Reflections on Light and Love

On this winter solstice day I am thinking about Christmas dreams and being human. Today is the day the earthly balance tips and days begin growing longer again, every so slowly, literally minute by minute.  I did some rough figuring based on information I found for sunrises and sunsets in Portland, Oregon, and found that in six months we will have six-and-a-half hours more of sun. Add to that the many cloud-filled winter days when we don’t see the sun at all and it’s no wonder we get grumpy here in the Pacific Northwest!

As I write I am waiting for some of my family’s traditional cookies to bake. I will make another couple of batches before Friday and share them with the family and friends who join me for Christmas dinner. As usual, I spent way too much money on ingredients to make this a picture perfect Christmas. While I enjoy providing delicious foods for company, especially for special holidays, undoubtedly there are other things going on here.

Perhaps I’m trying to recreate family Christmases past, when my parents and husband were still alive. Of course, I’m viewing those days in the most rose-colored way possible. They weren’t storybook blissful, but I miss getting together with my brothers and sisters and their families around our parents’ huge dining table.  My mother loved Christmas and there were always plenty of presents, homemade cookies and delicious food. To fill the void in my life a little, in addition to my son and grandson, I am expecting a friend who is a single mom and her three kids and their grandfather for dinner. 

I want everything to be welcoming and delicious and as admirable as I can get it. I have to admit that is probably because I like to impress people and get a little emotional stroking to help myself feel more appreciated. There I go again, judging myself based on outside responses to me.  I need to accept that my intrinsic value is already a given and not determined by how anyone else sees me. That’s true for each of us.

Still there is that desire to please others, bring joy to their lives. Kind of a Santa Claus complex: make everyone happy. Sorry, not possible. Just as I’m responsible for my sense of self-worth, I am responsible for only my own joy and happiness. I can be kind and generous, but ultimately it is up to each of us to be happy. What happens, for instance, if I shop all month for the perfect gift and it doesn’t bring joy to the receiver? I can choose to feel like a failure, or I can accept that I am a kind person who did my best and the receiver of my generosity chose not to appreciate my efforts.  It’s a reflection of them more than me.  Christmas can either be a test of who loves whom the most or a celebration of family and community and the most generous gift any of us could hope for: completely unconditional love from a most generous God.

Recently a friend who is battling cancer reflected on the loss of a mutual friend who lost her battle with cancer last week. She wrote: “She was a woman with a deep and quiet faith, and the journeys we have both been on in these last few months reminds me that for we who celebrate Christmas, its meaning is not about a God who rescues us from our pain and sorrow and loneliness, but about a God who is with us in all that we experience, the light and dark, joy and suffering, life and death.”

Our God isn’t Santa Claus and doesn’t fulfill our wishes and dreams. I think God plants those dreams within us, but it is ultimately up to us to discover them and achieve them. God doesn’t necessarily FIX things by waving a heavenly wand and sending trouble on its way and health and prosperity to us. Thinking that God will and should be there at our beck and call, like a magic genie, leaves us vulnerable to doubt. If God doesn’t grant my wish -- answer my prayer the way I want -- that might mean that either God doesn’t love me enough, God really isn’t all powerful, or maybe God doesn’t even exist. In the past I’ve tried to test God in this way and I’m not sure God likes tests any better than we do.

Instead God is present with us, comforting us, whispering how deeply loved we are, as we face our human challenges. God is more than a cheerleader; God understands the challenges because God became human in the person of Jesus, and experienced all the light and dark, the joy and suffering, and life and death we all must face at some point. This is a reminder to all of us as those we love struggle with difficult times. We are not necessarily here to rescue them, to fix things . . . but we can make things better by being companions on their journey, by being with them, and reminding them of how loved they are. Tidings of comfort and joy.

And this is what we celebrate at Christmas: that despite our human weakness and frailty, God loves us enough to be there for us always and in all ways.  Even when the sun is scarce, as it is in Portland in mid-winter, God is faithful and God’s love always shines brightly for us.