The Never-ending Journey

This morning I lay snuggled under my cozy down comforter and, as I often do in the morning, I was busy thinking. (I LOVE not having to “punch a time clock” and the fact that, these days, lying in bed thinking qualifies as my work.) My mind wanders to strange places in these times of half-dream, half-wakefulness.

Today I was reflecting on a disparaging comment a reader made recently regarding one of the characters in my book. I am dismayed – a little guilty, maybe? -- that a couple of people who have read the book have had negative reactions to characters who were in my life during my travels. I didn’t include them in the book out of spite but rather as an integral part of my journey of discovering myself.  It was never my intent to make them look like villains, as they apparently do to some readers. Of course, I accept that what other people think and how they react is completely beyond my control.

As I mused on this issue I consoled myself with a reminder that every good story needs an antagonist to counter the protagonist. Of course the protagonist would be me, spunky little widow.  The antagonists might include Lance, Troy and Keith, the men who, for various reasons, did not become my Filipe (Elizabeth Gilbert’s Prince Charming in Eat Pray Love).  There has to be tension in a story, difficulties to overcome; even for a true story to be interesting there must be challenges. 

But as I lay there thinking, I realized these guys were not antagonists. The definition of an antagonist is one who opposes another, an adversary or enemy, someone hostile to the protagonist’s attempt to accomplish her goals. 

Lance was an impetus to doing the journey, along with a variety of other factors. He was never an antagonist. 

Keith was along for the ride at my invitation, and while sparks flew between us – both negative and positive – and I ended the journey for his sake, he was never an impediment. He supported my journey early on and was one of my cheerleaders. In fact, he helped me go back out and continue the journey, though in truth his presence affected my interior journey a great deal. Still, I learned much from this relationship. 

Troy was possibly the closest thing to an antagonist in that he tried to talk me out of going and in subtle ways showed he didn’t fully support my journey. However, he never overtly stood in my way. 

So was there really an antagonist in my story? Of course, and she was me. My antagonist was my own woundedness, my discomfort and sense of shame in being alone, my unworthiness and lack, and my willingness to capitulate to those feelings and fears. My antagonist listened to the people who questioned whether what I was doing had value – some of those voices were my own. She sometimes failed to trust that inner voice that came from my heart and God’s heart.  It was I who invited Keith and others along on parts of the journey, perhaps not trusting my own strength and courage enough.

Ultimately I think we are all our own antagonists. We are usually the ones who hold ourselves back. Our fears and insecurities and doubts are what keep us tied to old beliefs and ways of being.  Sir Edmund Hillary, who with his Nepalese guide became the first known people to reach the 29,0928-foot summit of Mt. Everest in 1953, said:  “It is not the mountain we conquer but ourselves.” It is a reminder that we must learn to trust ourselves, our own deep inner voice, and ignore those unkind voices, even when they are our own.

My journey didn’t meet all of my expectations, and it may not always meet the expectations of others when they read about it. But it was my journey, and I learned a great deal about myself and others.  I grew in wisdom and grace.  It is an ongoing journey and revelations and epiphanies continue to come to me. And the graces continue and it is my hope that they extend out to others, as well.