Summer Gifts

August 28 – Charlie and I went for a walk this morning at the school down the road. The athletic fields are enclosed by fence so when no one else is there I let Charlie run. He is so beautiful and shows such joyful abandon when he is running free and exploring. It never fails to make me smile. I try to take him somewhere for a walk every day. The other day we drove into Portland and walked around on Mount Tabor. There are so many memories there for me, painful but good -- life as it was but no longer is.

It is an incredibly beautiful morning. The sky is clear except for clouds low on the northern horizon. These late summer mornings are almost mystical. There is a peacefulness, a quiet, even here just a block or two from the freeway.

It seems that whenever I am feeling mired in self-doubt, am lonely and on the verge of despair about my life, my future, God sends me gifts like today. The beauty of this morning was God’s way of telling me, in no uncertain terms, how loved I am. I am given a sense of peacefulness about my life, an understanding that this is how it should be for right now, and that all will be well.

God sends me friends who say or do just the right thing to remind me that I am not alone, that I am cared about, that life is worth living, that each day promises some wonderful gift if I look for it and embrace it with open eyes, open arms.

God sends me a flock of geese flying low over the trees to admire and marvel at, to remind me, both of the importance of friends, and that the cozy seasons are coming. Even if the only one I have to cuddle with is Charlie, I will be home, in my house, with my fireplace and a kitchen. I can make soup or bread or tea and be cozy and warm – while I work on my book, or paint, or write.

But for now the days are still warm and languid; no nip in the mornings yet; but that will come soon. The bees are heavy but continue to work what flowers remain. They somehow know their time is drawing short – both for stocking the larder for winter to feed the queen and for their own life.

This is the time of fulfillment for plants. Grass seeds are mature, fruits are ripening and beginning to drop to the ground. Part of my back yard is decorated by gravenstein apples that have dropped. They are wormy and rotted. There is nothing to salvage, not enough fruit even to make applesauce. Just messy. The tree on my back line is very large and very old. It needs to be pruned and that is one more thing on my list. I hope I can get help with that – it is not something I am willing to tackle on my own.

I cleaned my gutters for the first time this week, probably the first of many times I'll have to do it this fall. The maple tree that dominates the middle of my yard is beautiful but, once again, very large and very old. (The photos don't do it justice b y a longshot.) Its leaves fill the gutter even now, before they have begun to turn and drop in earnest. Even after cleaning, there is a spot where the joints leak, right above my back door. I looked at caulk the other day but didn’t know which to buy.

I did, however, successfully repair the coffee table I bought a few weeks ago. One of the legs had apparently broken loose, been glued and then nailed into the top. It was not a good fix and I wish I had noticed it before I paid for the table. I removed the nails and retrieved the bolt so I could buy something to replace it that would hold. I was finally able to find what I needed, with a lot of help from a clerk, and put it back together while watching the Democratic National Convention on television. Viola!

Being able to fix something that someone else had messed up gives me a feeling of success and accomplishment. Maybe that’s what challenges are for – to give us an opportunity to succeed. To prove to ourselves that we can do it.

Work continues on my fundraiser scheduled for October 4. I have been disappointed by the lack of positive feedback from most of the people I have asked to help. But just recently I have gotten suggestions and offers to help from a few friends. It will happen and it will succeed – just one more challenge to meet. But it may be the last time we do this event. People just aren’t interested in helping and I can’t do it alone.

I continue to think very much about my book and what I want to say. I spent the better part of Tuesday getting my office sorted and straightened out in preparation for working on it. I’ve had time scheduled on my calendar this week to work on it. Now I just need to do that. I know if I just sit down the words will flow. I just need to motivate myself to sit down and start. I think I can, I know I can.

I have been reading a book written by a woman who – with her husband – spent a year traveling in a motorhome. Checking out the competition. There is such a world of difference in our perspectives and outlooks. She didn’t want to go on her trip; and she had no intention of doing anything helpful like driving or hooking up. She didn’t even cook or do laundry. Just whined. While it is funny in places, it isn’t uplifting or even particularly interesting to me. But then, my trip had a completely different agenda. There were hard parts, frustrating parts, funny parts – in retrospect. But also many, many good parts. People like her I’m sure think I was crazy; sometimes I think that myself. But I’m glad I did it, even though I still can’t see clearly why or what I accomplished. I supposed THAT I accomplished what I did is enough for now.