Late August Storms Bring Rain, Reflection

After a weekend of temperatures in the high 90s up to 100, this week has been cloudy and cool and rainy. My air conditioner needed a break and the lawns and trees all needed a good drink of water.

Charlie went outside last night and returned with muddy feet which he immediately planted all over my new expensive cream-colored rug in the living room. I did my best to clean up his pawprints and will have to figure out what to do when the fall and winter rains start in earnest. Do I cover it up to protect it? But then I don’t get to appreciate the reason I bought it in the first place.

My kitchen floor is mostly done -- thanks to my son Karl coming by last weekend and spending several hours both Saturday and Sunday. It looks good, I think. There are still some little places to patch and the molding needs to go up but I can almost check that off my list of To Dos.

The weather gives me a little premonition of the upcoming fall and winter. I have always loved the idea of getting ready for winter, the coziness of being snug and warm and safe. This year for the first time in a long time I will have a fireplace to curl up in front of, as long as I go out and find some firewood. While I love the idea of fall and winter approaching, there is also a melancholy, a deep sadness that comes with this time of year. That is exacerbated by my aloneness and by the sense that my life -- like the year -- continues its inexorable travels toward some unseen conclusion. Time is passing and I am getting older and there is a sense that I haven’t fulfilled my purpose of being here or even really figured it out.

And I will be honest: being in this house for the first time facing winter, and being alone, scares me a bit. I don’t know what to expect from the heat system, the electrical system, the roof, drainage. The huge maple in the back yard could come crashing down during an ice storm. Not to mention my own finances that feel too insecure. I feel very vulnerable and very much in over my head sometimes.

Part of me, I think, is still waiting and longing for my “knight in shining armor” to come riding into my life and rescue me, to take care of me. But I know that won’t happen and I need to keep reminding myself that I am responsible for me, my life, my finances. I am in charge and need to take charge.


In two days I will celebrate my birthday; or rather, I will observe it. I don’t think you celebrate at this age -- until I reach 59-1/2 and can then access my IRA, anyway. That’s still a ways off. Maybe the market will turn around by then?? But my birthday is another day to remember how different my life is than I imagined it would be. I recall a couple of times that John didn’t remember my birthday, but there were many birthdays where I felt greatly appreciated and loved and was treated as a special person. My birthdays have become especially hard since he died. This always follows closely on the heels of our anniversary and his birthday in July.

There are times -- and today is one of those -- when I still wonder what hit me. Days when I think -- or hope -- that this is all a very long, bad dream and I will wake up and will have learned better how to appreciate what I had in John. It will be five years this October, and still I have too many moments of questioning why and wishing things were not this way.

It is tempting to just chuck it all, to submit to sadness and hopelessness, to submerge my sadness in unhealthy ways, to find ways to bury the pain. But I know that anything I do to avoid dealing with the dark days really only makes it worse. The only way out of these struggles is to meet them head on, with my chin up, leading my own cheers.

Thankfully there are also many days when life seems like a grand adventure and I feel that I can handle any challenge. Part of that, I think, comes from meeting the challenges of the past 16 months of traveling. It’s just a matter of not giving in to the difficult times and understanding that these, too, shall pass. It’s a matter of looking forward with hope to new experiences, meeting new people, spending time with old friends and loved ones who have added so much to my life.