So often we are consumed – at least I am – with thinking about what others do or say or think. We compare ourselves to others, what they have achieved or where they have failed -- in our opinions. We judge others, usually without benefit of full knowledge of them and their circumstances. We measure our worth by how we think the world views us. We imagine slights and offense where none may have been intended, and then we react unkindly – toward ourselves and them. How many times, in just the last few weeks, have I been incredibly judgmental of myself because of how I thought someone else was disrespecting me! So much of how I view myself is based on outside influences and how I react to them.
But ultimately, it is how kindly and lovingly we view ourselves and the world that matters. It is not the number of people who love me or are kind to me, respect me or appreciate me, not how many people invite me to their parties, or pick me for their team, or even how many people will show up at my funeral when I die: these are artificial measurements that only make our egos feel better. Truth lies in understanding and accepting that what other people do and how they treat me and others has nothing to do with me and everything to do with them. My perceptions and resulting self-talk are the only things that I can control.
The true measure of my lovability – my ability to love – is how well I love others, the kindness, respect and appreciation I have for them, regardless of the way they treat me. What they do is their business, not mine. It is not my place to punish or change or train them. How I respond to things in my life over which I have no control shows my true depth of spirituality, my willingness to love and accept that I am worthy of love. It is me making the right, loving choices for me, irrespective of the choices others make. It is learning to withhold judgment, learning to let go of little things that feel hurtful, loving people anyway and doing what I am meant to do with my life – that will make me authentic and whole and help me fulfill my purpose.
I create my own Hell on earth by judging myself and allowing others’ judgments of me – real or perceived – to break my heart. That is what brings me pain and estrangement – from others and from God. And Hell is the ultimate estrangement from God. I think it’s something we all do to ourselves; it is not God casting us into a fiery pit of despair: we cast ourselves there.
It’s okay to have feelings, to be a little angry or a little hurt or sad. Jesus got angry at people. He was, after all, human, and subject to all human emotions. There are many places in the Gospels where he got frustrated and vexed, was sad or disappointed in people, even those he loved most. But he didn’t stop loving them because they let him down. He never gave up on them, never stopped trying to help them understand what he was all about and how much they were loved by a God consumed with love, not anger, not retribution.
We don’t have to earn love – it is always there for us. We can choose to accept that love and appreciate it, or we can question and doubt our worthiness. God loves me in spite of my own occasional bouts of self-doubt or even self-loathing. But I think those sadden God. Have you ever loved someone who just can’t see the good in themselves and, consequently make self-destructive choices? It’s so frustrating!
So the second Valentine’s gift I am giving myself this month is the acceptance that I am loved regardless of stories I tell myself. Every time I look in the mirror for the rest of this month I will remind myself: No one knows you as well as God knows you. You are beloved and worthy of great love because you are the object of the greatest love there is, you are desired deeply because of who you are – a daughter of God. You are exactly who and what God made you to be, and that is sufficient.
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