Getting Ready for Spring

Truthfully, spring has been hanging around the Northwest for weeks. My daffodils are all but spent, the azaleas are getting ready to bloom. It is supposed to be sunny and in the sixties much of this week. I'm sure by some standards that sounds like winter, but for my friends in, say, Minnesota or Maine, that's definitely spring weather. Late spring, even.

It's been a crazy few weeks, especially last week. It was delightful to have my daughter come spend almost a week with me while her husband was at a conference in Corvallis. It was also the week of our Novena of Grace, nine days of Mass and prayer and wonderful reflections. Many people consider Novenas to be old fashioned. But this has been a part of our faith community's Lenten journey for many years. It's a Jesuit thing and all the Jesuit parishes, at least in the Oregon Province, hold the Novena in honor of St. Francis Xavier (Ignatius' good friend and fellow "charter member" of the Jesuits) from March 4-12. It is a graced time and we always have wonderful homilists. This year was no exception. And it was an extra blessing to have Kristin join me for two of the Masses.

In addition to Kristin's visit, of course I have Karl living with me now and his 20-month old son, Jesse, was here for four days. Kristin was a great help riding herd on this darling but very lively young man. He was fascinated by her dogs but they were not equally entranced. Charlie, however, continues to be extremely patient and gentle with Jesse.

So given the beauty of this winter (for technically it is still winter) and the joy of spending time with my family, why am I angry with God? Screaming angry? So angry it shocked and frightened Charlie who, of course, is the only one who ever sees those dark parts of me.

Sigh, it's a long story but it starts and ends with my life feeling out of control. I joke that I prayed for a man to come into my life and God sent me my 27-year-old son who is a wonderful young man in many ways but continues to create havoc in my life, though I know that isn't his intention. Yesterday, after coming home from church with Jesse and one of his older brothers who is 9 having been here since Friday night, the house was an absolute mess. Food crumbs and dirt from outside all over my very expensive rug. Dishes everywhere. Clothes everywhere. Toys everywhere. Edible food, nowhere to be found. It feels like I have lost my house and am on the verge of losing my sanity -- at least my safe refuge from life's onslaughts.

It feels like God has said: Okay, you whined about being lonely, here have family. Now you can't complain about being lonely, can you? Now stop your bitching. I know that isn't what God thinks or why my life is becoming this morass of obligations and taking care of and picking up after and paying for. I am feeling used and abused and I told my son that last night. I love having Jesse and I loved having Kristin here to spend time with her nephew (and me) but my life has suddenly taken a very sharp turn and I am still adjusting. It takes awhile to adjust to any new circumstances that affect us, and I took my frustrations out on God.

Which, actually, is just fine. God can handle my anger and frustration. At the very least, it shows I view God as a Being who cares whether I am happy or angry. If God didn't care, or didn't exist, there would certainly be no point in getting angry, would there?

The other frustration was I decided (will I NEVER learn) to go back on-line and see what I might be able to find man-wise. One of the profiles that came to my attention was amazing in the similarities and things we have in common. We met on Saturday and had a very long conversation (4 hours) over wine and dinner at a friend's restaurant. He is very intelligent and well rounded, a scientist and a poet. I wanted very much to like him, and I do like him. I just felt ZERO attraction to him. We will go out again but I'm pretty sure this will not go anywhere because I feel no physical interest. Dang. And to top it off, his name is the same as a guy I've had very strong feelings for in the past and struggle with letting go of. Maybe that's the reason for going on-line; I knew it was time to let go of him. But I haven't fully yet and so I think it will be hard for any man to measure up. I keep thinking if I meet someone wonderful I will be able to move on (I just corrected that from what my fingers typed: "move up" -- freudian slip perhaps?) but my spiritual director and other advisors say I have to let go before the door will be open to someone wonderful to walk into my life.

Alternatively, I could just accept my single-hood and learn to be happy and contented with that. Especially now that it appears I may have a long-term roommate.

Postscript: I just got a call from the literary professional who's reading my book and he told me that while it needs some polish and tight editing (more??) and he thinks he knows the perfect person to help me with that, he really likes what I've done, he loves reading it and it's "something good" that will be better with a little more editing.

Giving Up Guilt

This year for Lent I decided to give up guilt. Well, a little of it anyway. There are so many things that make me feel guilty, but I thought my commitments to two non-profits would be fulfilling and life-giving. Instead they only make me feel obligated, they added more SHOULDS to my life. They are both great organizations.

One, Jesuit Refugee Services, works with refugees, immigration detainees, immigration reform issues. From my years of working for the Senator I know how totally messed up current immigration law is, how unjust, how it divides families and keeps people down. The issue of refugees has always been close to my heart. I started this fall doing volunteer work, finding news articles that the communications director could use in the JRS/USA blog. It was interesting and challenging at first, but as I became more involved with my book and publishing efforts, the JRS was taking more time and I wasn't giving it the effort and energy I needed. This made me feel guilty. So just before Lent started, I bowed out.

The other obligation was with the Franciscan Spiritual Center. I set up a blog for them and had offered to do some marketing volunteer work. But nothing ever came together; they didn't know how to use me and I didn't know how to help them. It was awkward. Then they dragged me, kicking and screaming, onto their advisory council. Really, it was a draft; I felt pummelled into it. But I didn't go to many meetings, I didn't participate much. Obviously I resented it. So I also resigned from the advisory council.

It feels freeing to let go of obligations that don't feed me, don't give me life but only make me suffer and beat myself up. There are plenty of things I really do have to be responsible about (getting my taxes done, taking care of Charlie and the house and the bills, being a good friend, my prayer and reflection, my writing). I'm sure many people -- women for sure -- take on responsibilities and obligations they don't really need. And then when they fail to fulfill those roles perfectly, guilt steps right up and blasts them, makes them feel like failures or at least really bad human beings. Stop the madness. Let go of unnecessary obligations and the guilt that comes with them. Just say no to things that don't give you life when you have the option to do that.

Instead, find ways to feed your soul this Lent, ways to grow closer in touch with yourself and God. Go have a massage and feel in touch with your body. Go walk through spring flowers. Put on your raincoat and boots and walk through wet grass and puddles during sprinkles. Take your dog on a run and watch for bald eagles or goldfinches and swallows. Meditate or just sit in quiet prayer. But don't feel guilty.