Informal Family Gatherings

Well, another week has come and gone and I've had so many little projects I haven't spent much time atall atall working on the book. But this weekend, thanks to a cold or flu but that has kept me under wraps, I have found some time to do more work on it. I sent the first 11 chapters to a friend so he could do a read over and give me his thoughts/ideas and opinions.

I've done a little work on the query letter and proposal but for me, in many ways, this is the most challenging part. For the proposal I have to actually do some research on similar books already in existence, among other things, and for both I actually need to sell myself as a writer. Not something I'm entirely competent at.

My cold has kept me from the gym since Friday -- actually, that's probably where I got it -- so I hope I'm not sliding backwards. But working out was just beyond my ability. Besides, I didn't want to leave my germs there as someone else apparently left them for me.

My brother from Yakima was here for a three days helping me finish up some little things around the house. He helped me get my lawnmower in running condition so I finally mowed my front lawn, at least. I have waaaay too much lawn here. Originally I wanted to talk to him about doing some decks or other hardscaping, but it's so expensive to do and I really can't afford to do that just now. He also fixed a bi-fold door that wasn't working right, put the trim molding back in the kitchen, family room and entry hall where I've replaced the floor, and helped me finish the floor in my utility closet off the family room, among other things.

We checked on that hornets' nest in my garden shed and I apparently finally managed to kill them. He was able to knock it down with no problems. That's a big worry off my list.

Next week he will come back and help me replace a couple of rotting gate posts. They were bad before but the winter has made them much worse; that line of fence is barely standing on its own. In addition, I am hoping he can help me prune the huge apple tree that hangs over my back yard and finish another raised bed for my garden.

He is not working right now and I figured I needed this stuff done so I might as well hire family to do it. Win win solution. I get some things finished and he gets a little income. But I am painfully aware of my dwindling savings and really need to do something soon about that.

While he was here I took him over to meet my grandson, Jesse, and was able to take a few photos.

My sister from Medford also came by on Friday on her way back from Astoria so we got to spend a little time together. After Mike left that afternoon, we went out to dinner and then to see Slumdog Millionaire, which I really liked. On Wednesday when Mike first arrived, Shirley also stopped by on her way to Astoria, and our brother Tom from Vancouver came by so there were four out of the six of us here for a short time. It was nice to see everyone and be the source of that little get-together.

I continue to spend too much time on my newest time sponge: facebook. I now have 80 friends. It is fun, though. I have reconnected with people I used to work with and always liked. It's a nice way to stay in touch easily and also network. We'll see if it pays of in the way of helping me find projects or part-time work, or in marketing my book . . . some day. Soon, I hope.

For now, I continue to nurse this nasty cold. I made myself some turkey noodle soup today and am actually feeling a little better. So good, in fact, I may just get dressed and get myself to Mass since I didn't go this morning.

So life continues with its little ups and downs but the good thing is, it continues.

President's Day

Actually, many of these holidays lose their positive quality once you're not doing an 8-5, M-F job. What normally is a good day to shop or go to the gym or the park or the beach or whatever becomes more like a Saturday with the crowds.

Regardless I did go to the gym this morning and had a good workout; something like 4 miles and 430 calories burned. Tomorrow I meet my trainer again. I have mixed feelings about this because I know working with him is really good for me but it's also very hard on me, makes me push myself beyond what I would do on my own. And sometimes it's painful, for days after. My biceps are just now recovering from last Thursday.

I had an up and down and up weekend. Friday I got to see a very dear friend who was visiting from Florida but then I got into a very down place emotionally. Saturday morning, after spending time with some different friends, I felt much better. Maybe sharing a little piece of chocolate with another dear friend helped: I think I was suffering from chocolate deprivation.

Part of my funk was undoubtedly the whole Valentine's Day thing and being single with my major relationship with a male being Charlie. But my brother did stop by and brought me some really pretty flowers. In return I made him dinner and, in rummaging around in my freezer, found the last of the Christmas fudge! YES!! More chocolate. But I have to hoard it carefully so no ODing.

Then on Saturday afternoon I got an email invitation to join Facebook. Well, I did and it sucked up most of the rest of my weekend but was fun and pretty uplifting. I am reconnected with some people I haven't talked with for awhile and able to keep in touch with them easily. In just over 48 hours I have 51 friends connected so that's fun! Though small potatoes compared to some of my friends. Some are good networking contacts, folks I met when I worked for the Senator. Others are relatives: in-laws, nephews, cousins, etc. And then, of course, just my friends from the parish, from high school, etc.

This is also a tool that was highly recommended at a workshop I attended last summer at the Willamette Writers conference, part of building a platform to market your work. That's partly what this blog does, too, but Facebook will probably reach many more people and more quickly. My friends and probably many of their friends, as well.

So whatever negative parts of my mood remained by mid-afternoon Saturday were gone within a few hours. Probably it was partly just the distraction of learning something new and focusing on it instead of my own disappointments in life.

Charlie has been acting quite naughty lately. I'm not sure what it is. He's been getting plenty of walks but he's really into finding paper to shred, sometimes pulling it out of the garbage can along with other garbage. So I clean up after him and then he goes and finds more things to make messes with. It's like having a two-year-old! So I'm not sure what's up with him; I think he needs a friend. Probably I haven't been paying enough attention to him. Spending too much time on the computer, perhaps.

Maybe Charlie needs his own Facebook account. My nephew's cat has one: Cuthbert. Why not Charlie?

Whew!

That's about all I can say. For the past four weeks now I've been working with a trainer at 24-Hour Fitness. I meet with him twice a week for 50 minutes of sheer torture and then do cardio at least five times a week for about an hour. I've been trying to watch my food and eat healthy but when I got weighed and measured on Tuesday I had only lost one measly pound. Though I had lost several inches in strategic spots and my body fat index dropped a bit.

But my trainer decided that I needed to be more focused on the calorie counting. So he gave me a sample diet. I'm allowed 1,150 calories a day, with about 60% being carbs, 20% proteins and 20% fats. After two days I've decided that since Chris hasn't killed me yet with the torture (aka exercise and weights), now he's going to starve me to death. I told him today he had to come to my funeral. He just laughed an evil laugh. Go figure! He's halfway between my son and daughter in age. What the heck does he know about being old and fat?

Actually, in truth, it is easier to cut down the calories when I know how hard I have to work to burn them off. And it's kind of fun to figure out all the ratios and find interesting and yummy foods that stay within my limits. But the truth is, this could be a full-time job. Today, for instance, I got up and fed Charlie and had a cup of coffee and then cooked an egg in 1/2 teaspoon of butter and had it on 1/2 a non-fat English muffin with a slice of lowfat cheese melted over it. I finished it off with 1/2 a grapefruit. Then I went to the gym for two hours. Then I came home and fixed a lunch of 1/2 a tuna sandwich on whole grain bread and a couple spears of fresh pineapple. So I've ingested something like 535 calories. But after lunch I took Charlie for HIS walk for about 1/2 an hour. So now, at not quite 2 p.m. I have burned something like 950 calories (not counting all those regular calories burned just by living and moving) and more than half a day. I'm exhausted. See why I think my trainer is trying to kill me?! And the worst part? He's limiting me to having wine only one night a week. Nah, that's not really the worst part; it's actually very good for me. When I drink alcohol, I tend to eat indiscriminately.

I keep telling myself someday, if I keep this up, I will be much healthier and able to do more things. I am shooting for late April on Kauai, where I am spending a week with my daughter and son-in-law. We will do some hiking and snorkeling and kayaking and I need to be in better shape so I don't hold them back. Frankly the pounds aren't that important to me; it's the getting in shape and looking better, getting rid of some of the fat. It'd be nice to drop a couple sizes.

Then when I go on my book tours I'll look good. Well, gotta have things to shoot for, right? But I do have to make sure I carve out enough time to work on the book. I'm on Chapter 12, getting close to New York so it is progressing. But there is so much yet left to do. Realistically I could send out proposals at any time and finish it up once I get someone who is willing to market it and then someone who is willing to publish it. Writing it is only a small part of getting it done.

My friend from Florida, Kathleen, is in town for the weekend so am looking forward to seeing her tomorrow and spending some time catching up. I miss her but I am glad she has a great life in Florida where she gets to spend plenty of time with her granddaughter. In honor of her visit, I will probably skip the gym tomorrow and go Saturday instead, though I hate going on the weekends because it's always so busy there. But I cannot give myself a pass on the calorie and carb counting. Now, on to the book. How many calories do you burn typing?

Ups and Downs of Life

Okay, I admit it. I'm a snob. It's not something I'm incredibly proud of, but it is a fact. I have never been a WalMart shopper, but I have spent more time than I care to think about the last few weeks at one of the WalMarts in Southeast Portland. My daughter's good friend from high school is an optometrist. She practices at three places, but the only place that accepts my federal vision insurance is WalMart, where she works about a half-day every week. I wanted to support her in her new career. I hope she knows what a sacrifice it was for me.

There is just something about the place that sets my teeth on edge, and I develop a headache within a couple minutes of walking through the doors. Just driving into the parking lot is enough to make me cringe. The whole experience makes me incredibly grouchy.

In spite of the negatives, Mindy did a great job fitting me with new contacts. We're using a mono-vision prescription that adjusts one contact -- the one for my stronger right eye -- for distance, and the other eye for close work. My new contacts let me see the computer screen without reading glasses. In fact, with the set I just picked up today that were slightly adjusted on both eyes, I can actually see quite small print as well as distances. It's great not to have to worry about always having my reading glasses with me. The only downside is that with the difference between the two eyes, my depth perception is a little messed up.

Oh, the other downside is the fact that I've had to go to WalMart about five times in the last month. Oddly, as often as I've been in there, the assistant who has worked with me every time I've been there still doesn't recognize me, has absolutely no clue who I am or why I'm there. It's like watching "Groundhog Day" -- she apparently wipes the memory slate clean every time I leave. One more final checkup, though, and I should be good for the next couple years at least. I need not darken the door of the local WalMart again for quite awhile. Maybe in the meantime Mindy will find another place to practice that will accept my insurance. Please, God, let it be so.

Today was another beautiful, sunny day so I took Charlie over to Mt. Tabor park. We started on the southwest side of the park and hiked up some fairly steep trails to the top and back down to the northeast side, then turned around and climbed a long series of stairs and back around. It was an hour total, with lots of hills both up and down. Good for both of us.

Yesterday I was busy running errands and didn't get to the gym but had been every other day this week, spending at least two hours there on Tuesday and Thursday working with my trainer.

Last night a friend and I went to visit our mutual friend who has ALS/Lou Gherig's Disease. She was in a care facility for a couple nights so her husband and son could get a little respite break from caring for her. She has almost lost the ability to speak and has not been able to move most of her body for awhile now. She can still move her head some. What an incredibly cruel disease. Your mind continues to be very sharp, but your body refuses to cooperate and you become unable to communicate and eventually unable to do anything for yourself. I believe ultimately the lungs stop operating and you are no longer able to chew and swallow. Meantime you brain function continues as it always has and you are acutely aware of your situation and how much those who love you are having to deal with. I have been visiting her fairly regularly since this summer and it is really sad to see the progression of the disease. I am not sure how much longer she will have but if it were me, I would welcome death as deliverance, though I understand it is a very difficult death. And as I have learned, it is human nature to try to defy death as long as possible.

I have been working to set up another blog -- a series of spiritual reflections -- for the Franciscan Spiritual Center. Once it is up and running I will post that site and include it with my favorites. This is the volunteer marketing work I'm doing for the Center. The young woman who works at their front desk was working with me on the setup Friday and mentioned she had tickets for the opera for Sunday afternoon. She had no one who was able to use them. I scooped them up and finally found three friends who will join me. It is Turn of the Screw, which sounds like a good gothic story.

I haven't been to the opera for several years, unless you count Phantom of the Opera, which is marginally an opera. So it should be a fun outing. One of the ladies I'm taking has never seen an opera; this will be the second time I've been able to introduce opera virgins to this beautiful performance art. I actually got interested in opera when I was taking voice lessons from a wonderful woman who sang for years in national opera companies and was a finalist for the New York Metropolitan. She will be at the performance also and I hope I get to see her there. I doubt there will be many WalMart shoppers there . . . ooooh, see what a terrible snob I am!? Mea culpa, mea maxima culpa!!

The work on the book progresses, and each time I reread the chapters I've done, I am surprised at myself. Even though I usually have things to change or add -- mostly little tweaks -- it feels like a good read to me, and I've read it a number of times, not to mention living it. It is time to get some proposals sent out and see if I can sell it. It would also help the "bottom line" since it doesn't look like I'm going to get the Mo sold anytime soon. I should take it out and get some work done on the generator and get the batteries replaced in the next few weeks, though I hate to spend the money when I'm not sure if it will ever sell or when I might ever use it again. But, who knows. Today marks the one year anniversary of my last trip, down through California and across the south. Many good memories that I will enjoy reliving when I write those chapters.

Pushing Through

Or, How I dealt with the adversity of being alone on Superbowl Sunday

What else can you do? You just keep walking through the fire, no matter which direction it comes from. One foot in front of the other. Knowing you’ll get through this and come out the other side. Stronger.

That’s also how I approach my workouts with my trainer. One lift at a time. I think it’s the weights that kill me the most. And sometimes he takes pity on me and helps. Or lets me off the hook just a little. He’ll skip a couple counts or something. He is a sweet guy, even though he pretends to be a big tough wrestler-type. And how can you not love a guy who has a big tattoo that says “Mom” entwined with the Sacred Heart. Gotta love those Italian sons of Italian mothers.

But the truth is, I don’t -- and never have -- push myself very hard. I’m way too easy on myself. I always let myself off the hook.

Take Tuesday, for instance. After working with him for an hour and then another hour of cardio, I was wiped out. I went home and took a shower and then laid down for a few minutes because it just didn’t feel like I had enough energy to continue standing and walking. My brother called to see if we could get together -- he likes spending time with Charlie on his days off. But also we’re a pretty good support system for each other, someone to listen to, someone to talk to. I had been thinking about checking out the Rebuilding Center in North Portland, which was very close to where he was having a dental appointment that morning. We decided to meet there. Instead of taking a nap, then, I hopped in the car and -- fighting off fatigue and sleep -- drove up to North Portland, just off I-5 and Alberta if you know Portland. The Center is on Mississippi which is a funky little neighborhood with little shops and restaurants.

Neither of us had been to the Rebuilding Center before. It’s a place where they have all kinds of building materials and fixtures, recycled from deconstruction sites, etc. They had some wonderful old doors with leaded glass, fireplace mantels, light and plumbing fixtures, other really interesting things. But I didn’t need any of those. What I was looking for was material to build some raised beds for this spring. Preferably cedar or redwood, rather than outdoor wood which sometimes contains questionable chemicals.

We found a bunch of cedar six-foot 2x6s, though in many cases one edge or the other was greatly compromised. But for $17 I bought 14 of these boards and some rough-cut 2x2s that should work for posts. This should give me enough to lay out a couple of beds, anyway. Today I’m going to try to take advantage of the continuing beautiful weather and lay out at least one bed.

I bought him lunch at a little Mexican Restaurant -- por que no? -- across the street and we sat outside in the sun to enjoy our chicken tamales and red snapper torta. It was amazing for early February. Blue skies, warm sun. I sat in just my long-sleeved shirt, it was that warm -- probably close to 60. It’s been a very strange winter for Portland, but so far I’ll take the sun and cold over rain.

We drove to my house and unloaded the wood and then I took my nap. Probably a good couple of hours. These workouts really are draining me. When I finally got up Tom was still there so he got a Subway sandwich to split and then we made a fire. I haven’t had a fire since Christmas but it was so lovely. After he left I just kept it going for awhile and sat there sipping some pinot gris and thinking. No television last night. Good start! Television sends you all the wrong messages and keeps you from thinking your own thoughts, coming to your own conclusions about life. Sometimes it can be thought provoking itself, but not that often.


But back to Sunday. I did end up going to the gym. And I did watch a little of the game from the monitor on my treadmill. Then I went home and watched the rest of it until just about the very end. I was pulling for the Cardinals but when it was clear they couldn’t score in less than a minute, I turned it off and went to church again.

I had decided to attend the Contemplative Mass, which I love. The guy who was doing the music that night has a beautiful, prayerful voice and his guitar work is very soothing. So that felt like a good thing to do. When I was walking into the church, I met a very dear friend whom I haven’t seen in awhile and her husband. She invited me to join them in their pew. I sat with them and surrounded by other friends. It was a wonderful, peaceful, beautiful experience and I felt God there, holding me and reminding me that I do have people who love me.

This Sunday’s epistle was from Paul’s letter to the Corinthians, 7:32-35. Paul sometimes drives me crazy, and this was one of those times. This is where he seems to encourage people to remain single (and presumably celibate). Unmarried men and women, he says, are anxious about things of the Lord, how they may please the Lord, whereas married people are anxious about things of the world and pleasing their mate. Having been both, I take issue with his assumptions. Married people can, and often do, work together to praise and please the Lord. Whereas, unmarried people can be, and often are, anxious about how to become married, about their loneliness, often wishing things were different. But all my alone time does, truly, give me plenty of time to think, to pray, to talk to and listen for God, whereas if I’m not alone I’m usually talking or listening to the person I’m with. So there is validity to both sides. But I think you can find and praise and serve God no matter what your status, no matter where you find yourself.

Superbummer

Superbowl Sunday, 2009 -- So really, should I care? If I watched television at all the last few weeks, I would think that everyone is throwing a great party. Most likely I’m one of the few who didn’t get invited to one. Actually, I know my son and his wife are having a gathering; I was told about it on Friday but not really invited to join them. Maybe my son, by mentioning it, assumed I understood I was included. But I didn’t understand that. It was really not part of the conversation. And unfortunately I’m still proud enough that I prefer not to look or seem pathetic, and too humble to invite myself.

Back when John was alive, we did sometimes get invited to Superbowl parties, though it wasn’t ever an understood, accepted practice. But since I’ve been a single woman, I don’t think I’ve ever really had a Superbowl gathering to attend.

Should this bother me? I suppose it does, but probably not for the right reasons. I do like football and know quite a bit about it (for a girl) -- I used to work for the head football coach of a Pac10 University. I don’t really have a dog in this fight; except the underdog. I like the Cardinals only because they are such huge underdogs. I’ve always preferred the also-rans to the always-theres. I think underdogs give us hope that some day perhaps it will be our own turn, that winning isn’t necessarily a right for anyone, not always a foregone conclusion even for those have been dealt all the power cards.

Obviously, if I cared, I could turn the television on and watch by myself, and I may eventually this afternoon. More likely scenario: I will go to the gym, hoping all the jocks will be somewhere watching the game. I can always catch parts of it on the televisions there if I’m on a treadmill or EFX machine.

But Superbowl Sunday is just another reminder to me that I no longer fit into the old molds any more. That my life is far different from what television ads picture as the norm. Just a couple weeks up the road is another major quagmire I will have to try to slog my way through: Valentine’s Day. Maybe I should just turn the television and radio off and pretend I’m perfectly happy. Actually, most of the time I am perfectly happy and don’t have to pretend. It’s just these challenging special holidays and events that get me occasionally.

So, what am I going to do about this? I can keep telling myself it really has nothing to do with me. Keep busy with things I love and try not to think about other people who, in my imagination at least, are having so much more fun than I. I can write a post for my blog, and work on my book. I can go out and find new hobbies, meet new friends, and find other ways to feel included. I’ve done that to some degree the past few years and have new friends because of it.

I was at a fundraising event last night, invited by a friend who is the friend of friends who have a friend who was recently diagnosed with cancer. I think that’s three degrees of separation? Anyway, this woman apparently has huge medical expenses and possibly no insurance. So her friends (who are my friend’s friends) threw this great event to raise money to help with her medical costs. The woman who is sick has been teaching ballroom dance for years and so all her current and former students and friends gathered for dancing, an auction, and other events. It was lovely to see all those people rallying around their sick friend.

It was also lovely to watch the beautiful ballroom dancing. Viennese waltzes, tangos, quicksteps, cha-chas, swing. It reminded me of when John and I had taken dance lessons many years ago. But although I can dance a little, I did not dance. No one knew me. I avoided eye contact so no one would ask me to dance something I didn’t know how to do. But I wanted to be out there dancing to that wonderful music, floating along as so many of the couples were doing. It felt a little like high school and being a wallflower yet again. So maybe I’ll screw up my courage and go take some ballroom or Latin dance lessons one of these days.

But it’s hard to do those things alone. It was hard to go to the event alone and wander around, trying to find my friend. Feeling lost. Not really knowing anyone else there. So going from my church party a few weeks ago where I knew nearly all the people to an event of about the same size where I knew hardly anyone was a challenge for me. Even going to the gym alone all the time is difficult, though in the long run I know I will be glad I did. So, it is time to do that. I get weighed and measured on Thursday so we’ll see if those three weeks of torture have made any difference. I hope so because I still have seven weeks to go. And I am actually feeling better, my clothes are fitting a little better, and I can do my 45 minutes at a good little incline at a much faster pace now than I could three weeks ago. So I know it is doing some good. It just have to keep with it until it becomes an ingrained habit. Then it will undoubtedly pay good dividends in many ways.