather ugly birds up close. Their long yellow beaks with a spot of red -- like a large drop of blood. They are nasty, squawking chatterers that bicker and fight among themselves, eat garbage and leave messes everywhere. But when they fly on the air currents, floating above the breakers so effortlessly, they are amazingly beautiful. I remember once seeing a seagull flying through clouds and a beam of sunlight struck the bird, turning it to a luminescent white, more beautiful than any dove I have ever seen. It is amazing how beauty and ugliness can often inhabit the same creatures. We just need to remember that and continue to look for the beauty. It is there if we take the time to find it.
Speaking of beauty, the wild roses are blooming, and there is a beach lupine here that is very small and delicate. We took the road back from the beach and stopped by a nursery/greenhouse along the way. The flowers here are such bright, vibrant colors. It’s like the gray colors of the sky and so many of the houses here make the colors of the flowers “pop.” I wish I could figure out a way to have flowers and maybe even a few vegetables. I will miss having fresh, homegrown tomatoes this summer. That is a definite downside of being a gypsy. No gardens to tend. I will have to depend on finding fresh fruits and vegetables along the way. And just admire the wildflowers as I find them. Or paint my own.
TravelinLady
I am out of milk and getting pretty low on food supplies. I need to get to the store but am not sure I’m ready to ride the bike back into town, especially since it is threatening to rain and the wind is very gusty today. I think I can put it off until tomorrow when I have a rental car.
While I was up at the clubhouse waiting on my laundry to dry (and watching Office Space while waiting) Karl called me and left a voicemail. I had offered to give him 5% of whatever we make if he would put an ad in Craig’s List and photos and sell the RAV4 for me. If a broker would give me $8,500 for it, and it Blue Book’s out at more than $9,000, if I can make at least that I will be ahead $500 -- so wouldn’t mind giving $450 to Karl. Plus he needs the money. In fact, I advanced him some because once again he was in a tight place. I must be the world’s worst mother -- I keep bailing my son out. I just keep hoping he will figure it out and be able to budget and live within his means. I know I cannot protect him and rescue him forever. Maybe I AM an enabler. I know he has the ability to get his life and finances sorted out, he just needs to make sacrifices, and maybe I’ve rescued him too many times for him to know how to sacrifice. It’s sometimes hard to know -- when you love someone so much -- when what you are doing to help them may, in fact, be crippling them.
I honestly don’t think this has anything to do with power or control on my part. I don’t think I am trying to buy his love or affection or in any way tie him to me. I don’t help him out because I think I would lose his love if I didn’t. I feel secure knowing he loves me regardless. I would love it if he never asked me for another dime. I would love to see him make the decisions he needs to make to be independent and to learn to be financially responsible. That would make me feel like a success as a mother. And yet it is so hard to say No to him. Thankfully I don’t have to say No to my daughter -- she seems to be doing just fine with her hubby, Ryan. I can justify buying her a plane ticket to Hawaii or other things that I’d like to do for Karl too but don’t feel I can because he so often NEEDS money.
But regardless of their circumstances, I need to be more responsible with my own finances. Now that I am not working I need to be much more careful about how I spend my money. And really, I am not going to be in a position to rescue Karl whenever he needs help.
So this morning Charlie and I took another long walk on the beach. He is always so excited when I take him off leash. He runs around in circles. His joy at simple things like an open beach and running full out, chasing seagulls, also gives me joy. I suspect that is how God feels about us when we revel in simple gifts like a beautiful beach at sunset, or wildflowers blooming.
The gifts left by the ocean this morning were parts of crabs. Shells, claws, legs. They were scattered everywhere along the high tide line. If it had just been the shells I would have thought it was crab molting season. I think -- although my naturalist daughter would know better and if she reads this blog perhaps she’ll comment -- that as they grow crabs lose their shells and grow new ones. Many of these shells were small -- not even close to legal harvest size (based on my limited crabbing experience with Kristin). But the other parts were almost as profuse so I’m wondering if something is killing them. Yesterday the high tide line was covered in feathers, small to large. There is an unpleasant brown color on the waves as they break on the shore here. And I don’t remember ever seeing so many Pelicans on the Oregon and Washington coastline. Mysteries.
Life is full of interesting paradoxes. While leaving the beach we found a dead seagull. They are rather ugly birds up close. Their long yellow beaks with a spot of red -- like a large drop of blood. They are nasty, squawking chatterers that bicker and fight among themselves, eat garbage and leave messes everywhere. But when they fly on the air currents, floating above the breakers so effortlessly, they are amazingly beautiful. I remember once seeing a seagull flying through clouds and a beam of sunlight struck the bird, turning it to a luminescent white, more beautiful than any dove I have ever seen. It is amazing how beauty and ugliness can often inhabit the same creatures. We just need to remember that and continue to look for the beauty. It is there if we take the time to find it.
Speaking of beauty, the wild roses are blooming, and there is a beach lupine here that is very small and delicate. We took the road back from the beach and stopped by a nursery/greenhouse along the way. The flowers here are such bright, vibrant colors. It’s like the gray colors of the sky and so many of the houses here make the colors of the flowers “pop.” I wish I could figure out a way to have flowers and maybe even a few vegetables. I will miss having fresh, homegrown tomatoes this summer. That is a definite downside of being a gypsy. No gardens to tend. I will have to depend on finding fresh fruits and vegetables along the way. And just admire the wildflowers as I find them. Or paint my own.
TravelinLady
Curiosities
June 12, Long Beach, Wash. -- This morning, after a walk on the beach with Charlie, I finally got my bike down off the bike rack. The rear tire was so flat it was hard to get the pump to attach but I finally got it done. I rode into town, taking my laptop in a backpack. I stopped at a coffee place to see if they knew where WiFi was available. She said the bookstore a block down and a block over should have it. But she added that people in the area have WiFi but don’t always know how to protect it so she suggested I just try to hookup. I ordered a mocha and sat out in the sun and Voila! Although it was hard to see the screen on my MacBook, I was able to check email. Unfortunately, after about 10 minutes I lost the connection.
I was going to look for the bookstore but ended up instead finding the Discovery Trail bike path and rode that back north about half-way to the RV park. I think next time I will just save my blog entries to a flash drive and see if I can just download from that if I can find a place to access the internet. I liked the Discovery Trail and will try to ride it at least once more, and this time go as far south as it goes. I enjoy riding my bike on trails that are separate from the roads and quiet. This one goes along the dunes with a number of places where you can see the ocean. It was a lovely ride. And no big hills!!
Long Beach is interesting -- seems pretty laid-back. Not a lot of tourist stuff, except there is a kind of a carnival atmosphere right in town, but nothing like Seaside. Although Seaside doesn’t have anything as disgusting as “Marsh’s Free Museum” and its Jake the Alligator Man. I didn’t even like riding my bike past it, but I’m sure I remember going there as a child looking at all kinds of weird stuff. I don’t remember Jake, however; I don’t think he was part of the museum back then. Long Beach also has a boardwalk -- a real wooden walkway along the dunes. It parallels the bike path for a ways.
I am thinking it would be a good day to either (a) work on my filing or (b) get out the watercolors and start doing some painting. Maybe I should do some filing for awhile to feel like I’ve accomplished something and then spend some time painting. I know once I get the paints out I won’t want to stop. But first I should take Charlie for another walk.
TravelinLady
I was going to look for the bookstore but ended up instead finding the Discovery Trail bike path and rode that back north about half-way to the RV park. I think next time I will just save my blog entries to a flash drive and see if I can just download from that if I can find a place to access the internet. I liked the Discovery Trail and will try to ride it at least once more, and this time go as far south as it goes. I enjoy riding my bike on trails that are separate from the roads and quiet. This one goes along the dunes with a number of places where you can see the ocean. It was a lovely ride. And no big hills!!
Long Beach is interesting -- seems pretty laid-back. Not a lot of tourist stuff, except there is a kind of a carnival atmosphere right in town, but nothing like Seaside. Although Seaside doesn’t have anything as disgusting as “Marsh’s Free Museum” and its Jake the Alligator Man. I didn’t even like riding my bike past it, but I’m sure I remember going there as a child looking at all kinds of weird stuff. I don’t remember Jake, however; I don’t think he was part of the museum back then. Long Beach also has a boardwalk -- a real wooden walkway along the dunes. It parallels the bike path for a ways.
I am thinking it would be a good day to either (a) work on my filing or (b) get out the watercolors and start doing some painting. Maybe I should do some filing for awhile to feel like I’ve accomplished something and then spend some time painting. I know once I get the paints out I won’t want to stop. But first I should take Charlie for another walk.
TravelinLady
Beaches and More Beaches
June 11, Long Beach, WA -- Oops, had my first major breakage today when I pulled into the spot at this RV park. The spots are set at 90 degree angles off the roadway and the electric, sewer and water connections are all at the very back and edge of the sites, leaving very little room to maneuver a big 36-foot rig in, especially with a picnic table on the other side of the site preventing you from turning very wide. I was carefully watching in the driver side mirror and just barely missed the electrical connection -- they are usually on metal posts that stick up maybe three feet. But just as I eased past it, my driver side back wheel rolled down into a dip and I somehow managed to clip the water pipe with the undercarriage of the Mo. Luckily the management team was still on duty and the husband was able to patch it back together, but not before putting half the campers out of water for awhile. He wasn’t really happy with me and I’m sure the other campers weren’t either. It WAS about dinnertime. Hey, we knew it had to happen eventually. But really I think this could be attributed more to poor layout of the RV park. It is in a nice location, just a long walk over sand dune to the beach, but there is no WiFi and my cell is on Extended coverage. Tomorrow I will ride my bike into town -- about four miles -- and explore a bit and see if I can find a place to get internet access.
I offered Sam, the maintenance guy, and his wife Kathleen who runs the office a glass of good old Jamieson’s 12 year old Irish whiskey to make up for the inconvenience of breaking their water pipe but they didn’t take me up on it.
Tonight Charlie and I walked down onto the beach to watch the sun set. It was so gorgeous. There is still a peach-colored afterglow with deep violet clouds. But I can never watch the sun set on the beach without thinking of John. Too many sweet memories of watching the sun set with him. While we had many ups and downs in our marriage, we always managed to find time for a little romance, and watching the sun sink into the Pacific with John behind me, his arms wrapped around me and protecting me from the cold wind is one of my warm and fuzzy memories. I also always miss my mom when I’m on the beach. She loved it so -- I always think of her.
This area -- the Long Beach Peninsula of SW Washington -- has many childhood memories. My family only took three or four vacations that I can remember, but they always started right in this area. My dad’s uncle lived in South Bend, in a house on Willapa Bay. In fact, I think my grandmother was raised in Raymond and she had several brothers and sisters in this area. In addition to family vacations, she took me a couple of times to visit her extended family here. I remember early foggy mornings getting out to dig razor clams. Those slippery little devils were very challenging for a little kid like I was, and we always got soaking wet and incredibly sandy. But then my Uncle Duane would make the absolute most delicious clam chowder I have ever eaten. I never did get a recipe. But it was outstanding!
Charlie and I also stopped at Arcada Beach on the way up here. He went out into the surf a bit too far and as the waves came in he had to hustle to not get in over his head. I had to hustle a little, too, to keep from getting my shoes wet. I was able to find two complete sand dollars amid many broken shells. As we left the beach I gave them to a couple of very small children there with their parents. The fun is in finding them whole, not in keeping them. And it’s fun to give them away to children.
Charlie is a very fun dog sometimes, and funny, as well. Another new trick he learned -- although I don’t think he does it intentionally -- is leaning against my seat while I’m driving and pushing the seat adjustment buttons with his body. The first time it happened I felt the seat moving up and back and it scared me just a bit, till I figured out it was Charlie.
I have a new music selection in the CD player. It includes some great blues, including a couple of Ray Charles cds, a Tricia Yearwood, a Mary Chapin Carpenter, the sound track from The Commitments, Bryan Adams, Sting and some other great stuff. I was really singing along at the top of my lungs today as I drove north from Neskowin. It’s so interesting to really listen to the words and think about them. So many are about love lost, people in love left holding a broken heart while the object of their love just goes on, seemingly oblivious to the hurt they have left behind. But what do you do if someone loves you more than you love them, or conversely, if you love someone who doesn’t love you back? Love isn’t fair. I wonder how often it really happens that a couple meet and both fall in love with the other. I wonder if some people don’t just accept being loved as enough, without needing to be in love with their lover. From my experiences talking with people, especially women, it seems that is frequently the case: well, I don’t love him, but I like him and we get along well and we have lots in common and . . . . fill in the blanks. Anyway it sometimes seems challenging enough just to find a decent single guy to hang out with, let alone finding one I could fall in love with and who would also fall in love with me. It’s a wonder people get married and no wonder at all that so few marriages last.
I got a call from the auto broker whose car I looked at last Thursday. I told him I’d found something that would work better for me, but he said he is interested in buying my RAV4 if I still need to sell it. I do. I was thinking of just keeping it and letting Karl and Dee use it, but I really need the money to buy the other car and replace my tires and make a few repairs on the Mo. And John and I lived with one vehicle for a lot of years when the kids were young and we managed to make it work. Karl and Dee will, too. So I’ve asked Karl to see if he can sell it for me on Craig’s List and I’ll give him a percentage. I’d rather give it to him than someone I don’t know.
Well here’s hoping I can find a WiFi cafe or something tomorrow or I’ll have to post these next week. Or whenever I have access to the internet again.
TravelinLady
I offered Sam, the maintenance guy, and his wife Kathleen who runs the office a glass of good old Jamieson’s 12 year old Irish whiskey to make up for the inconvenience of breaking their water pipe but they didn’t take me up on it.
Tonight Charlie and I walked down onto the beach to watch the sun set. It was so gorgeous. There is still a peach-colored afterglow with deep violet clouds. But I can never watch the sun set on the beach without thinking of John. Too many sweet memories of watching the sun set with him. While we had many ups and downs in our marriage, we always managed to find time for a little romance, and watching the sun sink into the Pacific with John behind me, his arms wrapped around me and protecting me from the cold wind is one of my warm and fuzzy memories. I also always miss my mom when I’m on the beach. She loved it so -- I always think of her.
This area -- the Long Beach Peninsula of SW Washington -- has many childhood memories. My family only took three or four vacations that I can remember, but they always started right in this area. My dad’s uncle lived in South Bend, in a house on Willapa Bay. In fact, I think my grandmother was raised in Raymond and she had several brothers and sisters in this area. In addition to family vacations, she took me a couple of times to visit her extended family here. I remember early foggy mornings getting out to dig razor clams. Those slippery little devils were very challenging for a little kid like I was, and we always got soaking wet and incredibly sandy. But then my Uncle Duane would make the absolute most delicious clam chowder I have ever eaten. I never did get a recipe. But it was outstanding!
Charlie and I also stopped at Arcada Beach on the way up here. He went out into the surf a bit too far and as the waves came in he had to hustle to not get in over his head. I had to hustle a little, too, to keep from getting my shoes wet. I was able to find two complete sand dollars amid many broken shells. As we left the beach I gave them to a couple of very small children there with their parents. The fun is in finding them whole, not in keeping them. And it’s fun to give them away to children.
Charlie is a very fun dog sometimes, and funny, as well. Another new trick he learned -- although I don’t think he does it intentionally -- is leaning against my seat while I’m driving and pushing the seat adjustment buttons with his body. The first time it happened I felt the seat moving up and back and it scared me just a bit, till I figured out it was Charlie.
I have a new music selection in the CD player. It includes some great blues, including a couple of Ray Charles cds, a Tricia Yearwood, a Mary Chapin Carpenter, the sound track from The Commitments, Bryan Adams, Sting and some other great stuff. I was really singing along at the top of my lungs today as I drove north from Neskowin. It’s so interesting to really listen to the words and think about them. So many are about love lost, people in love left holding a broken heart while the object of their love just goes on, seemingly oblivious to the hurt they have left behind. But what do you do if someone loves you more than you love them, or conversely, if you love someone who doesn’t love you back? Love isn’t fair. I wonder how often it really happens that a couple meet and both fall in love with the other. I wonder if some people don’t just accept being loved as enough, without needing to be in love with their lover. From my experiences talking with people, especially women, it seems that is frequently the case: well, I don’t love him, but I like him and we get along well and we have lots in common and . . . . fill in the blanks. Anyway it sometimes seems challenging enough just to find a decent single guy to hang out with, let alone finding one I could fall in love with and who would also fall in love with me. It’s a wonder people get married and no wonder at all that so few marriages last.
I got a call from the auto broker whose car I looked at last Thursday. I told him I’d found something that would work better for me, but he said he is interested in buying my RAV4 if I still need to sell it. I do. I was thinking of just keeping it and letting Karl and Dee use it, but I really need the money to buy the other car and replace my tires and make a few repairs on the Mo. And John and I lived with one vehicle for a lot of years when the kids were young and we managed to make it work. Karl and Dee will, too. So I’ve asked Karl to see if he can sell it for me on Craig’s List and I’ll give him a percentage. I’d rather give it to him than someone I don’t know.
Well here’s hoping I can find a WiFi cafe or something tomorrow or I’ll have to post these next week. Or whenever I have access to the internet again.
TravelinLady
Monday, June 11, 2007
Next Destination
June 11, Neskowin, ORE -- this afternoon I pull up stakes and head north to Long Beach. This is a member campground so it will only cost me $1 a night. Unfortunately it does not have WiFi. Four nights spent in Neskowin, then I am slated for six nights at Long Beach, and then back to Pacific City for three nights (free!) at Thousand Trails. Someone told me Thousand Trails has a singles group. That might be interesting. Find some other single ladies to travel with, maybe. Ha! You thought I would be looking for a single RV guy, right? C'mon, I want someone under 85!! Kidding. Anyway, the bottom line is I will be much less mobile the next couple weeks. Then back to Portland for a few days for a wedding and to sing at Mass, my monthly appearance. From there -- I have no clue a this point. I need to be up in Yakima by the 30th for a family gathering of John's family. The house is supposed to close on the 29th (I hope).
This need for WiFi access is important. Yesterday I spoke with someone at the park who sells systems that would probably do exactly what I need. So, the dinghy situation has been taken care of (as soon as I can find the money!!) and then I can try to get set up for internet access. And hopefully get new tires for the rig. Anybody want to buy a timeshare in Cabo?
So I already mentioned the guy who sells internet dish systems who was camped here. But I didn't mention talking to Marliss, a woman who works for the Oregon State Dept. of Housing and Community Development. I had met with her a couple years ago in my role as housing staffer for the Senator to talk about issues ODHCD had with HUD. She remembered me as soon as I told her I had worked for the Senator. She and her husband were also camping here this weekend. Just a reminder to me to always be nice to people because you never know when you might see them again. Of course, as you all know, I'm always nice to people anyway.
So once again things seem to be falling into place. Now if I had only saved some of the money I had instead of spending it foolishly on things like trips to Europe, Hawaii, Cabo, a hottub, etc. Oh well, we only live once and we don't know for how long. As my mother, who died at 69 of breast cancer, used to tell me: Don't postpone joy. It will work out. And I've made it this far without a satellite dish so it can wait a bit longer, if necessary.
Well, time to go take Charlie for a walk. As I suspect is typical, now that it's Monday, the sky is mostly blue and the sun is out again. Now that I'm retired I get to stay and see how fickle the weather really is!
TravelinLady
This need for WiFi access is important. Yesterday I spoke with someone at the park who sells systems that would probably do exactly what I need. So, the dinghy situation has been taken care of (as soon as I can find the money!!) and then I can try to get set up for internet access. And hopefully get new tires for the rig. Anybody want to buy a timeshare in Cabo?
So I already mentioned the guy who sells internet dish systems who was camped here. But I didn't mention talking to Marliss, a woman who works for the Oregon State Dept. of Housing and Community Development. I had met with her a couple years ago in my role as housing staffer for the Senator to talk about issues ODHCD had with HUD. She remembered me as soon as I told her I had worked for the Senator. She and her husband were also camping here this weekend. Just a reminder to me to always be nice to people because you never know when you might see them again. Of course, as you all know, I'm always nice to people anyway.
So once again things seem to be falling into place. Now if I had only saved some of the money I had instead of spending it foolishly on things like trips to Europe, Hawaii, Cabo, a hottub, etc. Oh well, we only live once and we don't know for how long. As my mother, who died at 69 of breast cancer, used to tell me: Don't postpone joy. It will work out. And I've made it this far without a satellite dish so it can wait a bit longer, if necessary.
Well, time to go take Charlie for a walk. As I suspect is typical, now that it's Monday, the sky is mostly blue and the sun is out again. Now that I'm retired I get to stay and see how fickle the weather really is!
TravelinLady
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Well La-Tea-Dah
June 9, Tillamook, ORE -- Today, after a pancake breakfast in the clubhouse I rented a car in Lincoln City and drove to Tillamook to meet Jan and her Ya-yas for tea at the La-Tea-Dah tea room. We all wore funny hats -- some quite stylish -- and ordered high tea.
It was a day of “small world” encounters. The couple I am buying my dinghy from were planning to go into Lincoln City so I went with them and test-drove the car there and picked up an Explorer from a car rental company owned by a guy whose brothers and nieces and nephews go to church with me. The lady who rented me the car was quite an eyefull. She was a fairly elderly woman. She had stark black hair, very, very big and high and long. She had long blood-red fingernails. She had heavy makeup, wore bright colors and flashy jewelry with a ring on every single finger, including thumbs. Really, I checked!! I asked her -- cheeky whippersnapper that I am -- if she also had bells on her toes. I also wanted to ask her if she was from Texas, but refrained.
So then I drove to Tillamook, in the rain, since my beautiful weather from yesterday had gone somewhere else. In fact, it rained almost non-stop today. If I thought YESTERDAY was a soft day, what would today be? The trees were all enshrouded in mist and fog, making them even more whispy and ethereal than they looked yesterday. I met my lovely friends in the tea room and we enjoyed much laughter and catching up. I think there were 11 of us there. I haven’t seen many of them for quite a long time and we have been friends since many of our children, who are all 23 or 24 or older, were in grade school together. I think a few of them also keep track of me on this blog, so hello to all you Ya-yas out there!!
This evening I went over and visited with the couple from Washougal whose car I am buying to seal the deal. When we were talking earlier today on the trip into Lincoln City, Bev said they almost didn’t bring their tow car/dinghy. She said they had just put the signs in it yesterday and were just here for a couple days to attend a sales presentation for the rv park. I assured her that I knew why they had brought it. It has become a fairly common occurrence in my life recently that when I need something, it becomes available. That, more than anything else, convinces me that -- at least for now -- I am doing what I should be doing.
So over a glass of merlo we chatted. Gary had mentioned earlier that he grew up in Yakima too. So we talked about the high schools we had attended. Turns out he went to my high school, Central Catholic, and was in the first class to graduate from there, in 1960? I graduated in 68 -- the last class to graduate from there as it became Carroll HS after combining with the other two Catholic HSs in Yakima. I asked him if he knew any of the Huck boys, my late husband’s mother’s brothers who had gone to Central. He said he was good friends with John’s Uncle Tom in high school. Waayyyy too small a world! So I think we established a good level of trust and I will get the car in a couple of weeks -- assuming I can scrape together the rest of the money I need. Right now I think I’m about $2,000 short. But if my house sells, it will work out just fine.
We had a lovely visit and they seem like very nice people. I’ve met a lot of nice people so far. Based on their experience -- and I’ve heard this from others -- RVers are very helpful, good people, for the most part.
One good thing about the rain today is it kept the bunnies a little more under wraps. Yesterday they seemed to delight in sitting just in view of Charlie and flicking their little tails at him, then hopping just out of reach. Yesterday one had the audacity to actually lay down under the Mo and Charlie had to be on a leash and couldn’t get to it. It’s easy to see why Hugh Hefner decided his “girls’ should be bunnies. The office manager explained to me that someone left a couple rabbits here once and, as rabbits do, they multiplied. They are cute, though; I have to admit. And apparently quite tame; people feed them carrots by hand.
Tomorrow I will return the rental car. I have another night here and then north to Long Beach for a few days -- maybe as long as a week, I don’t remember. I may see if I can rent a car in Long Beach and drive to Portland Thursday for my meeting Thursday night, stay at the house and then drive back to the beach on Friday morning. That means I might have to “smuggle’ Charlie into the rental car. I hate to do that, but I may not have another alternative. I guess I’ll figure it out when the time comes.
TravlinLady
Friday, June 8, 2007
Friday, June 8, Neskowin, ORE -- Another beautiful day at the Oregon Coast. Something that has occurred to me in the past 24 hours-- after seeing dry, sagebrush/juniper high desert areas, deep canyons and high, sharp mountains -- there is a softness to the Oregon Coast. The hills are covered in various shades of green -- trees and grasses and brush. There are some rocky places, certainly. But even they seem somehow less "sharp" than some of the areas I've seen recently. The flowers are always beautiful here. Maybe it just feels like home. Of course, it is also a beautiful day here with not a cloud in the sky.
This morning Charlie and I walked about 3/4 of a mile into town (what there is of it, which isn't much) and down to the beach. Talked briefly to a couple who live here in Neskowin whose two dogs made fast friends with Charlie. There's that "dog as ambassador" thing again. They pointed out two Bald Eagles sitting in trees on Proposal Rock. The sand was soft and warm, the water in the creek (Hawk Creek?) was icy cold. I sat on the sand for awhile and just thought -- there I go again -- until Charlie got bored and started digging in the sand, showering me with it, then grabbed his leash and instigated a game of tug-a-war. I let him win this time.
One of the strains of thought was about what I think we are all seeking. I think we all want love, peace and beauty in our lives. Period. But we so often believe that the ways to get love, peace and beauty are through our own efforts and by becoming wealthy, or powerful or attractive or whatever we think will work to get us what we want. Today, walking into town, I felt at peace and amid beauty and I felt loved. How do I take those feelings of being loved by the greatest Lover and make them be enough?
I thought about the whole thing of being alone and God in all of that. Now that I am alone on the road again it is easier for me to focus on my original intent of prayer and reflection. While I have no doubts that I am loved deeply by God and I can often sense God's presence and graces in my life (and graces are found in difficult, trying times as well as beautiful times), it is sometimes difficult to be satisfied with the "distance" in that relationship. There is a longing for closeness and for me closeness includes physical contact. I have at times been able to imagine, as I am lying in bed or even at busier times, that God is there holding me. And there is some level of comfort in that.
I used to have this mind thing I did whenever John or the kids were leaving on a trip or something. I would imagine them wrapped securely in God's hands -- kind of like those "Allstate" hands. Only in my mind God would cradle them carefully and lovingly and keep them safe, like a child might cradle a butterfly or thistledown or some other delicate, beautiful treasure. That's how I imagined them being protected. I don't recall if I did that when John flew to Yakima in October, 2003. It probably never occurred to me that his life might be in danger. We can worry about things all we want, but when tragedy comes it will probably be the last thing we might have ever imagined. So our lives truly are in God's hands.
I was also thinking about water. Water is an amazing gift, and again, one of those gifts we don't really appreciate fully unless we don't have it. As I was looking at the waves I reflected on their beauty and their ceaseless motion. It's fascinating to think about generating electricity with waves. And water is soft as the waves curl around our toes. It is beautiful and relaxing and soothing as it flows over rocks in a mountain stream or in the waterfall John and I built in our back yard. And yet water is one of the most powerful forces on earth, I think. And can be one of the most savage and dangerous things we encounter. Life is full of such ironies and thinking about them can sometimes help put our lives in perspective.
I also looked at all the crumpled shells on the beach. Little pieces of sand dollars, clam shells, some so small there's no way to know what they came from. They have been battered by the ocean, smashed into the rocks. And yet there is still beauty in them. I picked up a small piece that had lines of pearlesence in it. That made me think about the trials and struggles we all go through and how sometimes, even though it feels as though we have been broken beyond repair and that there is no value or beauty left in us, there are still parts of us that are admirable and beautiful and lovable. I'm not sure that's how my thoughts went this morning -- it's been several hours and my brain is being distracted by a loud radio talk program and people in the clubhouse talking so it's hard to think. Sigh!
Today just as I returned to the clubhouse (which is a lovely log building!!) to check e-mail and write more of this blog post, a rig was waiting to check in. They had a tow car (dinghy) they were pulling with a "for sale" sign on it. I talked to the wife briefly -- they had just put the sign on it. They will sell it completely set up. I think this sounds like a good deal to me. Now I just need to figure out how to pay for it. Then the kids could keep my RAV4 and I would still have it available in Portland when I might need it.
I have had several conversations with full-time RVers or people close to full time in the past couple of days. I am learning alot. What I heard is true -- people who live this lifestyle are very generous with their information and advice and help. You just have to hang out long enough and be "out there" to connect with the people.
Well, I'm ready to head back to the Mo and start some dinner.
TravelinLady
This morning Charlie and I walked about 3/4 of a mile into town (what there is of it, which isn't much) and down to the beach. Talked briefly to a couple who live here in Neskowin whose two dogs made fast friends with Charlie. There's that "dog as ambassador" thing again. They pointed out two Bald Eagles sitting in trees on Proposal Rock. The sand was soft and warm, the water in the creek (Hawk Creek?) was icy cold. I sat on the sand for awhile and just thought -- there I go again -- until Charlie got bored and started digging in the sand, showering me with it, then grabbed his leash and instigated a game of tug-a-war. I let him win this time.
One of the strains of thought was about what I think we are all seeking. I think we all want love, peace and beauty in our lives. Period. But we so often believe that the ways to get love, peace and beauty are through our own efforts and by becoming wealthy, or powerful or attractive or whatever we think will work to get us what we want. Today, walking into town, I felt at peace and amid beauty and I felt loved. How do I take those feelings of being loved by the greatest Lover and make them be enough?
I thought about the whole thing of being alone and God in all of that. Now that I am alone on the road again it is easier for me to focus on my original intent of prayer and reflection. While I have no doubts that I am loved deeply by God and I can often sense God's presence and graces in my life (and graces are found in difficult, trying times as well as beautiful times), it is sometimes difficult to be satisfied with the "distance" in that relationship. There is a longing for closeness and for me closeness includes physical contact. I have at times been able to imagine, as I am lying in bed or even at busier times, that God is there holding me. And there is some level of comfort in that.
I used to have this mind thing I did whenever John or the kids were leaving on a trip or something. I would imagine them wrapped securely in God's hands -- kind of like those "Allstate" hands. Only in my mind God would cradle them carefully and lovingly and keep them safe, like a child might cradle a butterfly or thistledown or some other delicate, beautiful treasure. That's how I imagined them being protected. I don't recall if I did that when John flew to Yakima in October, 2003. It probably never occurred to me that his life might be in danger. We can worry about things all we want, but when tragedy comes it will probably be the last thing we might have ever imagined. So our lives truly are in God's hands.
I was also thinking about water. Water is an amazing gift, and again, one of those gifts we don't really appreciate fully unless we don't have it. As I was looking at the waves I reflected on their beauty and their ceaseless motion. It's fascinating to think about generating electricity with waves. And water is soft as the waves curl around our toes. It is beautiful and relaxing and soothing as it flows over rocks in a mountain stream or in the waterfall John and I built in our back yard. And yet water is one of the most powerful forces on earth, I think. And can be one of the most savage and dangerous things we encounter. Life is full of such ironies and thinking about them can sometimes help put our lives in perspective.
I also looked at all the crumpled shells on the beach. Little pieces of sand dollars, clam shells, some so small there's no way to know what they came from. They have been battered by the ocean, smashed into the rocks. And yet there is still beauty in them. I picked up a small piece that had lines of pearlesence in it. That made me think about the trials and struggles we all go through and how sometimes, even though it feels as though we have been broken beyond repair and that there is no value or beauty left in us, there are still parts of us that are admirable and beautiful and lovable. I'm not sure that's how my thoughts went this morning -- it's been several hours and my brain is being distracted by a loud radio talk program and people in the clubhouse talking so it's hard to think. Sigh!
Today just as I returned to the clubhouse (which is a lovely log building!!) to check e-mail and write more of this blog post, a rig was waiting to check in. They had a tow car (dinghy) they were pulling with a "for sale" sign on it. I talked to the wife briefly -- they had just put the sign on it. They will sell it completely set up. I think this sounds like a good deal to me. Now I just need to figure out how to pay for it. Then the kids could keep my RAV4 and I would still have it available in Portland when I might need it.
I have had several conversations with full-time RVers or people close to full time in the past couple of days. I am learning alot. What I heard is true -- people who live this lifestyle are very generous with their information and advice and help. You just have to hang out long enough and be "out there" to connect with the people.
Well, I'm ready to head back to the Mo and start some dinner.
TravelinLady
Things Look Different From Here
Thursday, June 7, Neskowin, ORE -- I know I’ve driven this route between Astoria and Lincoln City before, parts of it numerous times. But seen from the high, wide windshield of my Mo, it looked very different today. It is kind of funny, though, that after being gone from Oregon more than 2 weeks, when I arrived at the coast this afternoon it was sunny and beautiful. It’s one of the rare sunny days I’ve seen in the last two weeks.
Since I wasn’t able to get a rental car yesterday, I ended up parking in front of my son’s house in Vancouver and getting my RAV4 to run errands this morning. But I took longer leaving because I ran into a couple from Calif. who are on their way back there after being gone for several months. They’re fairly new at this life, also, but learning, as am I. Funny thing, they were at the same campground Marian and I were at in Idaho and drove straight through from Boise the day after we drove from Pendleton. Sounds like the wind was just as bad in the Gorge. There was another couple there, as well, who were ALSO at that same RV park in Idaho (Camp Running Bear outside of Mountainhome). Funny small world. Another person stopped to tell me while I was unhooking the Mo that I should get new tires. RV tires would be a much better ride and since my tires are 5 years old, they should be replaced. My brother-in-law, Marty, had suggested that to me, as well. I guess if I do the car exchange I would probably have the cash to replace the tires.
Speaking of, I had a nice conversation with my sister-in-law, Marty’s wife, Kerry, this afternoon driving down 101. She and Marty and Marty’s son Brett had all read my blog and were worried about me. Wow! Amazing! Three people read my blog! Thanks, Marty, Kerry and Brett. Nice to know you’re keeping an eye on me! I assured Kerry that I was fine, had just had several rough days in a row.
Tonight -- and until Monday morning -- I am camped at a park just a bit south of Neskowin. Very pretty area. I got here in time to hookup and fix a late dinner. Because I got started so late from Vancouver, I ended up going up to Longview and cutting over to 30 through Astoria. Just didn’t want to hassle with the I-5 and/or 26 traffic. Then I stopped in Rockaway to look at and drive the CRV I’m thinking about. It’s probably a good thing for me to do, especially since it’s already got a tow bar and has lots of rock pings in the hood and window and a rather large dent in the back, so I wouldn’t have to worry about dinging it myself. The broker who has it said the 98 CRVs still have the Accord engines so are very reliable. However, this has over 200,000 miles on it, though the previous owner said that was 2/3rds towing mileage. Still, Karl says that can cause some stress on the transmission, differential and axle. I’ll have to try to figure it out.
So, this park has all these furry little critters everywhere. And to Charlie’s consternation, they are very brazen and hop around the Mo. They flash their little white tails at him as they hop, as if to thumb their noses at him. He is just fascinated and obsessed with them. So I had to close the drapes on the front windshield to calm him down. Out of sight, out of mind. That’s one of the nice things about dogs.
Again today I’ve had several people comment on me driving that “great big rig.” I told one lady, “we do what we have to do.”
Had a great conversation with my friend Shellie last night. She is so hilarious! Even though she is almost 20 years younger than me, she has her own special wisdom and she has been one of those unexpected gifts in my life the last couple years. She is one of my friends who helps me appreciate who I am.
Driving gives me lots of time to think. One of the things I thought about today was people. And life. And grief. I’m pretty convinced none of us get through life without some pain or struggle. I was thinking specifically of another friend -- kind of an accidental friend -- that I have come to know in the last six months. She also is reading my blog. Hi, Julie! She and her husband as idealistic young people in the 70s committed a crime to try to secure independence for her husband’s native country of Croatia. She did prison time and he remains in prison. It has to be an incredibly difficult and heavy and painful cross for her to bear. They have spent most of their married life apart. They have not been able to have children. She doesn’t know when he will ever be released. Yet she continues to work on his case, continues to have faith that someday they will be able to be together again and, most amazing, she continues to be married and faithful to him; she has not written him off.
I know other people who seem to have tragedy follow them around like Charlie follows a child with a cookie. And sometimes I wonder if their lives are really any more difficult or cursed than anyone else’s, or if they just choose to focus on those tragedies and forget to think about their blessings. I don’t know. I’m sure tragedy, like wealth, or brains, or beauty, does not get evenly distributed.
I was also thinking about men. I’m certainly no expert, having been married only once to the same man for 33 years and having really had only one substantial relationship since then. BUT, I think many men -- at least from my generation -- seem to prefer women who are needy, helpless, need rescuing. Little princesses. I think strong women intimidate them. They have a need to be seen as strong heroes themselves and if a woman doesn’t need them, they don’t think she can love them. Maybe we’re all overly influenced by fairytales. In retrospect, I think one of the things John actually appreciated about me was my strength, my ability to be accomplished in so many areas. (Although sometimes it seemed like he leaned on me too much.) And we certainly had our complementary abilities. I think that’s what a partnership is: two people whose strengths complete those of the other partner. Maybe my marriage helped me become the woman I am: not afraid to be strong, not afraid to be self-reliant. Or maybe it forced me to become strong and capable. However, I was always a Tomboy and never believed there was anything a boy could do that I couldn’t do at least as well. And I still believe that to a great extent. So maybe most men can’t deal with that. Too bad. If that’s the case, I will certainly remain single, because I refuse to play games, I refuse to be different than who I am. Integrity and honesty are too important to me for me to be less than authentic.
So ends another day in my life. Charlie is curled up next to me sleeping. I am listening to Enya on my stereo. Settled in for a few days (rabbits permitting) and may be able to go visit with some of my long-time friends who are gathering in Oceanside this weekend. Karl and Dee and the kids may come over Saturday and spend a day here while I go see my friends in Oceanside. We’ll see. Every day is a mystery at this point. I never know for sure where I’ll be, who I’ll meet, or what unexpected blessings I will find.
peace
TravelinLady
Since I wasn’t able to get a rental car yesterday, I ended up parking in front of my son’s house in Vancouver and getting my RAV4 to run errands this morning. But I took longer leaving because I ran into a couple from Calif. who are on their way back there after being gone for several months. They’re fairly new at this life, also, but learning, as am I. Funny thing, they were at the same campground Marian and I were at in Idaho and drove straight through from Boise the day after we drove from Pendleton. Sounds like the wind was just as bad in the Gorge. There was another couple there, as well, who were ALSO at that same RV park in Idaho (Camp Running Bear outside of Mountainhome). Funny small world. Another person stopped to tell me while I was unhooking the Mo that I should get new tires. RV tires would be a much better ride and since my tires are 5 years old, they should be replaced. My brother-in-law, Marty, had suggested that to me, as well. I guess if I do the car exchange I would probably have the cash to replace the tires.
Speaking of, I had a nice conversation with my sister-in-law, Marty’s wife, Kerry, this afternoon driving down 101. She and Marty and Marty’s son Brett had all read my blog and were worried about me. Wow! Amazing! Three people read my blog! Thanks, Marty, Kerry and Brett. Nice to know you’re keeping an eye on me! I assured Kerry that I was fine, had just had several rough days in a row.
Tonight -- and until Monday morning -- I am camped at a park just a bit south of Neskowin. Very pretty area. I got here in time to hookup and fix a late dinner. Because I got started so late from Vancouver, I ended up going up to Longview and cutting over to 30 through Astoria. Just didn’t want to hassle with the I-5 and/or 26 traffic. Then I stopped in Rockaway to look at and drive the CRV I’m thinking about. It’s probably a good thing for me to do, especially since it’s already got a tow bar and has lots of rock pings in the hood and window and a rather large dent in the back, so I wouldn’t have to worry about dinging it myself. The broker who has it said the 98 CRVs still have the Accord engines so are very reliable. However, this has over 200,000 miles on it, though the previous owner said that was 2/3rds towing mileage. Still, Karl says that can cause some stress on the transmission, differential and axle. I’ll have to try to figure it out.
So, this park has all these furry little critters everywhere. And to Charlie’s consternation, they are very brazen and hop around the Mo. They flash their little white tails at him as they hop, as if to thumb their noses at him. He is just fascinated and obsessed with them. So I had to close the drapes on the front windshield to calm him down. Out of sight, out of mind. That’s one of the nice things about dogs.
Again today I’ve had several people comment on me driving that “great big rig.” I told one lady, “we do what we have to do.”
Had a great conversation with my friend Shellie last night. She is so hilarious! Even though she is almost 20 years younger than me, she has her own special wisdom and she has been one of those unexpected gifts in my life the last couple years. She is one of my friends who helps me appreciate who I am.
Driving gives me lots of time to think. One of the things I thought about today was people. And life. And grief. I’m pretty convinced none of us get through life without some pain or struggle. I was thinking specifically of another friend -- kind of an accidental friend -- that I have come to know in the last six months. She also is reading my blog. Hi, Julie! She and her husband as idealistic young people in the 70s committed a crime to try to secure independence for her husband’s native country of Croatia. She did prison time and he remains in prison. It has to be an incredibly difficult and heavy and painful cross for her to bear. They have spent most of their married life apart. They have not been able to have children. She doesn’t know when he will ever be released. Yet she continues to work on his case, continues to have faith that someday they will be able to be together again and, most amazing, she continues to be married and faithful to him; she has not written him off.
I know other people who seem to have tragedy follow them around like Charlie follows a child with a cookie. And sometimes I wonder if their lives are really any more difficult or cursed than anyone else’s, or if they just choose to focus on those tragedies and forget to think about their blessings. I don’t know. I’m sure tragedy, like wealth, or brains, or beauty, does not get evenly distributed.
I was also thinking about men. I’m certainly no expert, having been married only once to the same man for 33 years and having really had only one substantial relationship since then. BUT, I think many men -- at least from my generation -- seem to prefer women who are needy, helpless, need rescuing. Little princesses. I think strong women intimidate them. They have a need to be seen as strong heroes themselves and if a woman doesn’t need them, they don’t think she can love them. Maybe we’re all overly influenced by fairytales. In retrospect, I think one of the things John actually appreciated about me was my strength, my ability to be accomplished in so many areas. (Although sometimes it seemed like he leaned on me too much.) And we certainly had our complementary abilities. I think that’s what a partnership is: two people whose strengths complete those of the other partner. Maybe my marriage helped me become the woman I am: not afraid to be strong, not afraid to be self-reliant. Or maybe it forced me to become strong and capable. However, I was always a Tomboy and never believed there was anything a boy could do that I couldn’t do at least as well. And I still believe that to a great extent. So maybe most men can’t deal with that. Too bad. If that’s the case, I will certainly remain single, because I refuse to play games, I refuse to be different than who I am. Integrity and honesty are too important to me for me to be less than authentic.
So ends another day in my life. Charlie is curled up next to me sleeping. I am listening to Enya on my stereo. Settled in for a few days (rabbits permitting) and may be able to go visit with some of my long-time friends who are gathering in Oceanside this weekend. Karl and Dee and the kids may come over Saturday and spend a day here while I go see my friends in Oceanside. We’ll see. Every day is a mystery at this point. I never know for sure where I’ll be, who I’ll meet, or what unexpected blessings I will find.
peace
TravelinLady
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
Trapped
Well, that's what it felt like today. The morning started out with me lying in bed thinking about all the things I needed to do, most importantly unplug the toilet drain that had been continuing to plug for the last week or so. Success -- at least for now. I also made an appointment to have a couple little things fixed in July and meet with someone to talk about ongoing maintenance for the Mo. I waited all morning for callbacks for a rental car so I could go run some errands, including delivering my digital camera to the store I bought it from, since I bought an extended warranty package from them. There were no cars available. It's Rose Festival week. So the next best solution is to get my car from my son and daughter-in-law tomorrow morning to run my errands. I'll leave my Mo at their home and get the car, then return the car, get the Mo and head for my next destination, the Oregon Coast. This has been very difficult, not having a car and either having to depend on friends and family or taking the motorhome whereever I need to be -- which is out of the question in big city Portland. Tomorrow on the way to the coast I will stop and look at a car that has been towed before, a 98 Honda CRV. It's got high miles but most are from being towed -- my son will call the broker and ask some important, pertinent questions, the kind that only men or women interested in cars know how to ask. The broker who has it can find a buyer for my RAV4 leaving me about $3,500 cash after I buy his car to get the towing parts and get it all set up. Should be very doable.
However, the good thing in being trapped is that I actually took time to do some things that needed to be done by phone and/or e-mail. I LOVE having both. Amazing how spoiled we get when we have ready access to both a phone and e-mail (not to mention a vehicle) and don't realize it until we don't have it. And knowing that so many people in the world don't have ready access to those things is very sobering.
I am pretty sure my house is sold. Buyer has 10 days for inspection and after that if all goes well -- and I don't know why it wouldn't -- we should close on the 29th of June.
I spent a little time on-line looking at condos today and talked to a realtor friend who is licensed in Vancouver. I asked her to think about duplexes and single family homes with room to park an RV. My son told me they had just gotten a flier for just such an animal so I will check that out.
So some little positive signs in all of this. But still lots of remorse and angst about my life and what I am doing and why. Every time I have a problem and come up with a reasonable solution it affirms that maybe I am doing what I should be right now. And gives me the courage and determination to keep going.
I've been in Portland since Tuesday night. I met my brother-in-law Mike in Biggs and he picked up Marian and her things. The wind in the gorge was horrible the entire way from Pendleton west. It was a headwind so very poor mileage, plus big gusts buffetting the Mo around made it very difficult driving. I was exhausted by the time I arrived in Portland so it has been good to just vegetate a little. And Charlie has (I think) also enjoyed vegetating for a day with no traveling.
I have longer stays planned for the next month-and-a-half, mostly on the Oregon and Washington coasts. That will give me a better idea of what this is about, I think. Time to do things I want/need to do. Read, pray, write, paint. And try to figure things out.
I've had several people recommend I read Blue Highway by William Least Heat Moon. I need to try to find that and read it, I guess. Sounds like he had some similar searching experiences.
A friend asked me to talk about what John and I wanted to do when we talked about doing this. I'm not sure we had a specific goal or mission in mind. Other than an idea to look at retreat centers with the idea of down the road buying a place we could set up as a small retreat center. That and seeing parts of the country together. John was always interested in the Civil War and history and would have wanted to tour battle sites, etc. I just wanted to see what was out there in this beautiful country. So why do it by myself? I don't know. Stubbornnesss? An attitude that I can do it anyway, even though my life partner is no longer part of my life. It's very different than I imagined, especially not having anyone to share it with -- both the beauty and pleasure and the hard parts. (Like unplugging the toilet). I know I need to give it more time. And I should also give myself some kind of "end" date so that I can opt out after a certain amount of time if it just isn't working for me. I'm tentatively thinking next spring if I haven't found I enjoy this lifestyle I should definitely consider something different. I have been assured that if I want to go back to work it shouldn't be a problem; but I'm not sure I totally believe that. I am, after all, a woman well past 50, even if most people say I don't look it. My experience has been that a woman (or man) in their 50s has a difficult time finding rewarding employment. Of course, there's always politics! Right! Not a chance. So sometimes it feels like I have made an irrevocable decision. But there is also a part of me that believes eventually something good will come of this. I know what my hopes are, or at least what I think I hope for at this point. But I've also lived long enough to know that I don't always know what's best for me.
And I did see a rainbow yesterday (big surprise with all the thunderstorms I've seen the last couple of weeks!) so that has always been for me a sign of hope and a sign of God's love. And that is really what I need to focus on for these next few days and weeks and months. That and where I am going to sleep the next night.
TravelinLady
However, the good thing in being trapped is that I actually took time to do some things that needed to be done by phone and/or e-mail. I LOVE having both. Amazing how spoiled we get when we have ready access to both a phone and e-mail (not to mention a vehicle) and don't realize it until we don't have it. And knowing that so many people in the world don't have ready access to those things is very sobering.
I am pretty sure my house is sold. Buyer has 10 days for inspection and after that if all goes well -- and I don't know why it wouldn't -- we should close on the 29th of June.
I spent a little time on-line looking at condos today and talked to a realtor friend who is licensed in Vancouver. I asked her to think about duplexes and single family homes with room to park an RV. My son told me they had just gotten a flier for just such an animal so I will check that out.
So some little positive signs in all of this. But still lots of remorse and angst about my life and what I am doing and why. Every time I have a problem and come up with a reasonable solution it affirms that maybe I am doing what I should be right now. And gives me the courage and determination to keep going.
I've been in Portland since Tuesday night. I met my brother-in-law Mike in Biggs and he picked up Marian and her things. The wind in the gorge was horrible the entire way from Pendleton west. It was a headwind so very poor mileage, plus big gusts buffetting the Mo around made it very difficult driving. I was exhausted by the time I arrived in Portland so it has been good to just vegetate a little. And Charlie has (I think) also enjoyed vegetating for a day with no traveling.
I have longer stays planned for the next month-and-a-half, mostly on the Oregon and Washington coasts. That will give me a better idea of what this is about, I think. Time to do things I want/need to do. Read, pray, write, paint. And try to figure things out.
I've had several people recommend I read Blue Highway by William Least Heat Moon. I need to try to find that and read it, I guess. Sounds like he had some similar searching experiences.
A friend asked me to talk about what John and I wanted to do when we talked about doing this. I'm not sure we had a specific goal or mission in mind. Other than an idea to look at retreat centers with the idea of down the road buying a place we could set up as a small retreat center. That and seeing parts of the country together. John was always interested in the Civil War and history and would have wanted to tour battle sites, etc. I just wanted to see what was out there in this beautiful country. So why do it by myself? I don't know. Stubbornnesss? An attitude that I can do it anyway, even though my life partner is no longer part of my life. It's very different than I imagined, especially not having anyone to share it with -- both the beauty and pleasure and the hard parts. (Like unplugging the toilet). I know I need to give it more time. And I should also give myself some kind of "end" date so that I can opt out after a certain amount of time if it just isn't working for me. I'm tentatively thinking next spring if I haven't found I enjoy this lifestyle I should definitely consider something different. I have been assured that if I want to go back to work it shouldn't be a problem; but I'm not sure I totally believe that. I am, after all, a woman well past 50, even if most people say I don't look it. My experience has been that a woman (or man) in their 50s has a difficult time finding rewarding employment. Of course, there's always politics! Right! Not a chance. So sometimes it feels like I have made an irrevocable decision. But there is also a part of me that believes eventually something good will come of this. I know what my hopes are, or at least what I think I hope for at this point. But I've also lived long enough to know that I don't always know what's best for me.
And I did see a rainbow yesterday (big surprise with all the thunderstorms I've seen the last couple of weeks!) so that has always been for me a sign of hope and a sign of God's love. And that is really what I need to focus on for these next few days and weeks and months. That and where I am going to sleep the next night.
TravelinLady
Monday, June 4, 2007
Reservations
I'm having very many of them this evening. And I don't mean the hotel or even RV park kind. Although I am sitting in the hotel lobby of the Wild Horse Casino outside of Pendleton. We're staying in the rv park here after driving to Walla Walla and spending more than an hour looking for an RV park there. Without luck. The smoke/fire alarm just went off in the casino so all the gamblers are frustrated. And standing around complaining while I am trying to write.
We drove all the way from northeast of Mountain Home, Idaho. Left around 10 a.m.; got here around 5:30 or so. Since I bought the Mo I have put more than 3,000 miles on it. That's probably $900 worth of diesel, give or take. As well as an average of $20 a night at parks. This isn't quite the way I planned this adventure to go. The last two nights were in "member" parks at $8 a night. No internet access at either place. I'm beginning to think that once you've seen Oregon and Washington, the rest of the country looks pretty much like parts of them. The mountains, the lakes, the rolling wheatfields, the scrub sagebrush and flat plains. It all reminds me of something I've seen and known in the Northwest.
I've had lots of reactions and lots of thoughts. But the overriding thoughts I keep having are, what the hell am I doing? What is this all about? That and an ongoing empty feeling that tells me I don't want to be doing this traveling or really anything else by myself. That I am incredibly lonely and wish more than just about anything else that I had a relationship, a partnership that would fill up some of those empty canyons, those deep holes in my life. I mean, a golden retriever can only accomplish so much, even if he is a funny, handsome, loving guy who keeps me warm on some of these incredibly cold nights I've experienced here in mountain country. (And what's with all these thunderstorms? We had them here tonight in Pendleton. In fact, probably half our trip we have run into thunderstorms.)
This is supposed to be a spiritual journey, but all I can do is keep asking God why I am alone. Is there some reason that all the thousands of people I've seen and met on this journey have their partners to travel with, to share their experiences with, to laugh with or argue with, to help back up the rig and hook up the electric, and read the map; and I am essentially alone? Is there a reason the men I have cared about or thought I could care about, have found someone else? Yes, I can do fine on my own. I am competent and smart and capable and I don't need a partner. But damn it, I WANT one. I want someone who will be strong for me, once in awhile. Who will make the decisions, once in a while. Who will fix all the little things that break, once in awhile. Who will just hold me and let me cry on days like this when nothing goes right. I really am growing to hate this singleness I'm stuck with. But I don't know what to do about that. Is there someone out there for me? Only God knows and He's being very tight-lipped about it.
This afternoon I finally got the results of my "estate" sale a couple weeks ago. Wow! The financial sum total of more than 37 years of adulthood: $1,600 more or less. Guess next time I think about spending money on someTHING, I will remind myself that it is only worth the transitory pleasure or enjoyment it gives me. And that is fleeting. But then again, so is money. What is the value of something that buys things that have little or no value? I keep saying relationships are what matter. But when it comes down to that, what relationships do I really have to show for my life? Two wonderful children. A few wonderful friends. Two sisters, three brothers, a dog. And right now the dog is the only one I see on a regular basis.
So tomorrow I will probably return to Portland. But to what? I have a pending offer on my house. And I should probably just accept it. Then what? Then to where? I really just don't know. I don't have a clue. So for everyone who was the littlest bit envious of my retiring and traveling: you have nothing to envy. Right now, after just over a month of being retired, I am thinking I messed up. I may feel differently tomorrow, but right now I am just feeling empty. Bereft. And very, very confused and lost, even though I am finally back in Oregon on famliar turf.
TravelinLady
We drove all the way from northeast of Mountain Home, Idaho. Left around 10 a.m.; got here around 5:30 or so. Since I bought the Mo I have put more than 3,000 miles on it. That's probably $900 worth of diesel, give or take. As well as an average of $20 a night at parks. This isn't quite the way I planned this adventure to go. The last two nights were in "member" parks at $8 a night. No internet access at either place. I'm beginning to think that once you've seen Oregon and Washington, the rest of the country looks pretty much like parts of them. The mountains, the lakes, the rolling wheatfields, the scrub sagebrush and flat plains. It all reminds me of something I've seen and known in the Northwest.
I've had lots of reactions and lots of thoughts. But the overriding thoughts I keep having are, what the hell am I doing? What is this all about? That and an ongoing empty feeling that tells me I don't want to be doing this traveling or really anything else by myself. That I am incredibly lonely and wish more than just about anything else that I had a relationship, a partnership that would fill up some of those empty canyons, those deep holes in my life. I mean, a golden retriever can only accomplish so much, even if he is a funny, handsome, loving guy who keeps me warm on some of these incredibly cold nights I've experienced here in mountain country. (And what's with all these thunderstorms? We had them here tonight in Pendleton. In fact, probably half our trip we have run into thunderstorms.)
This is supposed to be a spiritual journey, but all I can do is keep asking God why I am alone. Is there some reason that all the thousands of people I've seen and met on this journey have their partners to travel with, to share their experiences with, to laugh with or argue with, to help back up the rig and hook up the electric, and read the map; and I am essentially alone? Is there a reason the men I have cared about or thought I could care about, have found someone else? Yes, I can do fine on my own. I am competent and smart and capable and I don't need a partner. But damn it, I WANT one. I want someone who will be strong for me, once in awhile. Who will make the decisions, once in a while. Who will fix all the little things that break, once in awhile. Who will just hold me and let me cry on days like this when nothing goes right. I really am growing to hate this singleness I'm stuck with. But I don't know what to do about that. Is there someone out there for me? Only God knows and He's being very tight-lipped about it.
This afternoon I finally got the results of my "estate" sale a couple weeks ago. Wow! The financial sum total of more than 37 years of adulthood: $1,600 more or less. Guess next time I think about spending money on someTHING, I will remind myself that it is only worth the transitory pleasure or enjoyment it gives me. And that is fleeting. But then again, so is money. What is the value of something that buys things that have little or no value? I keep saying relationships are what matter. But when it comes down to that, what relationships do I really have to show for my life? Two wonderful children. A few wonderful friends. Two sisters, three brothers, a dog. And right now the dog is the only one I see on a regular basis.
So tomorrow I will probably return to Portland. But to what? I have a pending offer on my house. And I should probably just accept it. Then what? Then to where? I really just don't know. I don't have a clue. So for everyone who was the littlest bit envious of my retiring and traveling: you have nothing to envy. Right now, after just over a month of being retired, I am thinking I messed up. I may feel differently tomorrow, but right now I am just feeling empty. Bereft. And very, very confused and lost, even though I am finally back in Oregon on famliar turf.
TravelinLady
Friday, June 1, 2007
More Mountains
We left Great Falls this morning around 10:15 a.m. after some housekeeping. We have reservations tomorrow night at one of my member campgrounds in Wyoming, just south of Jackson ($8 a night) but needed to find a place for tonight. We headed down I-15 south through Helena and Butte. I liked Helena; I could live in a place like that, I think. Butte, of course, has never been a place I would even consider visiting, beyond passing through. If there are Butte fans out there, my apologies but you probably understand.
We drove and drove and drove and found a few mountains and lots of plains. Saw a few antelope, lots of cows, hardly any trees. We crossed the Continental Divide a couple times, the first time at over 6,000 feet, the other at 5,300 or something. Fortunately they were no problem for my Mo, Brendan. :-) But we kept driving and didn’t find a place to spend the night. On into Idaho, almost to Idaho Falls and then west to Rexburg, still nothing. Finally we pulled over and checked one of my books and found several places south and east of Rexburg. We ended up in Victor, Idaho. We’re pretty close to the Idaho/Wyoming border, in the Teton Valley. I’ve never been in this part of Idaho and the Tetons are amazing. High rocky peaks standing out like fists defying travelers to attempt them. I can just imagine what the first settlers thought when they saw them. Lordy, I hope we don’t have to try to cross those!!! I will take pictures tomorrow but with my 35 mm camera so won’t be able to add photos until I get back to Portland and get them developed and put on a disk. Anyway, after probably 8 hours of driving we are settled in for the night.
This RV place is the most space-miserly I’ve seen yet. The sites are very narrow, the Mo barely fits in the site we’re in, both lengthwise and side to side. It’s also the most expensive we’ve stayed in. And that’s with a discount! Go figure. Glad we’re only here for a night. Tomorrow we will spend time in Jackson, and then head south to the next camping spot. Then on to Mountain Home and the Sun Valley area, then Boise and then homeward.
Marian’s son, Mike (John’s youngest brother), will meet us in Meridian, outside of Boise, and pick her up. Then I’ll be on my own again. We will have traveled together about 12 days. I want to go through Walla Walla and see what that area looks like these days; I understand it’s been growing in popularity. I may contact my friend Sharon in Pendleton and try to meet her if she’s in town.
My friend Julie, who grew up in Great Falls, suggested I call another friend of hers who still lives there and try to meet her. I tried calling but didn’t hear back.
I think I have now put more than 2,000 miles on the Mo. It only had 8,000 and some when I bought it; it’s now over 10,000. And I’ve only had it about 3-1/2 weeks. We filled the tank today in Great Falls ($2.89 for diesel) and ran up a $126 charge. Whew! This traveling can get expensive.
Charlie is getting very spoiled. If I won’t pet him while I’m driving, Marian does, so he thinks he should be getting petted 24/7, and he almost is. He doesn’t much like these all day driving marathons (neither do I, for that matter), except he does like the up-close-and-personal time he gets. He will not like it when Marian leaves us and he has no one to pet him as we travel. But we will be on interstate most of the way so I will be able to handle his need for being touched most of that time.
I’ve been listening to Irish music today, including my newest CD of Mary Black from my Irish friend, Katie. I love it. I have two Van Morrison CDs on the machine, too. They remind me of a special friend every time I hear them, especially one particular song. Music has that wonderful quality of bringing back memories and making them seem alive. Even if they are memories that are a little painful. But life doesn’t come without pain, especially if you choose to love. And why wouldn’t you, even knowing the potential cost. I often wish I had someone to love in my life right now, besides Charlie and my family and friends, of course. But being on the road makes that pretty unreasonable.
Still, I know that I have many friends who are thinking about me and praying for me. And I trust that whatever this mission I am on is all about, it will lead me to where I am supposed to be. It might not be where I think I should go, but I am not in charge anyway. The greatest lesson, and the hardest, I have learned so far in my life. All I can do at this point is listen and try to discern where God is leading me. The good thing is, that even if I don’t listen very well, God will still figure out a way to get me to where I am supposed to be. I may be kicking and screaming all the way, but I’ll go if I can figure out where it is . . . I just hope it has mountains and not just flat plains!
TravelinLady
We drove and drove and drove and found a few mountains and lots of plains. Saw a few antelope, lots of cows, hardly any trees. We crossed the Continental Divide a couple times, the first time at over 6,000 feet, the other at 5,300 or something. Fortunately they were no problem for my Mo, Brendan. :-) But we kept driving and didn’t find a place to spend the night. On into Idaho, almost to Idaho Falls and then west to Rexburg, still nothing. Finally we pulled over and checked one of my books and found several places south and east of Rexburg. We ended up in Victor, Idaho. We’re pretty close to the Idaho/Wyoming border, in the Teton Valley. I’ve never been in this part of Idaho and the Tetons are amazing. High rocky peaks standing out like fists defying travelers to attempt them. I can just imagine what the first settlers thought when they saw them. Lordy, I hope we don’t have to try to cross those!!! I will take pictures tomorrow but with my 35 mm camera so won’t be able to add photos until I get back to Portland and get them developed and put on a disk. Anyway, after probably 8 hours of driving we are settled in for the night.
This RV place is the most space-miserly I’ve seen yet. The sites are very narrow, the Mo barely fits in the site we’re in, both lengthwise and side to side. It’s also the most expensive we’ve stayed in. And that’s with a discount! Go figure. Glad we’re only here for a night. Tomorrow we will spend time in Jackson, and then head south to the next camping spot. Then on to Mountain Home and the Sun Valley area, then Boise and then homeward.
Marian’s son, Mike (John’s youngest brother), will meet us in Meridian, outside of Boise, and pick her up. Then I’ll be on my own again. We will have traveled together about 12 days. I want to go through Walla Walla and see what that area looks like these days; I understand it’s been growing in popularity. I may contact my friend Sharon in Pendleton and try to meet her if she’s in town.
My friend Julie, who grew up in Great Falls, suggested I call another friend of hers who still lives there and try to meet her. I tried calling but didn’t hear back.
I think I have now put more than 2,000 miles on the Mo. It only had 8,000 and some when I bought it; it’s now over 10,000. And I’ve only had it about 3-1/2 weeks. We filled the tank today in Great Falls ($2.89 for diesel) and ran up a $126 charge. Whew! This traveling can get expensive.
Charlie is getting very spoiled. If I won’t pet him while I’m driving, Marian does, so he thinks he should be getting petted 24/7, and he almost is. He doesn’t much like these all day driving marathons (neither do I, for that matter), except he does like the up-close-and-personal time he gets. He will not like it when Marian leaves us and he has no one to pet him as we travel. But we will be on interstate most of the way so I will be able to handle his need for being touched most of that time.
I’ve been listening to Irish music today, including my newest CD of Mary Black from my Irish friend, Katie. I love it. I have two Van Morrison CDs on the machine, too. They remind me of a special friend every time I hear them, especially one particular song. Music has that wonderful quality of bringing back memories and making them seem alive. Even if they are memories that are a little painful. But life doesn’t come without pain, especially if you choose to love. And why wouldn’t you, even knowing the potential cost. I often wish I had someone to love in my life right now, besides Charlie and my family and friends, of course. But being on the road makes that pretty unreasonable.
Still, I know that I have many friends who are thinking about me and praying for me. And I trust that whatever this mission I am on is all about, it will lead me to where I am supposed to be. It might not be where I think I should go, but I am not in charge anyway. The greatest lesson, and the hardest, I have learned so far in my life. All I can do at this point is listen and try to discern where God is leading me. The good thing is, that even if I don’t listen very well, God will still figure out a way to get me to where I am supposed to be. I may be kicking and screaming all the way, but I’ll go if I can figure out where it is . . . I just hope it has mountains and not just flat plains!
TravelinLady
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