Heart to Heart

Well, it hasn't quite been a month since my last post. So much for resolutions and good intentions!  It's been a very busy few weeks. I've been working on editing the contributions for the next book--17 women (including me) share insights and experiences about their lives and their faith journey. There are some beautiful stories so stay tuned.

In addition, I'm working on some fundraising activities to help a good friend who has been very cruelly struck by what is often a fairly curable type of cancer; but it hasn't been playing fair with her, and she just underwent her fourth--or was it fifth?--major surgery in less than two years. She's lost her job because of the cancer and it will likely be months before she can even begin looking again. She definitely needs some financial help right now. 


I have been working on completely relandscaping my front yard, going from almost all grass to hardly any grass, and doing almost all the work myself. (No wonder my back hurts!)

And, my son moved back home a couple weeks ago so I now get to have Jesse every weekend again. Busy times, but good times; productive times.

In fact, today I had Jesse, who turned three a couple weeks ago, all day while his dad was working. I'm exhausted! Three-year-olds have so much energy! I had forgotten, or else I had enough energy of my own that I could take it all in stride 25+ years ago when I last had a three-year-old.

Jesse and I had a busy day, taking Charlie for a walk and taking time to play at the park, watering the plants in pots, picking strawberries and blueberries (I picked and Jesse ate them) from my garden, playing Wii, making homemade ginger-peach ice cream. (This was following my experiment making lavender panna cotta last week--Practicing for a dinner we're auctioning off as part of the fundraiser.) So after all this hard work, Jesse finally took a nap around 2:30. About an hour later I heard Charlie bark and the doorbell rang. Jesse had fallen asleep in my recliner in the living room so I wasn't too happy. It was another solicitor. They come seeking donations, trying to sell things, trying to sell services. It gets incredibly tiresome and I'm almost ready to put up a "No Solicitors" sign.  Of course, after sending this one on his way--he promising to return and I telling him not to bother--I closed the door and saw a little blond head leaning out from the recliner. A little voice greeted me with "Hi, Grandma!" Jesse was awake. But not completely finished napping, apparently.

He wanted a drink so we walked into the kitchen, but then he wanted to be held. I picked him up and held him, and he put his head on my shoulder.  Completely relaxed. My back has been giving me lots of grief lately so I went back into the living room and sat on the sofa. Jesse continued to cuddle and it was clear he was going back to sleep. I sat and held him for awhile. As his body pressed against mine I felt his chest move in and out with his breathing, felt his heartbeat keeping time with my own.  It's been a long time since I've held anyone this close for such an intense, intimate embrace. As I sat and just experienced Jesse's heart beating against mine, I felt completely at peace, whole, and yet also part of a greater whole. I felt a deep connection to this child of my child, this busy, smart, sassy, darling little boy. I remembered times holding Karl this close when he was a child, and thought about holding Karl's father, my husband John, in just such an embrace. Much as I sometimes miss John, it is reassuring to know he lives on through Karl and Jesse, and through our daughter, Kristin.


Life is a mystery to me most of the time. There is so much I don't understand and likely never will. But there are moments of clarity, like this afternoon, when I know I am exactly where I am supposed to be, doing just what I am meant to do.  Even if those things I do likely mean little or nothing to society, to anyone else. I know in my heart spending time with my grandson, helping my friend with cancer, being here for my son all matter very much in the only scheme of things that really counts.