Finding a Positive Focus

Well, if it hasn’t been evident in my posts (few and far between though they have been), I have been struggling some lately. There have been days where it was all I could do to get out of bed after lying there thinking about the absence of purpose in my life. Sometimes it feels like my life is completely empty and void of meaning. So I’ve been searching for some way to change that.

Last Wednesday I had my first meeting with a new spiritual director, Jack Kennedy. I’ve known Jack for years; in fact, he worked with John and I probably 8 years ago when we were trying to resolve some of the issues and struggles in our marriage. I knew I needed to find a spiritual guide to help me discern the next phase of my life. I asked a good friend who also does spiritual direction and she said it is something of an ethical concern to mix friendship and spiritual direction; similar, I suppose, to having your friend be your counselor or your counselor be a friend. She recommended Jack. When I finally got in touch with him, he told me he did have room so one more step in the map to finding myself.

We talked about my belief that I need to find a dream -- or perhaps resurrect a dream. He gave me an assignment for the next month: to spend time thinking about what God’s dreams for me might be; God’s unique dreams for me and the world. I was supposed to pray and vision what God dreams in me and focus on which specific words, images, phrases surface, to try to get in on the flow of God’s dreaming in me. Specifically, Jack mentioned Frederick Buechner, author of Wishful Thinking: A Theological ABC: “There are different kinds of voices calling you to different kinds of work, and the problem is to find out which is the voice of God rather than of Society say, or the Superego, or Self-Interest. By and large a good rule for finding out is this. The kind of work God usually calls you to do is work (a) that you need most to do and (b) that the world needs most to have done. The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet. ”

So I have been doing that prayer and reflection and visioning.

Then another friend and I were talking about my lack of direction that was dragging me into an ugly place. She had a video she wanted me and some other friends to watch and then to set up a support group of women who are trying to establish new goals. On Sunday we watched “The Secret,” and talked about the concept of putting positive things into the universe. The laws of attraction state that what you put out comes back to you, so if you focus on fears, anger, frustrations, those will continue to come back to you. If you ask for or focus on good things, good will flow back to you. Kind of like "Seek and you shall find, knock and it shall be opened."

Monday morning I laid in bed and thought about all the blessings and gifts I have received, all my reasons to be thankful. I said a prayer in thanksgiving then literally bounded out of bed and had an amazingly productive day. Even Charlie could sense the change in attitude and was enthusiastic and playful. I have decided that Charlie is a great barometer for my moods: he can sense when I am down and it drags him down. So for no other reason than for Charlie, I need to focus on being positive.

So far, after two days of focusing on positive things, on believing in abundance rather than scarcity, I am amazed at the difference. Beginning next week I will be taking another workshop on helping find my purpose based on Martha Beck’s Book: Steering by Starlight: Find Your Right Life, No Matter What! And tomorrow afternoon I begin a series of dream classes to talk about what our dreams may be telling us. All VERY interesting stuff. Of course, there are financial challenges in this but if I think positively, the money should present itself or else the costs will somehow be covered. I'm already seeing that happen.

So things are looking very different from my perspective these days and I am feeling confident and positive and hopeful. Try it; you’ll like it!!

Surrounded by Amazing Beauty

Last Tuesday Charlie and I, accompanied by my brother Tom, decided to spend some time hiking in the Columbia River Gorge. We spent some time in the Gorge the week before but I had neglected to take my camera and missed some beautiful shots. So Tuesday I made sure I had the camera along.

We drove first to the Tanner Creek Trailhead which is at Milepost 40 heading east on I-84; it is the Bonneville Dam exit but you turn south off the freeway instead of north. After parking and paying the $5 day use fee, we walked along Tanner Creek -- there is an access road so it's wide and level -- and then took the trail up past East Fork Falls, which are right next to the trail, and on up to Wahclella Falls. This trail is a nice loop that is just over a mile long, I think.

After stopping often and taking lots of photos, we headed back West along the Old Highway. We stopped at Oneonta Gorge and decided to walk -- maybe a quarter mile -- back to Horesetail Falls. We decided to follow that trail which went up past Pony Tail Falls across Oneonta Gorge and on Oneonta Falls. Beautiful scenery -- on both hikes. I'm not sure of our total mileage (I HAVE to remember to wear a pedometer!!) but it seemed like several with all the hills and switchbacks.

There was plenty of poison oak on these trails as well as the trail we followed the week before up to Elowah and Upper McCord Creek falls.

At some point, whether on the hikes this date or later, Charlie managed to break the nail on his dew-claw and I took him to the vet when I noticed it on Thursday. They quoted me a possible $375 so I was little relieved when it was just less than $200. But that's still a lot of money to come up with when you aren't expecting it.

So I am finding little ways to give my life some pizazz, something to keep me getting out of bed in the mornings, but some days it is admittedly challenging. I went to dinner and a movie with a girlfriend last night (we saw The Soloist) and we had a great time. I got home around midnight but this morning I just couldn't get myself motivated; I laid there and wondered what to do with my day. I ended up mowing the lawn and taking Charlie for a walk. But I also went on-line and looked for a job. I applied for a part-time position in the development department of one of the local law schools; I think I'm well qualified but we'll see if I even hear back. I had applied for a position with Oregon City, part-time clerical for which I am horribly over-qualified, but I never even heard back from them. Sheesh!

I'm not looking for anything to get rich on or high-powered and impressive (and stressful). I just want something meaningful to do with my days. I think I would be more focused on my writing if I didn't have so much time on my hands. It's too easy to put things off when you've got all day and all week and all month to do it.

So we'll see. In the meantime, I continue to look at volunteer opportunities and ways for me to make a different in the world as well as my own life. And find beautiful places to visit and photograph so I can be inspired and thankful for all the blessing I DO have.

The Next Adventure? Quite Possibly

There’s a song we sometimes sing at the closing of Mass -- most often we sing it at the end of our monthly youth Mass: “Go make a difference, we can make a difference, go make a difference in the world . . .” I’ve been humming that quite a bit today.

The reason for that is the telephone conversation I had that was the culmination of several weeks of direct investigation but probably years of preparation, often unbeknownst to me. The conversation was with Fr. Ken Gavin, S.J., Director of Jesuit Refugee Services/USA. I made the initial contact several weeks ago by email to their general mailbox from their web page (www.jrsusa.org/). Fr. Gavin emailed me back the next day and, although he was in Rome, headquarters of JRS International, asked that we talk in person when he returned to the U.S. That was my conversation today.

In the meantime, I had emailed with the communications director for JRS/USA about possible projects I might help with. I’ll be helping them post some news stories to their blog for the time being. But beyond that, this may eventually lead me overseas at some point to work on behalf of JRS International in their communications work.

This has been a long and very windy road, beginning, I suppose in 1995 when I went to work for Catholic Charities of Oregon. CC has a program that helps settle refugees in communities throughout Oregon. As the Communications and Public Relations Manager for Catholic Charities, I helped promote the programs of the agency and first became familiar with the plight of refugees.

That was followed by 10 years working for U.S. Senator Gordon Smith where my responsibilities included immigration and refugee/asylee work. Some of the immigration work was rewarding -- reuniting families, but some was very frustrating. I found myself more and more drawn to help refugees, but truthfully there was little our office could do besides harangue the federal and international agencies to keep cases moving forward. Asylees required the assistance of immigration attorneys so again there was little we could do to help. But clearly the unbelievably harsh lives of so many people uprooted by violence, wars, as well as natural disasters, was compelling.

One of the priests of the Oregon Province who had ministered in Portland for a number of years and was well known in our parish joined JRS in 2000. This was my first knowledge that such an agency existed. And something has continued to nudge me in this direction, but I always managed to push it back out of the way.

Since I have returned from my pilgrimage journey, my travels with Charlie, I have been seeking what to do with my life. Even after buying a home and working to fix it up, my life has felt empty. Some mornings I lie in bed trying to figure out why I should bother to get up. In the end, it’s to take care of Charlie. Life is such a cruel joke sometimes: when I had people to care for, to be with, I was also working and never had enough time. Now I have time and no one to care for and be with. So I have been struggling to find a purpose, something to give my life to. Several weeks ago I was gifted -- out of the blue (if you believe in coincidences) -- with a ticket to hear Archbishop Desmond Tutu speak here in Portland. I came away with a renewed sense that there must be something I can do, even as one individual, even as a late-50s widow with limited practical skills. There is so much chaos and pain in the world, there must be a way that I could make a difference.

So I’ll be starting small, just working from home on communications projects, helping let people know about the issues faced by refugees and displaced people in the world. Maybe this will lead to going abroad at some point. I hope it does. But I don’t know how I could leave Charlie. Or what I would do with my house (never mind that motor home I can’t seem to sell!!). But somehow I know if I just take the first step or two, God will be with me and help me find the right paths to travel where I need to go. If this is meant to happen, if, let’s say, I am meant to travel to Africa or some other point on the globe, it will happen in God’s time and with God’s help and orchestration. And this is where I find myself today, on the edge of another adventure and with the sense that perhaps I can make a small difference in the world, working with others who also want to make a difference.

TravelinLady