Dreaming About Trusting My Own Nature

Recently I have been a little preoccupied with thoughts of death and dying. My friend who had very serious surgery earlier this month is recuperating well, for which I am very thankful. But this week I have had my own little scary incident that I continue to monitor and consider options for. There is nothing imminently threatening my life (at least not that I know of), but I have been reminded again of my mortality. And this makes me think of what I have, or have not, accomplished in my 60 years on this earth.  Part of this review includes judging my perceived worth and value in the world.

When I judge myself, I continue to find myself wanting. For instance, lately I continue to remind myself of the steps I could be taking to promote my book, but I don’t pursue them. I am torn between wanting the book to be very successful – thus a positive reflection on my value and worth (measured in both financial terms and the level of my talent/skill/depth) – and just wanting to trust that it will go where it is meant to go.

I also have an ongoing fear of rejection, of looking foolish if I talk to bookstore managers/owners, talk show producers or other media trying to get them to carry my book or do an interview with me.  Truthfully the only “rejection” I’ve gotten so far is having my inquiries, phone calls or emails completely ignored.  I know these venues are very busy with the upcoming election, and I keep telling myself I can wait till they have time for me.  But there’s also this persistent voice (my ego?) that tells me if I don’t become an overnight success, I am a failure. I have to hit the ground running with the book and never look back.  This is so NOT true in reality. Some books take years to become successes; others never do. The truth is, the book is done and where it goes isn’t completely within my control.

I belong to a dream group and yesterday we discussed a dream I had in which I needed to get to Portland for an appointment but I kept getting sidetracked or lost. Some of my distractions resulted in me making the conscious choice to not explore something intriguing or interesting or beautiful because I “had to get to my appointment.” Whatever that was.  Following the group’s suggestions about the dream, I have decided that the message of the dream is I need to pay more attention to the beauty, the interesting, the distractions that pique my interest and less attention to the “shoulds” or expectations. Those outside forces that I allow to influence my decisions do not come from my own authentic source, my heart or soul. They come from others.  I allow their judgments to affect the person I am, the way I spend my time and energy. 

Yesterday morning was a beautiful sunny fall day, sandwiched in between days of gray skies and rain.  I took Charlie for a walk along a trail adjacent to a river not far from us.  There were few people out so I let him run off leash.  Charlie is 8, no longer a pup, but his exuberance and enthusiasm when he is free is a joy to watch. As he raced down the edge of the trail across wet grass, his paws threw out tiny droplets that sparkled like diamonds in his path. I watched him be a golden retriever, running and sniffing, weaving in and out of brush, following scents. I expected at almost any moment for him to flush out a pheasant or grouse.  A little later he raced down to the river and waded in. 

Charlie looked so authentic, so full of life, because he was doing exactly what he was born and bred to do: hunt open fields and splash in water. He is not a German shepherd or a border collie and I don’t expect him to act like something he is not.

It makes me wonder if I am doing what I was born and bred to do. Sometimes it feels like I expect more of myself and I get frustrated and angry that  I’m really not accomplishing anything. But the truth is, not everything worth doing is an “accomplishment.” Putting pressure on myself to do things because I think I SHOULD is a fast way to nowhere besides frustration. We don’t always know how our lives affect others or the results of what we do and who we are; we don’t need to know, though we always want to know. Again, it’s a way of measuring our self-worth; we don’t believe we have value unless we have some measurable accomplishments or we can see our value reflected in others’ opinions of us. 

So I continue to work on just accepting myself and knowing I am valued, loved, worthy just because God made me the person I am. I work on trusting that where I am led and what I do is rooted in me and not based on the hope that my efforts will help me look good to others. And I continue to work on allowing others to be who they authentically are without my or society’s judging them. Hard work but moving in that non-judgmental, non-dualistic way is perhaps moving closer to finding my own true nature, what I was born and bred for. That includes taking time to stop and explore beauty where I find it.