“Christmas future is far away, Christmas past is past . . . “
This morning while running an errand I heard James Taylor on my car radio singing “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas,” and listened to the lyrics. I’ve heard this song hundreds – maybe thousands – of times but this morning those opening lines really hit me.
Maybe because I spent yesterday afternoon and evening putting up a Christmas tree. When I sold most of my things to do my traveling in 2007, nearly all the Christmas ornaments I’d collected over the years were included. I kept only a few that had special meaning, primarily those John and I had collected together. Whenever we traveled we tried to get a Christmas ornament to remind us of the trip, a way to relive our experiences as a couple and a family every year.
So this morning JT got me to thinking about Christmas past. This is a really difficult time for me and for many people who have lost loved ones. My mother loved Christmas, and no matter how challenging our finances were (and there were years they were incredibly tight), mom always found ways to cover the floor under the tree with gifts. Of course, when the credit card bills came in January there were often fireworks between her and dad. But it was important for her to be generous and give her family memories of abundance and joy, of wishes fulfilled. I miss her presence in my life very much, even after 15 years, and especially at this time of year.
I have found the Christmas holidays even more challenging since John died. This is my eighth Christmas without him. There are many times I think of him, with sadness and longing, as little things pop up in my life that remind me of him, things we did together or of my status as a widow, as I see other married couples with their families gathered around them.
Decorating the tree with those ornaments we collected throughout our 33 years together brings to mind the trips we took. One of my favorite ornaments is a little angel I found shortly after we moved to Vancouver, Washington, from Yakima in 1971. It was our first Christmas being away from our families and really on our own. I have always treasured this little angel that was made in Italy for her beauty; but now I also treasure the memories she brings. There is the cute little howling coyote we got in Arizona one year, a ferry boat from the year we went to the San Juans. Another angel is made of shells. John and I bought her on our first – and last – trip to Hawaii. We visited Kauai in late January of 2003. Just over 9 months later John was gone. I like to think these angels are bookends to the years we had together.
Thinking of those Christmases past, I am reminded of how sometimes I was sad or sulky or disappointed or had my feelings hurt. There were times when I wasn’t feeling all that blessed. Now, in retrospect, I realize how very fortunate I was to have a loving family gathered around an abundant tree, a table filled with delicious foods, and mostly just conversation and laughter, singing Christmas carols together. Perhaps it is true, in the words of Joni Mitchell, that we don’t know what we’ve got till it’s gone. I would give anything for those days again, and a chance to be more thankful and appreciative and joyful. But Christmas past is past.
So will I be having regrets 10 or 20 years from now – Christmas futures far away – because of joy that I might overlook now, because I get so caught up in feeling lonely or left out or sad? I’m the only one who can make sure that doesn’t happen and I can only do that by being in the now, being present to my life the way it is, finding joy and blessings there, and sharing my gifts as generously as possible. Christmas, after all, has nothing to do with gifts but everything to do with giving and receiving – light, love and joy. It's not about presents but about presence: being there for each other. We were taught how to do that by the greatest Giver of all. And that’s something worth celebrating!
“Christmas present is here today, bringing joy that will last.”
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