Moving On

June 1, Portland, Ore -- It has now been more than a year since I left my work and sold my home and became something of a vagabond. But that life is soon to end. At least so it appears, and for the time being.

Last Wednesday, giving up hope of selling the Mo anytime soon but knowing I needed a permanent place to live, and suspecting that mortgage interest rates may be climbing (how could they not with fuel-price-induced inflation lurking on our horizon?) while housing prices seem to be stabilizing, at least here in Portland, I made an offer on a house. It was accepted and tomorrow morning we will see what the home inspectors have to say. Pending an acceptable inspection, I could once again be a homeowner, probably by the end of this month.

This is a 1964 ranch, 1230 square feet, three bedrooms, two baths, small family room, but very large yard and room to park the Mo. Yes, we even measured to make sure. So I can hold onto it for a bit longer and give fuel prices a chance to at least stabilize and most of the frantic sellers to get out of the market. It will be expensive to pay both payments but I think I can manage -- as long as I don’t drive very much.

The house is in Milwaukie, about 8 miles or 20 minutes from my parish. It will be substantially more affordable in some ways than living in Portland; for one thing, the property taxes are quite a bit less in this unincorporated area. Just buying the house will be less than a comparable home closer to downtown Portland. It has lots of potential for making it the home I ultimately want and is perfectly livable the way it is. But you have to have dreams.

So that is one huge issue I can lay to rest, at least pending the inspection tomorrow.

Second item on the agenda is my relationship with Jeff, my friend and companion for the past few months on the trip. There were many good things about our connection but I have had this reluctance to make a deeper commitment. I am not sure what is holding me back, other than the deep sense that it is just not right for me, for who I am now. It may be that NO relationship is right for me. I cannot see the future; it is murky and misty. But there is light shining in my life and that comes from my family, my friends, my parish community. And my God. So Jeff and I are no longer a couple in any way or shape. I hope we will remain friends -- we shared some wonderful experiences -- but that is ultimately up to him and how, in retrospect, he views our time together.

I attended a retreat yesterday with some of my fellow parishioners at the Trappist Abbey of Our Lady of Guadalupe in Lafayette, Ore. What a lovely, peaceful, prayerful place. It reminded me of my dream to have a place like that some day. Reality is that I don’t have and don’t ever expect to have the money necessary to buy a place like that.

The night before, I had dinner with a good friend, a former Jesuit, who offered some insight and suggestions in the form of a question. I explored that on Saturday during the retreat. I know I want to have God as the center of my life, whatever it ultimately looks like. I know I want to pray and praise God, to grow ever closer. I want to be a mystic when I grow up. How that comes to pass, and where that comes to pass, is still open. It will require much spiritual training for me -- thankfully most of that is available in the form of books and workshops and prayer and spiritual direction. I will be pursuing those once again -- I kind of took a time out from them during this last leg of the trip. I also will be talking with friends in the religious life about their own calls and how something like that might feel, might work for me. It is a thought that has come to mind a number of times, but I don’t know if it’s Catholic guilt or really God calling, whispering my name with love.

I also signed up to attend the Willamette Writers Conference in early August and have set up times to meet with agents about my prospective book. I’ve worked up a summary and will begin putting together some segments, mostly based on my blogs and journals.

So between buying a home and furnishing it -- remember, I have basically nada, having sold everything a year ago for next to nothing -- working on my book, volunteering at the parish (I cantor a Mass next weekend), and exploring my future, I have lots to keep me busy.

Last night after the retreat I volunteered at the all school reunion and was reminded once again of how strong this faith community is and how much I love it and all the people I have come to know in my 25 years of belonging here. So, I guess maybe more will follow in my trials and tribulations, my explorations and experiences.
TravelinLady