I’ve been feeling really tired the last few weeks but I think it’s mostly a function of not getting enough sleep: staying up too late and then waking earlier than I’m ready for. I’ve had a lot of company since the end of July: three of my siblings – plus their spouses, grandsons or large dogs -- have spent the night (or several nights). That’s a lot more dinners and breakfasts than I’m used to preparing, plus the late nights talking and then early mornings to get coffee made and breakfast started that often come when family members you get to see far too rarely come to visit.
My energy has been focused primarily on being a hostess and enjoying their company; doing both is sometimes a difficult challenge for me. Finding time to spend with God has also been a challenge and I feel like I've been neglecting that part of my life. And when you toss in the upcoming next book, the September fundraiser I’m co-chairing for a friend, my spiritual direction class preparation and other things, I’ve had a little stress in my life. Of course, I’m POSITIVE this isn’t a sign that I’m slowing down, getting older. Absolutely sure of it. Okay, so Monday is my birthday, but that’s only a day on the calendar, and the years are only numbers, right? I just need a good rest!
In spite of my abundant blessings of company this summer, I’ve still managed to struggle a little with loneliness. One of my closest single friends has – without seemingly looking for it – found a really great relationship. She and he had been corresponding on Facebook based on similar interests and three weeks ago he drove out to Portland from the Midwest. They have spent every available minute together and are apparently quite smitten with each other. He’s planning to go back to the Midwest, collect his things and move to Oregon to be with her.
In following their whirlwind romance, I have been alternately stricken green with envy, exhausted at the pace they are keeping in going and doing and exploring the world together, and completely delighted for her that she has apparently found someone who seems so right for her. It gives me a little hope that it could some day happen for me. But only a little: I am realistic. We talked the other night, and she reminded me that it was their common love – passion, even – for a sport that had brought them together. And things just clicked. She asked me what I love. That’s a tough one.
Sharing my misgivings about lacking a specific passion with my sister-in-law during her visit last weekend, she suggested my spirituality, my faith life, appears--at least to her--to be an area in which I seem to have a lot of passion. That thought had occurred to me earlier, as well, when I was musing privately over this quandary.
I spoke with my spiritual director about this today and, as always, Jack had a great deal of wisdom to share. In my chapter for the next book, Real Women, Real Wisdom: A Journey into the Feminine Soul, I write:
“My spiritual director often reminds me that accompaniment—being present and supportive to others in their journey—is a skill that not everyone is willing or able to develop. He encourages me to accept that skill as a gift to myself and others. Being present to people, being a supportive, listening friend on their journey is not an impressive skill or one our culture values very highly. But it is a way of mirroring God’s love and presence in our lives, of modeling God for others.”
Being present to my family is part of that. Jack also reminded me today that Jesus wasn’t noted for having had any big successes when he walked the earth with his 12 rather-sketchy and not-always-astute apostles. He didn’t build cathedrals, or start major corporations, he didn’t have money, control, a political role or even a role within the church. He was just with people, there for them, loving them. Jack also reminded me that even when I feel like I haven’t had time for God, God has been there, waiting for me. He encouraged me to consider it prayer when I am aware, paying attention to God being present in the world, and allowing myself to be an instrument of God in the world in whatever ways I am presented with. And, I might add, letting God be present to me, there for me to lean on.
This morning sitting with several friends in our contemplative prayer gathering, I complained to God how tired I was and that 6 a.m. was just too darned early for me to be getting up to drive into the city for prayer. “How about,” I suggested to God, “I just curl up in your arms, lean my head on your chest and you hold me while I sleep.” God agreed that would work. I didn’t actually sleep at all, but I felt peaceful, held in a safe, warm embrace as I imagined myself floating on the ocean of God’s boundless love. I meditated on the feelings of what it was like as a child lying on an air mattress floating on a gentle lake, caressed by the sun, listening to little birds singing softy and water lapping at the edges of my little island. And like that child, I felt cherished, rested and refreshed and ready to see what wonderful surprises God has in store to delight me as my 61st birthday approaches. More than I could possibly imagine, no doubt!
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