Let It Be Now

I had this strange little epiphany this afternoon, after sitting in on a class on meditation given by my friend Julie Dale with Motivated Zen. I was looking out at the grass in my yard, trying to be aware and notice. This is actually something I think I’m pretty good at much of the time: noticing, being aware and present, and finding God in many things. The problem is what happens after I notice something.

So I was thinking about the grass, the rich deep spring green in some spots but the chartreuse spots that dominate parts of my yard where the moss has taken over. I started to beat myself up about it, telling myself that I need to get busy and do something to fertilize, kill the moss and probably even reseed the lawn in some places. Then I realized when you are in contemplation, you are not supposed to be scolding yourself, or judging yourself. You are supposed to be just taking things in, not making judgments about them.

The epiphany was some strange little thought that scampered across my brain when I was thinking these thoughts and wondering if it was worth sharing them in a blog. I don’t have a clue if anyone reads my blogs or how many have read my book, or will read the next book coming out this summer (though I only have a small role in that). Still, I think this is something I am supposed to be doing, sharing whatever little pieces of wisdom I have. And sharing those epiphanies and ahas. But not knowing if what I say has any value or makes a difference to anyone, I sometimes find it hard to bother.

As I was reminding myself to quit judging myself, I was also thinking about how badly my head hurts. Obviously, I’m feeling vulnerable because of a headache. I’ve been dealing with a number of headaches lately, which aren’t common for me. I have also felt a little dizzy from time to time. I notice it mostly when I am driving (how scary is that?). I’m good at keeping up with my normal cancer screenings: mammograms, colonoscopies, etc. but these headaches make me a little nervous. Well, that and the news my brother, who is 14 years younger than me, just had a melanoma removed. Who knew we are supposed to get skin screenings annually? Is there some screening we could do for other parts of our bodies? Or maybe I’m just getting paranoid. I don’t want to run to the doctor every time I sneeze; I don’t want to be a hypochondriac. Still, it’s a little unsettling when you hear of people who discover they have advanced cancer that only leaves them with weeks or months to live.

Of course, this could be nothing. It could be stress or sinuses. Who knows. Still I was thinking about that this afternoon when my little “aha” moment occurred. What if there was something wrong? What if I were one of those people who finds out they only have a few weeks to live? Think of all the time I would have wasted feeling unsure or unmotivated. I thought about how frantic I would be to say everything I thought I needed to say, to do those things I feel I need to do before dying. I would have to post to my blog several times a day, assuming I were properly inspired, to make up for all the times I’ve shrugged, told myself no one cares, it doesn’t matter, and just played another game of Solitaire on the computer.

The truth is, we are all going to die at some point. It could be next year or 30 years from now, or it could be tomorrow. I wonder if John had been able to think about it in the three or four hours after his accident before he died what he might have most regretted not being able to finish. I’m sure there would have been a lot. I like to think one of those things would be the fact that he couldn’t tell his wife and children that he loved them one last time.

So once again I am reminded that all we really have is today. If there is something important we need to do or say to someone we love, let it be now. If there is wisdom you are called to share, do it today. It is a reminder that if we feel we are called to a certain task, we’d best get on with it and stop stalling or putting it off, making excuses, or as my parents might have said: stop dilly-dallying. So what if no one ever reads this blog? Some day someone might and some day something might make even the tiniest bit of difference to someone. So I will try to make a more concerted effort to be faithful to this blog, when I feel inspired to share something, whether anyone ever reads it or not. In a way, it is part of my spiritual journey and journal.