Today Is the First Day of the Rest of My Life

That, of course, is every day. But at some point you do have to take a stand to maybe change your life a little. So today is it. Tomorrow I might have to start over but that's the way it goes sometimes.

So this morning I finally got myself to the gym. I spent 40 minutes on an elliptical machine and then did a few weights. The gym -- 24 Hour Fitness just south of Clackamas Town Center -- is new and really nice. But many of the machines are a bit of a mystery to me. It's been well over 18 months since I've been to the gym, I think. So I think I may have to spring for a trainer for a few sessions to get going again. I truly wasted the time I had with a trainer two years ago but that was also about the time I was thinking I was going to retire and make some very big changes in my life. So I wasn't very diligent about things like exercise. Now it's time to get into that. Years ago I had a workout habit and it was very good for me, physically and emotionally.

I am glad to report, though, that the emotional part of me seems to be in pretty darn good shape these days. I enjoy having fun and try not to worry too much about who might be watching me make a fool of myself. This is probably one of the results of my traveling; you just do things and don't worry about audience response. Besides, if people think I'm outrageous or ridiculous or anything else, that's only their problem. Not mine. Now in all honestly, it may be possible that I'm pretty darn happy and satisfied because I don't have a man in my life and haven't for months. Upon much reflection, I think my history shows that when I am with a man, part of a couple, I often try to conform my own self to better suit him. And that's not the way you find fulfillment and happiness. So obviously I have lots of learning and growing to do. Imagine that: 58 and still growing. So right now I'm working on becoming the best and most authentic me I can be. That's where the joy comes in.

So Saturday night at the party I wore my very sparkly clothes and I put on my most sparkly personality and smiles. I got lots of compliments but they didn't really matter because I knew I looked good and I absolutely felt wonderful. I have so many friends at the parish that it was a joy to flit from person to person and just be charming and gracious and flirtatious and just have fun. I danced with some of my lady friends, and not with any of the men. There have been times in my life when I would have hidden in a corner, or even the ladies' room or drank a little too much to try to be less insecure, which never worked, by the way. I didn't have anything to drink until about three hours into the party because I was so busy and involved. Then as the party was winding down I finally let myself have a couple glasses of wine. I am finally starting to feel more comfortable in my own skin and feeling at home. I know I am where I should be and I can’t imagine being any other place. Except to visit, of course, and there are lots of places I still need to see.

I can't swear that I'll never fall victim to the blues again, never sink into depression at some point. But for right now I am feeling strong and vibrant and in control. All the more reason to take care of physical parts -- exercise, better eating, drink more water and less wine.

And one of the reasons for getting in shape now is that I have my make-up vacation planned for late April on Kauai. I was talking to my daughter last night and she and her hubby will probably join me if we can find affordable airfare. My sister will also join us, I think. We want to do some hiking on the NaPali Coastline and Waimea Canyon, do more snorkeling and kayaking -- probably on the rivers as the surf may be too rough. So I'd like to be in decent shape to enjoy those outings.

I'm already thinking about building raised beds for a garden -- I have lots of room -- and a compost bin. Right now everything just gets tossed in a pile and that's very inefficient. I have been working on my book and on my future and at this points it all looks positive.